Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Washed Up : Wank Wednesday


Today's Wank Wednesday prompt is #patience. For more information about this writing challenge, and for links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

Washed Up




Robin Crusoe was bored. She was also horny. The steady rise and fall of the sailing vessel as it made its way over the mighty waves of the Pacific Ocean reminded her of sex. But then everything had a way of reminding Robin of sex.

So far, on the voyage, she had contented herself with masturbating in her cabin, but tonight she was feeling more adventurous. She knew that the hunkiest of the sailors was taking the night watch on deck, so she slipped out of her bloomers and went aloft. The sea breeze whipped up the hem of her long dress and she felt the ocean spray upon the tender flesh of her bosom which was lifted and displayed to best advantage by her bodice.

There was Matthew, the spunky sailor, standing on the deck.

"Hello, there," she greeted him. "I couldn't sleep."

"Greetings, ma'am," he replied. His shirt was open to the navel, displaying his hairy muscular chest.

"Where's the Southern Cross?" Robin wanted to know.

"That's it up there," Matthew pointed. As he did, Robin moved up close and began to rub the front of his breaches.

"Did I ever tell you that I'm very fond of seamen?" she purred.

"If you keep that up you might get more than you bargained for, you saucy wench," threatened the sailor.

"The question is whether you can keep it up," chuckled Robin, unbuttoning the man's fly and freeing his now rock hard cock.

"Thank goodness the captain has been hitting the bottle hard this evening," Matthew pointed out. "Normally he puts in a regular appearance. But I think, tonight, I might be able to give you what you want without danger of being interrupted."

"I think it's what you want too," Robin said, stroking his hot hard prick. "And I've taken my bloomers off for easy access." She lifted her dress to give a quick flash of her hairy pussy.


The next thing she knew she was bent over the ship's railing with the sea spray drenching her face and boobs, as Matthew lifted her dress, gave her bare bottom a slap and then slid his hard cock deep into her juicy wet cunt.

"Oh, God!" she moaned. "That's exactly what I need."

"Your cunt's so wet!" exclaimed Matthew. "How slutty can a lady be?"

"A lady is someone who appreciates the fine things of life," she sighed. "And that sure is a fine thing you're thrusting into my tender cunt."

With his big calloused hands he grabbed at her soft bum cheeks as he pumped away.

As pleasure coursed through her body her legs began to wobble. And then she felt her juices flowing out over his cock and down her legs.

"Ahhhhhh," he groaned as he shot his load in her steaming depths.

"Anything to report?" asked a deep voice from down the other end of the deck.

"Shit!" Matthew exclaimed softly. Then he grabbed Robin's legs and quickly flipped her over the side of the ship. She fell into the water with a splash which was drowned out by the sound of the waves hitting the bow of the vessel.

"Help! Help!" yelled Robin.

"What was that?" asked the captain.

"Just the porpoises," replied Matthew.

Within half an hour, the ship had disappeared over the horizon and Robin was bobbing like a cork in the massive waves.

The first thing she did was to struggle out of her dress. She was a good enough swimmer, but she had to be free to move and not weighed down by wet clothing.

She could swim, but where? She had no way of finding the nearest land.

Just as she was considering this question her eye was caught by movement off to her left. In the light of the near full moon she could see a large fin coming straight towards her. It was a shark, probably a White Pointer, and it was moving ever faster as it approached. Within seconds it was upon her.


"Fuck off!" cried Robin, punching the shark hard in the nose. It fell back, circled, and then went off in search of fast food that didn't fight back.

Robin trod water until dawn. Then she saw another fin close by. She tensed up her fist, but then she saw the blow-hole and a shot of spray into the morning sunlight. It was a dolphin.

Swimming over to the friendly creature, Robin grabbed it by the tail and let it drag her along. Dolphins like to spend some of their time close to shore, so if she hung on long enough she might end up near land.

Sure enough, on the morning of the next day, Robin found herself within swimming distance of a tropical island. She bid her ocean-going friend a fond farewell and swam toward the island, finally relaxing and just letting the tide wash her ashore.

