I, A Dick : Wank Wednesday

Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #shadow. For more info on this writing challenge and for links to the other stories visit the Word Ejaculation site.

I, A Dick

What horniness lurks in the panties of women? The Shadow knows.

I'm The Shadow. Not the one who was the subject of the radio show in the 30s. He died ages ago. It's one of those things like with The Phantom - a new one takes the place of the old when they get past it.

But, like the original Shadow, I have a prominent proboscis and I make my living by sticking it into other people's business. I'm a private eye - a dick. Unlike my predecessors though, I don't solve murders. Cheating wives are my specialty.

My name comes from my ability, using my dark cloak and dark hat, to fade into the shadows when tailing someone. I have a talent for virtual invisibility. Virtual invisibility comes through the combined effect of two talents :

1. Knowing where someone will be looking.

2. Being somewhere else.

This is the tale of what happened when I was hired to investigate famed erotic romance novelist Tamara Tingle (clearly not her real name). Her husband, publishing magnate Nigel Knobworthy (unfortunately his real name), suspected that not all of Tamara's libido surplus was being sublimated into her literary works. His instincts told him that other boners than his had been playing in what he considered his personal rumpus room.

First I followed her down to the post office around noontime. It was a small one-man post office. I slipped in inconspicuously and pretended to be looking at the funny birthday cards.

"I've got a package for you," Tamara said to Postman Pat (his real name and he gets so much shit about it), "do you have a package for me."

"Coooorrrrrrr!" replied the veteran stamp-licker, leering at Tamara's thoughtfully displayed cleavage. Clearly the two were on familiar terms.

Pat hurried over to the door. He closed it, locked it and turned outward the sign which read "Out to Lunch". Neither of them noticed my presence behind the display stand of discount-priced Andre Rieu DVDs.

"Mmmmm, you do have a package for me," sighed Tamara as they headed out into the back room. She was fondling Pat's erect penis through his regulation trousers.

Pat picked her up and lay her on the mail table.

"I'm afraid you'll have to stay here," he told her. "We aren't allowed to post anything that might catch fire, and you are way to hot."

Tamara giggled and unzipped his pants, pulling out his rock hard cock.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "Your prick's gone postal!"

He quickly tore off the rest of his clothes, and then set about tenderly disrobing his lady love. He slid the straps of her dress down over her shoulders and reached under her to unclip her bra. He sighed with delight at the unveiling of her lush, creamy stiff-nippled boobs.

He grabbed a sheet of stamps and tore off two of them. Then he licked her pert pink nipples and slapped a picture of Queen Elizabeth's face on each of them.

"I hope your package isn't too big to fit in my slot," smiled Tamara, as he pulled off her dress and slid down her panties. He gave her stiff clit a good licking and decorated that too with the smiling face of the matriarch of the Windsor clan.

He then picked up a magic marker and wrote an address on her little round belly :

Tamara Tingle

1 Wet Pussy Way

Orgasmville 0000

Heaven

"Mmmmmmm, send me there... send me there..." pleaded the notorious novelist of naughtiness.

Pat grabbed her legs and slid his postman's prick deep into her hot horny hole.

"Your post and my box," she moaned, "the perfect team."

She came over and over again. Pat wanted to keep going, but he could hear people knocking on the door wanting to mail their letters. So he pulled out of her well-satisfied pussy and ejaculated all over the queen's face.

I recorded it all on my camera phone.

The pair dressed quickly, then Pat unlocked the door. I walked out backwards so that he would think I was walking in. So far so good.

That night I examined the evidence carefully, so carefully, in fact, that I used up a whole box of tissues.

The next day Tamara gave a lecture on genre writing at the local university.

After the lecture I stood nearby listening to her conversing with an under-graduate.

"How's our little charity organisation going?" she asked.

"If you are in the mood to give until it hurts," he replied, "there are fifteen poor unfortunates in need or your assistance."

I followed them to a deserted classroom. The fifteen unfortunates turned out to be the entire university Dungeons and Dragons Club and the dilemma from which they needed to be liberated was the state of virginity.

At first they were a little shy, but once they realised that they could role a dice to see who got to stick their cock into which hole, they took to this new group activity like ducks to water. [Or like a second-rate author of humorous erotica to a well-worn cliche. Ed.]

