Boneriffic Burlesque Babes - No. 1 - Poppy Cherry

Poppy Cherry is a Melbourne burlesque dancer who also has a pasty-making business. And she's a movie star having played a character described as "a ‘chuckie doll’ played by a hot brunette with a corset and over-the-knee socks" in the more interesting and entertaining looking movie called Burlesque to come out in 2010. (Forget about that thing with Cher and Christina Aguillera. It looks like shit.)

Poppy's website

Have a Vibrant Valentine's Day

With Valentine's Day only a day away, here are some relevant e-cards :

Nothing Like a Little Pussy

Just to show why I generally stick to writing, here is my one venture into the world of filmmaking. A tribute to Andy Warhol's Sleep (1963) and that perennially popular genre - the YouTube cat video :

A YouTube Video Soundtrack to "Pink Flamingos"

Nobody makes fun of the ridiculous obsessive side of sex like John Waters. Whether using rosary beads as a sex aid (Multiple Maniacs), sucking each others toes in gender inappropriate underwear (Pink Flamingos), rubbing themselves with a fish as an erotic act (Female Trouble), sticking their breasts through glory holes in a toilet wall (Desperate Living), fetishistically stomping on women's feet (Polyester), masturbating to a Chesty Morgan movie (Serial Mom), letting a gerbil go up their butt (Cecil B. Demented) or picking up a water bottle with their "cooter" (A Dirty Shame), the characters in John Waters movies engage in some of the most hilariously ridiculous sex acts committed to celluloid. His films are not erotic, but they end up coming off as celebrations of sexuality all the same. And they are very, very funny.

Waters is also a music fan. He collects obscure R & B and novelty songs and often uses them in his movies. He has also put out two compilation albums - A John Waters Christmas and A Date With John Waters.

A lot of the songs from John Waters movies have video clips, mostly fan made, on YouTube, so just for the fun of it I thought I'd put up video soundtracks to some of his movies, beginning with his most notorious Pink Flamingos (1972), which made a household name of Divine. It tells the story of Divine (a murderer living under the alias of Babs Johnson in a trailer park outside Baltimore). She lives with her "travelling companion" Cotton (Mary Vivien Pearce), her senile egg-obsessed mother Edie (Edith Massey) and her sexually perverse son Crackers (Danny Mills). Divine has been labelled "the filthiest person alive". But a local couple - Connie (Mink Stole) and Raymond (David Lochary) Marble - who kidnap hippy girls, have their butler rape them and then sell the babies produced to lesbian couples, reinvesting the money in sex shops and elementary school heroin rings - decide that they are filthier than Divine and challenge her to a filth-off by mailing her a year old turd.

Pink Flamingos is perhaps the world's most notorious gross out movie. Many people can't watch it. But for me its gleefully transgressive nature makes it a real feel good movie.

The Swag by Link Wray and the Wraymen

This infectious rockabilly instrumental plays over the opening titles as we see Divine's trailer for the first time with the titular birds stand in front of it.

Intoxica by The Centurions (as covered by The Vulcanos)

A surf instrumental which accompanies Divine driving into Baltimore, nearly running down a jogger and making fun of a hitchhiking soldier.

Jim Dandy by Laverne Baker

An instrumental break from this classic R & B song plays as Divine arrives in Baltimore for her shopping trip.

I'm Not a Juvenile Delinquent by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

Video no longer available

This song plays as Divine is shopping for meat and getting checked out by a pervert with a packet of hotdogs.

The Girl Can't Help It by Little Richard

This classic rock 'n' roll song by Little Richard, which was the title song of one of Water's favourite movies, accompanies Divine parading down a street in central Baltimore to the obvious astonishment of local residents who didn't know a movie was being made. Waters' new book Role Models contains an interview he did with Little Richard.

Ooh! Look-A There, Ain't She Pretty by Bill Haley & The Comets

This song accompanies Raymond Marble exposing himself to women in the park with a sausage tied to his penis.

Chicken Grabber by the Nitehawks

As Raymond's victims run away we hear this strange song.

Sixteen Candles by the Crests

Video no longer available.

In the original version of Pink Flamingos, this doo-wop song accompanied the mailing of the turd. For legal reasons it could not be used in the 25 Anniversary re-release, so it was replaced with...

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby by The Tune Weavers

Video no longer available.

Pink Champagne by the Tyrones

The wild birthday party scene is scored with this infectious tune.

Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen

During the party a man strips naked and flexes his asshole to the tune of this novelty classic.

Riot in Cellblock #9 by The Robins (as sung by Richard Berry)

The instrumental break from the original recording of this song, by the Robins (who would go on to become The Coasters), accompanies the police raid on Divine's birthday party.

How Much is That Doggie in the Window? by Patti Page

This cute classic provides counterpoint to the notorious scene in which Divine indulges in some impromptu dog do dining.