The first thing she did was to pick up a coconut, break it against a rock and eat hungrily of the white meat. And she discovered a spring where water boiled up through the ground. It looked as if she would be able to survive here.

After she had taken care of her basic needs, she found a sharp rock and used it to carve a crude calendar into the side of a fallen tree. She was a good religious girl and was determined never to lose track of which day was Sunday.

She built herself a crude hut and she explored the island. The days passed and turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months into years. Most of her time she spent sunbathing and masturbating. There wasn't much else to do on the island. It wasn't long before she was nut brown. Her diet consisted mainly of coconuts and fish.

There was a banana tree on the island, but she never ended up eating any of the bananas. The reason was a lack of patience. In order to eat the bananas she would have to wait for them to get ripe. But, looking up at those green bananas growing big and long and fat, made her think of something else which was big and long and fat. She was aching for cock. So she would always end up picking each banana before it got ripe so that she could shove it deep into her hungry twat. Fucking bananas wasn't the same as fucking cocks. They weren't warm and throbbing and they didn't squirt hot cum all over the inside of her cunt, but they were the best replacement she had, and she could only use them a few times before they got all shrivelled up by the sun.


There was another island nearby. Robin could tell because she could sometimes hear the faint sound of tribal drums drifting across the sea. One day she decided to build a canoe and see if she could paddle to the other island.

It was the middle of a Friday afternoon when Robin paddled around the coast of the other, larger, island. She took refuge behind a large rocky outcrop and peeked around it toward the shore where a group of dark-skinned natives were gathered. What she saw made her vomit up her coconuts.

Some of the natives were tearing flesh from large bones with their teeth. And, in the middle of the beach lay what was left of a human corpse. The natives were cannibals!

Once her stomach had settled, Robin looked once more at the cannibal group. Like herself, they were all naked. And the men were very well-endowed. Their cocks hung halfway to their knees. It was almost enough to weaken Robin's resolve to maintain her distance from these dangerous individuals. She didn't want to get eaten, but she would have dearly liked to be gang-banged by those cannibals. As she watched, some of the cannibal women began playing with the men's cocks, licking their balls and stroking their swiftly stiffening shafts. And then they were sliding those big stiff cocks deep down their throats. It seemed to Robin that the men were taking a chance given that the women, like themselves, had a taste for human flesh. But maybe they didn't eat members of their own tribe.

Robin returned safely to her island and resolved not to visit the cannibal island again. She didn't want to draw attention to her presence.

But, one Wednesday about four months later, the cannibals visited Robin's island.

She hid behind a tree and watched as they dumped an old man on the shore and then paddled away.

Robin had heard about some native peoples, most notably the Inuit, who would take their elderly out to some remote location and leave them to die. She suspected that this was what was being done in this instance.

Once the canoe had disappeared over the horizon, Robin came out and had a look at the old man. He looked at her with big sad eyes as he sat despondently on the sand.

Robin held out her hand in greeting. The man grabbed it and shoved it in his mouth. Then he savagely licked and sucked on it. He had no teeth.

"A cannibal with no teeth?" said Robin. "I can see where that could be a problem."

She sat down in the sand and let the old man, whom she had decided to name Wednesday, since that was the day of the week on which she had met him, suck on her fingers. Then she had an idea.

"My fingers aren't the tastiest bit of me," she told him, as she lay back and pressed his lips to her right nipple. He sucked on it enthusiastically and it stiffened in his mouth.

Half an hour later, Robin was quivering and crying out in orgasm, as Wednesday licked and sucked on her horny cunt.

From hegre-art.com
Now Robin had less need for the green bananas, which was a good thing, because soft bananas was the perfect food to feed to Wednesday. Before the bananas had started to ripen, she had had to spit chewed up coconut into his mouth like a mother bird feeding her chicks. She thought this was kind of disgusting, but he didn't seem to mind. Then she remembered what he used to eat and she could understand why he might not be so fussy.