"You guys are going to do fine now you've lost your cherries," she reassured them, as she squeezed her bum-hole around a spotted youth's sizeable cock, while a fat hairy guy fucked her juicy cunt and the rest wanked off in the wings. She didn't just pay lip service to their carnal talents, she used her luscious lips on their cocks and balls as well.

Half way through the orgy a hot girl walked in on them.

"Wow!" she cried. "Can girls join the Dungeons and Dragons Club?"

"Sure!" cried the guys in unison.

"If I'd known you got nude and played for fuck forfeits," she informed them, pulling off her t-shirt to reveal her massive bra-less boobs, "I would have applied ages ago."

"Much has been achieved here today," Tamara's friend told her, giving her a kiss on her way out.

"Who's that dude with the cloak and black hat?" asked the fat hairy guy. But by the time the others looked I was gone.

I can't give you the name of the guy Tamara visited on the following day, because he is a famous best-selling horror novelist. They had met up during the filming of a documentary on the creative process a few months before.

Now he was back in town and he invited Tamara to join him in his hotel room that evening.

I disguised myself as room service in a tear-away velcro-fastened uniform like strippers use. While the pair were hoeing into their grub, I whipped off the white uniform and merged with the bedroom curtains.

After their meal, Tamara had a shower and came back to lie naked on the bed while her Stephen-King-competing companion attended to his own ablutions.

The lights were off in the room. A slice of light shone through the door, illuminating the wall facing the bed. Suddenly, Tamara screamed as a sinister shadow fell across the wall. It was the shadow of a massive erect cock and it was coming to get her.

The cock which threw the shadow, of course, was not really that big. It was an optical illusion. But it was big enough. Tamara lit a candle beside the bed. In the flickering light she watched the figure that approached the bed. It was naked except for a hockey mask. And its cock clearly had evil intentions.

"Jab me, Jason!" cried Tamara, enthusiastically. "Fuck me, Freddy! Leatherface, be my lover! Choose me, Chucky!"

"Chucky?" queried the masked maniac.

"I like Chucky," she replied, defensively. "He's cute."

"Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!" he cried, as he punished her pussy by pounding it with his prick.

"Oh, yeah!" she moaned. "Kill me more! Kill me more!" And she quivered through several orgasms.

"You really are my little scream queen," he smiled evilly, as he sat back on his heals brandishing his still rampant weapon.

"A pity I'm not having my period," she laughed. "Then it would really be a gore-fest."

For a horror author, he appeared to be a bit squeamish at this suggestion and moved on to the next scenario.

"After emerging from the steamy swamp the hideous beast proceeded to terrorise the gorgeous village maiden," he intoned as he slid his hard cock up over Tamara's belly and between her boobs heading for her face.

"Oh, God!" she screamed, "surely this is the spawn of Hell itself. I've never seen anything so hideous... all purple and veiny, and with one horrible lifeless eye staring at me..."

"The monster gave a spasming twitch," groaned the scribe of scariness, as his cock gave in to the delicious sensation of sliding up over the soft flesh of her chin, "and drenched the poor maiden with it's ectoplasm." With this he shot spurt after spurt of his creamy cum all over her face.

Tamara giggled.

"I got slimed!" she cried, smearing his jism all over her cheeks and blowing cum-bubbles with it.

"I was trying for Cthulu mythos and you turned it into Ghostbusters!" he cried in exasperation.

"I like Ghostbusters," replied Tamara. "It has Bill Murray in it. I wish I had Bill Murray in me."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. The number one thing you are supposed to not do when being invisible.

"Who are you?" they wanted to know.

"The Shadow. Private Dick. Hired by Mr. Knobworthy," I introduced myself.

"My husband's jealous?" she asked. "That's sweet. Really it is."

"I'm afraid I'll have to present him with the evidence I've gathered," I explained. "I don't like to do it, but its my job."

"I love my husband," Tamara replied. "That's why I fuck other men. It would be cruel to drain such an important man with all of my sexual needs. We have a good sex life within its limits. But I need more and he doesn't. I don't love any of these other men I have sex with. They love me, of course. How could they not. But its just sex for me."

"I think I'll step out and get some air," said the horror author. "This is getting a bit too personal. Feel free to make yourselves at home until you've sorted this all out."

"Give me all the evidence," suggested Tamara when we were alone, "and I'll suck your cock like it's never been sucked before."