The Hills Have Thighs (2009)

Here is a trailer for a film which looks like it has a great bad taste sense of humour not a million miles away from that found in Waters movies. I can't wait to check it out :

Chicks with Dicks or Chicks with Pecs?

The modern male pursues his pleasures on a sometimes confused sexual playing field where he can never be sure if his balls are going to go out of bounds and on which he may sometimes be unclear which team he is playing for.

I noticed recently that a friend was taking an interest in transexual porn. Of course I'd checked it out too from time to time out of curiosity. A large part of porn is women being showered with cum by guys with freakishly large organs. When this essential porn experience can be achieved when there is only one person in the room one we have an act which can be appreciated for its aesthetic efficiency and admirable simplicity. And there is no doubt a special bond that can be felt between the masturbating porn watcher and the star attraction when both have a cock in their hand.

But isn't lusting after well-hung porn stars kind of gay? This is not to say that that is a bad thing. But one wants to know where one stands.

One thing about transexuals is that they generally look very feminine. I remember seeing a documentary on the Wiemar Republic period in Germany when a lot of decadent sexual activities were going on and a conversation was related in which a heterosexual told a homosexual that he might consider having sex with a male as long as it was a pretty young boy. The friend said, "Pshawww, you might as well fuck a woman!"  What is between the legs is not as important as the femininity or masculinity of the overall package.

Now I'm not saying I would want to go to bed with a transexual. A limitation to two points of sexual ingress plus the ego battering effects of realising that she was more well-endowed than myself would be too off-putting. But I would be even less likely to want to go to bed with a female bodybuilder. One might as well fuck a man.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not claiming to be 100% heterosexual. Even I can't watch one of those old Andy Warhol movies without wanting to squeeze Joe Dallesandro's muscles. But when it comes to women, I prefer the Marilyn Monroe-type to the Arnold Schwarzenegger-in-a-wig type. There is a simple mathematical formula when it comes to sex - soft woman = hard penis - hard woman = soft penis.

More recently I've caught my friend checking out female bodybuilder porn sites. Hmmmm.

But getting away from the whole issue of sexual attraction, I do love movies about gay men, lesbians, transvestites and transexuals. I think it is something to do with being able to identify with the struggle for self-acceptance and acceptance by the world at large, and stories of non-conformists of any kind triumphing over adversity always leave me on a high. So I'm looking forward to checking out this new trannysploitation movie Ticked Off Trannies With Knives. It sounds like a Pedro Almodovar movie, but it's not.

Tura Satana RIP

The great Tura Satana died on 4 February. She was the star of Russ Meyer's masterpiece Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! as well as hilariously dreadful camp classics such as Ted V. Mikel's The Astro Zombies and The Doll Squad. When Meyer discovered her she was working as a stripper and also a pin up girl in magazines. After her film career died down she became a nurse.

Tura was the only performer to ever force Russ Meyer to make an exception to his "no sex for the actors until the movie is in the can" rule. She insisted that going without sex was not an option for her and took full advantage of one of the members of the crew during the shoot.

For 75 years she lived life on her own terms. She will be missed.

Here is a rare photo layout from the first issue of Sizzle magazine in 1959, several years before she would star in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

If Alfred Hitchcock Made Porn Films

How might some of Alfred Hitchcock's classic films turned out if he aimed them at the dirty raincoat brigade?

PSYCHO

Psycho is best remembered for its golden shower scene.

Frustrated office worker Marlon Crane is entrusted by his boss with delivering $40,000 to a client. Instead he takes the money and heads out on the highway. As night falls he pulls into a quiet motel that lies in the shadow of a creepy dark house. The clerk is a mousy socially awkward girl named Norma Bates. She shows Marlon her collection of stuffed birds and then leads him to his room.

Marlon is just washing off the sweat of his crime when the shower curtain is pulled back and there stands Norma with a huge butcher knife in her hand.

Marlon is so terrified that he loses control of his bladder and pisses all over Norma. Being a closet kink freak, this turns her on. She drops the knife, grabs Marlon's cock and drags him up to the dark old house for a fuck fest. Marlon thinks that all his Christmases have come at once, but he is a little troubled by Norma's insistence that he call her "Daddy"...

REAR WINDOW

Famous porn photographer L B "Jeff" Jeffries has a broken leg, the result of slipping in a pool of jism while at work. Now all he can do is sit in his apartment and look out the window. Through the windows of the apartments opposite he sees the residents engaging in various kinds of sex acts. He spends his time watching and jerking off. Every so often his heiress girlfriend Lisa Fremont pops by and catches him stroking his cock. She calls him a pervert, but it doesn't stop her from giving him a blow job.

