Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Going Ape! : Wank Wednesday


It's been a busy week. Now it's Wednesday. Too tired to wank, but not too tired to crank out some smut for Ruby Kiddell's  Wank Wednesday. The prompt is #conference. Check out the others from The Erotic Notebook and make sure to leave feedback if you like a story.

Going Ape!

Professor Anne Thropoid (Annie to her friends) had spent the last couple of years in the wilds of Rwanda studying the social behaviour of mountain gorillas. Though capable of great ferocity if they felt their children were threatened, they were in essence gentle giants, playful and affectionate with each other. Annie had been obsessed with them since she saw David Attenborough sitting amongst them in an episode of Life on Earth when she was a little girl. Later she had seen the movie Gorillas in the Mist and come to idolise the late Dianne Fossey. She longed to do the same kind of field work and had eventually managed to get the opportunity. It didn't come to everybody. When a species was so endangered, being allowed to spend time with them was a rare privilege.


Now she was attending the International Conference on Primate Research being held in San Francisco. It was an exciting chance to do a presentation on her work and to hear about the work of others in the field. Many of the other presentations had been fascinating and some had given her ideas about new approaches to her own work.

The only problem was the egos of some of the researchers. There were so many who seemed unable to appreciate the work of their colleagues and were only interested in blowing their own trumpets. Disagreements on interpretations of behavioural evidence and on the ethics of research in laboratories and sensitive ecosystems had caused conflicts which in some cases had come almost to fisticuffs. For Annie, so full of enthusiasm for our loveable near relatives on the evolutionary tree, and so bored with scientific politics, the conference was turning out to be a very mixed experience.

"The bonobos use the sharing of genital pleasure as a kind of social lubricant," declared Professor Lancelot Link from the podium as Annie sat in rapt attention. "Genital to genital rubbing occurs between all members of the troop, irrespective of gender, age or familial relationship. The only exception is that adult males do not rub genitals with their mothers. Males often enact with each other what resemble mock sword fights using their erect penises," he added, showing a slide."

Annie was familiar with this information, but she never tired of hearing about those funny little bonobos. She couldn't stop herself from yawning though. The conference was taking its toll on her. She was so buzzed that she wasn't sleeping well. Now she was starting to feel burnt out. She was glad her own presentation had been so early in the conference.

"It seems that this unbounded sharing of erotic pleasure is the key to easing potential conflicts and maintaining the peaceful, cooperative and female-centred bonobo society," Link continued.


It was no good, Annie couldn't keep her eyes open a moment longer. She knew it was an unforgivable faux pas at this kind of event, but she allowed her lids to come down and mind to drift off into dreamland.

She had the strangest dream. She was in the conference hall, but she was stark naked, and so were all of the other attendees. She nearly collapsed laughing when she saw Professor Link and Professor Clyde doing a full-on Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone routine with their stiff cocks.


"The bonobo is most definitely more intelligent that the orangutan!" cried Link, lunging in and slapping his cock against the sensitive head of Clyde's impressive member.

"Ouch!" cried Clyde. "You take that back you shameless charlatan!" He jabbed Link forcefully in the ball bag with his rigid ramrod.

"Now, now, you guys," said Annie walking up and patting each of them playfully on the ass. "Is it really all that serious? If you keep on like that you are going to hurt your little dickies."

"I'll have you know that I have one of the largest, and most highly regarded penises in the world of primate research," insisted Link.

"Let's have a closer look," suggested Annie, crouching down and examining his proud protuberance. "It is quite cute. And very stiff. Look how its dribbling. You sure are one horny primatologist!" And then she started sucking on his balls, drooling saliva all over the floor before licking up the trail of salty pre-cum that was flowing down its purple veined underside.

"Oh, that's very nice," sighed the professor, licking his fingers and rubbing them against his hairy nipples.

Meanwhile Clyde licked the index finger of his right hand, getting it really wet and slippery with saliva and then crouched down, spread Annie's ample ass cheeks and slipped it straight up her bottomhole.

Annie's mouth was now full of Link's cock, otherwise she would have thanked Clyde for giving her one of the many things she loved. All she could do to indicate her approval was to slide her bum up and down Clyde's digit enthusiastically.

Another inspirational Annie - Annie Sprinkle
She could tell Link was about to blow so she went back to tickling his balls with the tip of her tongue to just gently tip him over the edge.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried as he sprayed her face with jets of juicy jism.

Then she stood up, letting Clyde's finger slide out of her ass, turned around and pushed him down onto the floor.

"I'm going to suck somebody's cock," she said, "and his name begins with a 'C'."

She turned around and sat her bare ass and girl cum-dripping pussy onto his bespectacled face.

"If you want to stick your tongue right up my cunt, I won't mind at all," she informed him. "Doesn't matter if you don't though. I can always rub myself of on your nose." It ended up being a bit of both as Annie was as horny as fuck and not content to sit still, while Clyde loved nothing more than drinking pints of pussy juice. It wasn't long before Annie's mouth was full of hot cum and her twitching twat as spraying his face like a seltzer bottle.