"When you say 'like it's never been sucked before' are we just talking about some kind of weird technique, which might even be painful?" I asked.

"No, I mean your cock will be Romeo and my tongue will be Juliet, only this time they'll get the happy ending they so richly deserve," she explained.

"Oh, O.K.," I replied.

All of my cases have ended pretty much the same way. One of these days I'll learn to resist the wiles of women. Until then I'll just have to keep up my second job as a parking inspector.

The End

Slice : Wank Wednesday

Today we arrive once more at Wank Wednesday, an institution established by Ruby Kiddell at The Erotic Notebook. Here is how she explains it :

Welcome to week 13 of Wank Wednesday, your weekly festival of smut.

With so many great writers of smut and erotica on Twitter and the web I thought it would be a nice idea to get a smutty blog carnival going. For writers or would be writers a weekly prompt will get you writing and as a reader well you’ll be able to get your fix of sexy stories all in one go.

All you need to do to join in is to write a story using this week’s prompt #slice and then;

Blog it – post it on your blog then come back here and add it to the link list.

Tweet it – write it on twitter using the prompt hashtag and the #wankwednesday hashtag.

Add it – if you don’t want to blog or tweet it then please do add it as comment to my post.

WE it – if you are a member at Word Ejaculation you can submit with them too, just remember to link back to me here and to add your entry to the link list.

A couple of housekeeping points;

Please include a link back to this post in your post, if not I’ll remove it from the link list.

Please take the time to read and comment on some of the other posts, it is after all about writing and encouraging writing.

Thank you for writing and reading.

Slice

No matter which way you slice it, two girls are better than none. That was the decision I had to make when Clara fell in love with Maisie.

Clara and I had been living together for ten years at that stage. We were best mates. We weren't lovers, but we did spend a lot of time fucking each other, licking each others erogenous zones and wanking off together. We were friends and these were friendly activities. True, our relationship was an unconventional one. Essentially, we didn't believe in repression. We could have pretended not to have sexual feelings for each other simply because we didn't think about each other in a romantic way, but why should we live with that awkwardness and deny ourselves lots of pleasure?

From time to time we did get involved with someone romantically. If we thought they were open-minded, then we didn't hide our uninhibited home life. If we thought it would trouble them, we did the compassionate thing and didn't tell them about it.

But when Clara met Maisie it looked like things had come to a crossroad. It was a match made in heaven. They were crazy about each other. So I did the honourable thing and started looking for another apartment. But then one afternoon, when I came back from a hard day of apartment hunting, Clara announced that she and Maisie had been discussing the situation and had come to a decision.

"We've decided to keep you," she told me. "The landlord won't let us have a dog or cat."

"How magnanimous of you," I replied, acidly. "Will I have to eat kibbles and poo in a litter tray?"

"Don't be a grumpy bum," she chuckled, poking me in the belly. "You like Maisie and Maisie likes you. It won't be so different from how it has always been. You might have to whack off a bit more, because Maisie and I are going to be very busy licking each others pussies. But you never know, we might need your cock from time to time if the batteries go flat in our vibrators."

I wasn't at all sure that this arrangement was going to be good for my dignity. But what guy could possibly turn down a front row seat at a lesbian lickoff?

For a couple of weeks I had the place to myself. The lovers had decided to spend some time in Paris having a horny honeymoon. On the first couple of evenings I went out to nudie bars with some of my mates. When I got sick of their company I stocked the refrigerator with beer, and spent my evenings masturbating to internet porn. By the end of the second week I was in a very maudlin mood, binging on chocolate bars while watching Clara's chick flick DVDs with a pair of Maisie's knickers on my head.

On a Saturday afternoon they returned with suitcases full of new clothes.

"Let's have a movie night!" suggested Clara.

So we headed down to the local video store. Clara always prefers to pick something off the shelf the old fashioned way rather than get DVDs through the mail or download movies off the internet.

"I feel like something creepy," she said.

"How about this one," suggested Maisie, picking up a film entitled Sorority Shish Kebab.

"What's it about?" I asked.

"It's a slice and dice movie about a cannibal who only eats vegans," explained Maisie enthusiastically.

How could we say "No" to that? On the way home we picked up a family sized capricciosa pizza, a large order of spaghetti bolognese, assorted bags of lollies and two two litre bottles of Coke.