One evening he sees the vastly overweight Lars Thorwald tie his wife to the bed. Just as the fat man is dropping his trousers, the excitement of what he's about to do takes its toll on the clogged arteries of his heart and he drops dead.

Jeffries phones Lisa and tells her what he has seen. She comes over and they decide she really needs to break into Thorwald's apartment and rescue his wife. Jeffries watches nervously as Lisa enters the apartment opposite and removes Mrs. Thorwald's ball gag. But it turns out that rescue is not what is top on Mrs. Thorwald's mind. Jeffries once more takes his cock in hand as he watches his girl friend strip naked and bury her face between Mrs. Thorwald's legs...

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN

Tennis champ Guy Haines is travelling by train one day when he happens to look over the shoulder of handsome young Bruno Anthony who is looking at a slim young starlet in his newspaper.

"I wish my wife looked like that," he says.

"Nah, she's too skinny," replies Anthony. "I like 'em chubby."

"You'd like my wife," Guy tells him. "She's really running to the fat these days. Disgusting it is."

"Mine's gone the other way," complains Anthony. "Always on a diet. Like fucking a skeleton."

"The grass is always greener on the other side, I suppose," Guy philosophises.

"Know what we should do?" says Anthony with a chuckle. "We should swap."

"Do you think they would go along with that?" queries Guy.

"They'll never know," explains Anthony, "that's the beauty of it. You seduced my wife and I'll seduce yours, and they'll never know we planned it."

"Because we're strangers?" says Guy, the light dawning on him.

"Yeah," says Anthony. "...on a train..."

ROPE

Brandon Shaw and Phillip Morgan are two arrogant cookery students. They have such a high opinion of their culinary skills that they decide to undertake a daring, some might say foolhardy, experiment. They invite all of their ex-girlfriends to a dinner party for which they have prepared the food, but, unbeknownst to their guests, they have jacked off in all of the dishes to be served.

The youths can't resist also inviting their cookery teacher Roberta Caddell to the party. With her sensitive taste buds she could be the pair's undoing. Roberta is a part-time dominatrix who knows just how to punish those who would dare to play a dirty trick on her.

THE THIRTY NINE STEPS

Richard Hannay decides to give his wife a surprise on Valentine's Day. Normally he works late at the office on a Friday, but on this evening he comes home early. Hannay lives in an apartment block in London where all the rooms lead off of identical looking corridors. Being a little bit tipsy after a few beers on the way home, he mistakes the number 88 for 89 and enters the wrong apartment. Nobody locks their doors when they are at home. Hannay undresses and climbs into bed next to someone he assumes to be his wife. It is only as he begins to fondle her naked body that he realises his mistake.

"You're not Bertie!" cries the blonde beauty, clutching the bedclothes over her heaving bosom.

"And you're not Agatha," he informs her.

Just at that moment Bertie comes through the door.

"How dare you try to rape my wife!" cries the furious bowler-hatted business executive.

"He wasn't raping me," his wife tries to explain.

"So you wanted it did you, you filthy slut!" exclaims Bertie, opening the window and leaning out to yell, "Police! Police!" But he slips on a dildo that his wife has left lying on the floor and falls out the window, plummeting to his death on the street far below.

"Oh, dear," says the gorgeous blonde. "Now we're in the shit! By the way, my name's Pamela."

"Richard," our hero replies. "Glad to make your acquaintance."

When the police arrive they assume that Richard and/or Pamela have murdered Bertie by pushing him out of the window. They only have one pair of handcuffs, so they handcuff the pair together.

"Hey, look," shouts the resourceful Pamela, "that chappie in the apartment opposite just lit up a reefer!"

The police run off to catch the dope fiend, and Richard and Pamela, still stark naked and handcuffed together run downstairs, steal the police car and drive off.

"Where shall we go?" asks Pamela.

"Let's head for Scotland," suggests Hannay.

But little do they know that Bertie was the head of a criminal organisation called The Thirty Nine Steps that will pursue them even more ruthlessly than the police.

I, CONFESS

Father Michael William Logan is a young Catholic priest working in Quebec. He is good friends with Otto Kellar, the church caretaker.

Each day Father Michael hears the confessions of his flock. The confessional is a very private place, and everything that Father Michael hears there must be held in the strictest confidence.

One day, Father Michael takes a confession which is every priest's worst nightmare.

His friend Otto Keller enters the confessional.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," he begins.

"What has been troubling your conscience, my son?" queries Father Michael.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this..." begins Otto hesitantly.

"You can tell me," Father Michael assures him. "We are all sinners in the eyes of the Lord, but he takes pity upon us."

"Are you sure it's O.K.?" Otto seems doubtful.

"Yes, I'm sure it's O.K. Just spit it out, there are others waiting," Father Michael tells him impatiently.

"Well," says Otto. And then follows that up with the four words that every priest fears more than any other. "I'm fucking your mom."