She found that it was nice to have someone to look after. And the sexual favours didn't just go one way. Since he was so good at orally pleasuring her, it only seemed fair that she wank Wednesday. He might be old and feeble, but he had a huge cock, which didn't require much encouragement to swell and stiffen. Robin slid her hand up and down its length and whispered endearments he couldn't understand, until spurt after spurt of creamy white jism splattered all over his leathery brown hide. She would lick it all up and swallow it down as she didn't want to waste any precious protein.

Robin and Wednesday lived together like this for about a year. But then she made the mistake of fucking him. She knew he was physically very weak, but he had such a huge capable cock. So one day she rolled him over on his back mid-wank and mounted him. She rode up and down on his impressive stiffness and she grabbed his bony hands and placed them on her bountiful bouncing boobs. She came quickly and hard, squirting her juices over his big droopy balls, and he also orgasmed.

But it was too much for his weak heart. He died with a smile on his face.

After she had buried Wednesday, Robin became very lonely.

One day, as she looked down at her right breast, she noticed that the nipple looked a bit like a little brown nose in the middle of a chubby brown face. She picked up a piece of charcoal from her fire and drew little black eyes and a little black curve of a mouth on her breast. She drew the eyes on the bottom and the mouth upside down on the top, so that, from her perspective, as she looked down at it, it looked like a face. She called it Wilson. She wasn't sure why. It just looked like a Wilson.


Over time she spent more and more of her time talking to Wilson. She told him her life story. She told him jokes. She complained to him when it rained and when she accidentally burned her fish. Wilson was always sympathetic.

One day a bottle washed ashore. Robin picked it up and found that it contained a hand-written message on a piece of parchment. I read, "Please rescue me. My name is Alexander Selkirk and I'm a castaway on Juan Fernandez archipelago off the coast of Chile."

"Sorry, Alex baby," Robin said, as she picked up a seagull quill, dipped it in squid ink, and scratched out the man's name and his current location. She changed it to her name and put the location as Fuckdifino Island. Then she threw it back out to sea. "It's a dog eat dog world for us castaways."

Robin had been on the island for seven long years when finally a ship's sails appeared on the horizon. The ship was the HMAS Bounty. She jumped up and down and waved to the boatload of mutineers as they rowed ashore.

The first to step onto the sand was Fletcher Christian ("Big Ears" to his friends). He was accompanied by four of his fellow crew members.


"Am I glad to see you guys!" exclaimed our heroine, feeling the wetness dribble down the inside of her thighs at the prospect of a decent fuck.

"So you are not a native?" asked the incredulous Christian. "You speak perfect English."

"I'm Lady Robin Crusoe," she declared proudly. "I have been on this island for seven long years."

Then she strode boldly up to Christian and began unbuttoning his breaches.

"Ma'am, perhaps your long ordeal has caused you to lose your wits," he suggested, looking embarrassed.

"The only thing that's making me crazy is that I haven't seen a cock for five years," she insisted, pulling out his rock hard penis. "And it looks like you quite like the idea of fucking an insane island girl."

"We will if he doesn't!" cried one of the other men, yanking down his trousers and waving his hard cock in her general direction.

"I want you all," she informed him. "But you'll just need a bit of patience."

Helen from Girls Out West
But patience isn't a mutineers strong suit, so no sooner did she have Fletcher Christian nude on the sand, with her juicy cunt impaled over his meaty member, than one of the other men was bending her forward, smearing his pre-cum all over his cock and shoving it up her bum-hole.

"Oh, dear," she cried. "I've never had one there before, but I think I like it!"

Then another sailor was slapping his stiff dick against her face. She opened her lips and sucked it in, teasing it with her wicked tongue.

Each of the other men grabbed one of her hands and pushed it onto his erection. She wrapped her fingers around their excited poles and began wanking them off.

Ain't that always the way, she thought to herself as she was rapturously gang banged, no cock for five years and then five come along all at once.

The End


2 comments:

  1. I love your humour, you never fail to make me smile.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very funny! I was very impressed you were able to keep it up that long. (That's what she said.)

    ReplyDelete