"I needed that," sighed Annie rolling over on her back and playing with her tits. The orgasm lasted another five minutes, forming a veritable lake of girl juice all over the linoleum floor. The guys had totally forgotten what they were fighting about. They were both down on hands and knees slurping Annie's juices off the floor like buffalo at a water hole.

"That seat is taken," insisted another nude man sitting down near the stage when the guy one seat down placed his brief case on it.

"I booked both of these seats!" insisted the other man. "My friend is in the loo and then he'll be here."

"I'll solve this," Annie informed them. "I'll sit in this seat to keep you two apart."

"Corrrrrr!" said the first man when he got a look at luscious Annie, her pretty face all spattered in jism, her hair messed up, her cunt swollen and still dribbling juice, and her tits jiggling in response to the laboured breathing brought on by her state of rampant lust.

Delightfully dirty Dandy from Girls Out West
"All you'd have to do to make up and be friends is to jack each other off," explained Annie. "But don't you worry. I'm an expert. I'll do it for you." And so she grabbed the lucky men's stiff pricks and began stroking them up and down, while taking turns to French kiss them with her cum-sticky lips. And each of the guys grabbed a bouncing boob and lightly pinched an erect nipple.

"I like you guys," she told them. "Maybe after dinner we could get together again and you could spit roast me. I love multi-tasking."

Soon the gentleman whose seat it was arrived and stood looking at Annie in surprise.

"Don't tell those animal right's protestors outside that I'm spanking a couple of monkeys," she laughed.

"Most interesting behaviour," he said, looking over his glasses. His cock was so stiff it was quivering like a tuning fork.

"Come closer and I'll give you an oral presentation about it," Annie teased.

Inevitably she once more ended up with a mouth full of cock. She loved the feel of the hard throbbing flesh radiating heat in the wet cavern of her mouth. And she also loved the feel of the stiff cocks in her fists. She couldn't wait for them to shoot their jizz. How high would it squirt? She loved the feel of hot spunk running down over her hands and knowing the eruption was all her doing.

The guys all exploded at once. Annie gulped down the jism in her mouth and then crouched on the floor to suck every drop of man juice off of the other two, now flaccid, cocks.

She needed a cup of tea so she headed for the kitchen. When she looked in the fridge to get the milk she saw a stick of butter.

"Hmmmm," she thought. "Best to be prepared. You never know when you might want to be able to slide something comfortably up your arse."


She was bending over rubbing the dairy product all around and inside her puckered little arsehole, when in walked Professor Mandrake, the baboon expert.

"I've never seen a posterior I so desperately wanted to plunder with my penile protuberance," he declared rather pretentiously.

"I might have known a baboon expert would be a butt man," laughed Annie, delighted to have another play partner. "Come slide your sausage up my slippery shit chute!" she squealed, feeling so deliciously obscene.

"Only after I spank it to a healthy pink coloration," he insisted.

"I don't usually approve of violence," she informed him, with playful disproval. "But it does sound invigorating."

They soon had an audience of twenty or so other delegates, some male and some female all nude and aroused. Most were wanking themselves off, but some where playing hand buddies.

"What a cock-stiffening bum she's got!" insisted one of the men. "And that bright red coloration is bound to improve her mating opportunities."

"God! I'm horny!" cried a woman whose specialty was bush babies. "I think I'm going to need at least ten of you guys to fuck me one after the other." She had no shortage of volunteers.

Once Annie's bum was as red as a radish, Mandrake pulled her cheeks apart and rammed his throbbing cock right up her rectum.


"Oh, yeah!" cried Annie. "Fuck me hard Mr. Baboon Man!"

Instinctively realising that some applause was called for, most of the women who had been watching knelt down and started to suck the cocks of the men who had been wanking to free up their hands to clap.

"Gee," sighed an ecstatic Annie, "it sure is fun being a Socially Lubricating Uninhibited Trollope!"

"Annie, Annie, wake up," came a quiet voice beside her as she felt a hand gently pushing on her shoulder. She looked up into the face of Dominic Morrell, the gorilla sign language teacher she had had a fling with at a conference a couple of years before.

Annie shook her head to bring herself back to reality. She could feel that her panties were absolutely drenched beneath her short business-like skirt. On the stage Graeme Garden-Oddie was giving a presentation about food theft amongst a particular kind of long armed primate. It was entitled "Gibbon Take".

"Did you really want to hear this?" asked Annie, giving Dominic a smile and wink.

"Not particularly," he replied. "If you prefer we could go back to my room and monkey around."

The End

3 comments:

  1. Ah, the natural habitat of the Socially Lubricated Uninhibited Trollope - I'd always wondered. As usual, absolutely delightful. The alliteration was wonderful, and I loved Gibbon Take, but the Trollope wins this weeks prize.

    Thanks for giving me a giggle - I so needed it today

    ReplyDelete
  2. Teehee, another fantastic story! God knows I needed a little giggle. Very cheeky, Scrib.

    xx

    ReplyDelete