"We had a fantastic movie marathon in our hotel room in Paris," gushed Maisie. "We watched all six Star Wars movies one after the other and then Clara wrapped a sheet around herself, stuck fruit buns on the sides of her head and gave me a foaming Chewbacca!"

"Dare I ask what a foaming Chewbacca is?" I queried.

"We found out about it on the internet and just had to try it," Clara pointed out.

"Yeah, I licked her clit until she was right on the verge," explained Maisie, " and then I lifted up her bum and filled her cunt with pop rocks and cola. You should have seen her squirm!"

"And after I squirted my juices into the mix she drank the lot," added Clara proudly.

"Have you ever heard of the Light Sabre Lollipop?" I asked, unzipping my fly.

"Don't be stupid," Clara replied. "You don't even like Star Wars."

Clara turned on the television and we watched a bit of Wipe Out while eating the spaghetti. When a fat guy bounced off of one of the balls and somersaulted into the water, I laughed so hard I spilled spaghetti sauce all over my t-shirt.

"We can't take you anywhere!" complained Clara.

"We aren't anywhere," I pointed out. "We're at home."

"I think he'd better take all of his clothes off," suggested Maisie. "It'll take him ages to get that sauce out of his t-shirt, and we wouldn't want him to make a mess of his jeans as well."

"Why don't you ladies join me?" I suggested.

"We don't need to," replied Clara. "We don't make a mess."

Well, I've always been something of a closet exhibitionist. And if they don't want to see my closet then I'll happily show them my cock.

I kicked off my thongs, took off my soiled t-shirt and stood up and pulled down my jeans.

"And these too," declared Maisie, pulling down my underpants and leaving me completely naked. "Nice bum," she declared with a giggle.

We ate the rest of the spaghetti without incident, then the girls decided that they wanted to get more comfortable, so they went into their bedroom and changed into their pyjamas. They were determined to maintain their position of power over me, however, so they closed the door and didn't let me peek. All the same, by the time they came back my cock was semi-erect just from thinking about being totally naked with a pair of girls whose pussies could be exposed with a simple tug on their pyjama bottoms.

"Pizza time!" cried Maisie, opening the box.

I grabbed a big slice with lots of olives. Immediately the front flopped down and a huge dollop of melted cheese fell right onto my swollen cock.

"I'll get it!" cried Maisie, diving between my legs and hungrily licking and sucking the mozzarella from my manhood. For a few moments I was in heaven, but it didn't last. She came up giggling and wiping the grease from her chin. "I never thought I'd be hungry enough to eat the cheese off a guy's cock," she declared.

"Ewwww. You're so gross!" exclaimed Clara.

"I think you like me that way," teased Maisie, giving Clara a cuddle. "Because you know I'm dirty enough to do anything you want me to do, even pee on your clit."

"Pee on her clit?" I enquired. "Tell me more."

"No, don't," insisted Clara, turning red.

"Clara's a kinky girl," Maisie told me. "She likes to lay back naked in an empty bath with her legs spread and play with herself. And then she likes me to get naked too and squat over her in the bath and let out a hot stream of steaming piss right onto her excited little girl boner. Don't you Clara?"

"You didn't have to tell him," she complained.

"Now, now," I told her, "we mustn't have any secrets. The more we share the more we care."

"Exactly," agreed Maisie. "That's why Clara and I logged onto your computer back when you were apartment hunting and found your collection of she-male porn."

"What?!?" I exclaimed.

"You don't have to be embarassed," Maisie reassured me. "We like big cocks too, only we prefer them when they're on men."

"Let's watch the movie!" cried Clara.

So we turned off all the lights and fired up the BluRay player.

I sat next to Clara and Maisie sat on her other side. Maisie took charge of opening the packets of lollies. There were Jaffas and aniseed rings and Minties.

The first time the killer leapt out of the shadows and chopped someone's head off Maisie jumped and the Jaffas rained down all over us. And Clara grabbed my leg as she screamed.

The next time the killer struck, I screamed and grabbed Clara's left boob. She looked down disapprovingly and coughed.

"I know what you're thinking," she told me. "You're thinking this movie is going to scare the pants off us. Well, it's not. Our pants are staying put."

"Cooorrrrr!" I groaned, a few minutes later, as the screen filled with soapy naked sorority sisters in the shower, and my cock stood to attention.

"Want some help there?" chided Clara, grabbing my stiff cock in her left hand and tugging the loose skin up and down.

"Don't encourage him. He's such a dirty boy," put in Maisie. The room was dark, but not so dark that I couldn't see that she had her hand down her pyjama bottoms and appeared to be energetically scratching an itch that was several centimetres inside her vagina.

The killer continued his spree. When one girl closed the mirrored door of her bathroom cabinet in such as way as to reveal the killer grinning evilly over her shoulder, Maisie squealed and pulled her feet up onto the couch.

"I think Maisie's going to piss herself," I pointed out. "You better get your girl boner out."

"If you don't stop teasing me about that, I'll get her to take a dump on your head," threatened Clara.

"If she did that, I'd have to sue 'er," I cracked. "Get it, take a dump... sewer..."

"You are going to have to pay for that!" exclaimed Maisie. "Clara, how many Jaffa's do you think you can fit in your cunt?"

The next thing I knew, the movie was on pause, Clara's pyjama bottoms were around her ankles, and me and Maisie were hunting the floor for Jaffas. In the end Maisie managed to fit 37 Jaffas into Clara's vagina. Then it was my job to use suction and the prying power of my tongue to try to get them all back out. Clara was loving it, squealing and giggling and spasming. My cock was stiff again. On the downside all that candy was making me feel a little queasy. But things were going fairly well until Clara orgasmed. When that happened the combination of lubrication from her pussy juices and her vaginal spasms caused the remaining Jaffas to shoot out of her cunt and into the back of my throat. One of them stuck there and I began to choke.

"Heimlich Maneuver!" cried Maisie grabbing me around the waist from behind and squeezing up under my rib cage.

The Jaffa shot out of my mouth, flew across the room and hit the stereo, turning on the radio. The voice of Tom Jones burst out into the semi-darkness singing, "What's new pussycat! Woah, Woah!"

"I think we'd better return to the homicidal maniac," declared Maisie. "Playing with Jaffas is too dangerous."

Once the movie was over we turned the lights back on and began tidying up. Maisie put what was left of the pizza in the fridge. Clara cleaned down the table top. My contribution to the clean up effort was to pull the girl's pyjama bottoms down every time they had their hands full. Eventually they decided it was just easier to strip off. When they came back from washing the glasses in the kitchen they found me standing in the middle of the lounge room with fifteen aniseed rings stretched over my erect cock.

"Anyone still have a sweet tooth?" I enquired.

"Both sweet and sharp," threatened Maisie doing the Piranha Chomp.

Then she came over and took the aniseed rings off one by one with her fingers and made me eat them.

My cock was still stiff. I put my arms around the girls and fondled a soft butt cheek with each hand.

"After watching that movie I'm scared stiff," I told them. "I'm afraid the Boogey Man will get me if I don't sleep in your bed tonight."

"O.K." said Maisie. "But you're sleeping on the wet spot."

For the next half hour I lay stroking my cock as I watched Maisie and Clara licking each other's pussies.

"I know you want to fuck me," said Maisie, taking a brief respite from her clit-sucking activities. "I'm not really so cruel. I'm just a tease. Why don't to crawl over Clara and slide right in. Don't worry about giving her a bit of a teabagging. Just don't expect her to lick your balls. Her tongue's mine for the time being."

So I threw a leg over Clara, bounced my balls on her forehead and gave Maisie a playful slap on the arse before sliding my cock home into her warm wet pussy. I could feel the heat of Clara's breath over my balls as she continued to lick her lover's pleasure button. It wasn't long before we all climaxed and collapsed onto the bed in a heap. Maisie's lips were covered in Clara's juices, and Clara's in both Maisie's juices and mine.

I was just returning to their bed, after drinking some orange juice, having a shower and brushing my teeth, when Maisie whispered something to Clara.

"Maisie hasn't had enough pussy licking," Clara told me. "I'm too tired. Would you mind helping her out?"

"Not at all," I replied, ever the gentleman.

"Come around here and get under the covers," Maisie requested.

I crawled into her side of the bed and slid down between her legs. She pulled the quilt up over my head.

"O.K.," she said. "Hold him Clara!"

"What's going on?" I protested, as Clara leaned on me hard.

Then Maisie let out a long, loud fart. It had a stench so thick you could slice it.