Getting to the Bottom of It All

Manifesto

If there is a cause worth standing for it is that of liberating the bottom. It has been sat upon for too long. Is it any wonder that the word "bum" is used to describe both the gluteus maximus and also those who have fallen to the lowest level of our society.

There are those who would try to excuse the lowly position of the bottom on biological determinism. After all, they will tell you, the bottom inherited the shitty end of  the digestive tract. One could only wish that the minds of such individuals were as broad as their backsides.

Bottoms are wearied neither by oppression nor derision. No matter how much abuse they may be subjected to, they cannot help but remain their cheeky selves.

The spanking of bottoms has long been a traditional punishment, which is somewhat peculiar when it is considered that it is rarely the bottom that has committed the offence. The brain is most often the source of evil doings, but the other end of the anatomy become the scapegoat.

Soft and warm and joyously wobbly, like love itself, the bottom will have its day. As it has borne, so shall it be bared. As the tides of the ocean are subject to the power of the moon, so shall the tides of social change by pushed by another kind of moon. If someone would oppress you, bare to them your nether cheeks.

Scribbler's Muse

Enid's bottom deserves to be showered with praise. You can see much more of here at Girls Out West.

Tinto Brass

Tinto Brass is the auteur of the derriere. While his most famous movie is Caligula (1979), the films which truly express his unique personality are his lower-budgeted erotic films, in which he fetishises women's bottoms to the same degree that Russ Meyer celebrated bosoms.

He is famous for saying that, while women often lie, their bottoms always tell the truth.

Frivolous Lola (1998) (aka Monella)

The gorgeous Anna Ammirati stars in this romp set in the countryside of 1950's Italy. Young baker Masetto (Max Parodi) is having trouble persuading his flirtatious fiancé that they should wait until marriage to have sex. If he won't give her what she wants, she just may find it elsewhere. Maybe even with her mother's debauched lover André (Patrick Mower), if only she could be sure he isn't her real father.

This film is full of life and colour. Whether bicycling madly, skirt flying and panties flashing at passing priests, causing Masetto to burn his loaves, or jiving with soldiers to juke box records, Lola is the very personification of joy de vivre. And much comedy comes from watching everyone else have to deal with the anarchy she spreads. But watch out for the theme song. You'll never get it out of your head.

Anna Ammirati

Pinup

Looks like Cupid has scored a direct hit on one of actress, pinup model and singer Jolee Blon's most attractive features. Check out her website for more.

New eBook : The Erotic Adventures of Rubby the Robot and Other Smutty Sci-Fi Stories

My latest ebook is just hot off the epresses! It contains four stories from this blog all neatly formatted for convenient reading on the ereader of your choice.

The stories are :

The Erotic Adventures of Rubby the Robot (comprising the two parts - Lust in Space and A Spacecraft Named Desire.

Rubby is a pleasure unit specially designed to give erotic massages to the all-female crew of the deep space exploration ship Nostradamus. But will there be a happy ending for Rubby?

A Weird Science Tale

The fate of the world hangs on a game of strip pinball in this slice of naughty nostalgia set in the 1950s.

Rollerbonk (formerly known as Skate)

In the future sex will be outlawed, but there will be Rollerbonk!

The Sex Signal

Music becomes the food of lust when a hit song causes people all over the world to lose all sexual inhibitions.

At the moment it is only available from Smashwords. 

And, as always, its free!

Book Review : Giggles, Grins and 'Gasms by Nikki Palmer

I'm always looking for writers with a playful, humorous approach to erotica. That's the kind of stories I like to write, but it is also what I like to read. So I am glad that I've happened upon Nikki Palmer. She doesn't only write humorous erotic, she writes a lot of more serious stories too, but anyone who likes my stories should definitely read her collection Giggles, Grins and 'Gasms which brings together six of her more light-hearted stories.



I really love this book! To me sexy stories are sexier when they are funny and playful. Nikki Palmer certainly delivers some erotically described sexual encounters, but the sexiest thing about these short stories is the cheeky nature of their heroines and anti-heroines. Two of the lead characters are nasty pieces of work, but by the end of their stories I'd developed a soft spot in my heart even for them. And I fell almost instantly in love with the other four female protagonists who either pursue their particular erotic desires with cheerful enthusiasm or surrender themselves to an ultimately rapturous sexual experience with a kind of wide-eyed innocence.


Nikki Palmer has a way of softening this reader's heart while stiffening his...err, resolve to seek out more of her writing.


The Stories


Rose and the Alien

Comedy based around aliens taking what humans say too literally is nothing new, but this story still made me laugh. And, perhaps more importantly, I found it very sexy, not because of the alien - who is pretty unemotional about the idea of having sex with a human - but because of Rose's dedication to pursuing her own pleasure untroubled by the unconventional nature of the satisfier of her needs. And the story has a plot twist which had me practically clapping my hands in glee.


Kara the Slave

This is not at all a believable story. Kara supposedly acts out of fear and yet seems happy and relaxed about her situation. But that's part of the fun of the story. It's like a cartoon. And the predictability of the resolution doesn't matter for the same reason. It's implausibility does nothing to take away from the sexiness of Kara's all-too-willing exercise in submission.


Brenda the Bitch

There are lots of spanking stories but they are always more fun when the spankee really deserves to be paddled and that is the case with this story. Brenda really is obnoxious. Her come-uppance is satisfying and very, very sexy. But in the end she's kind of loveable because her uninhibited bitchiness is just going to require so much punishment.


Buttcrack Betty

I've always had a thing for the sight of a little female buttcrack so I was bound to be intrigued by this story. It's a imaginative story about a girl with a fixation on plumbers, an uninhibitedly sexy little romance.


Naked Natalie

This was the first of Nikki Palmer's stories which I read before buying this collection. How can anyone not love a heroine who just loves being naked and is amused by the response of guys to whom she opens her front door that way? Natalie is mischief personified.


Wham Bam Thank You, Pam!

Pam is not a very pleasant person. It's funny and satisfying to see her struggle to get what she normally takes for granted. But, in the end, I found her indefatigable selfishness kind of endearing. And the story provided a scenario I've since found myself playing back in my head as a fantasy - something which is a sure sign that an erotic story has done what it is intended to do.


You can find this ebook at Smashwords or Barnes & Noble. You'll also find most of the stories as individual ebooks.

New E-Book : Inappropriate Behaviour and Other Stories

Having made the decision to make all of my ebooks free, I put the final touches on a collection of my short stories which has been in the works for a while. 

It shares a similar title to a previous compilation of mine which is now out-of-print. I was too fond of the title not to re-use it. But some of the stories in the previous volume are no longer in it as I think they will fit better elsewhere. And there is a whole bunch of new stories to take their place. 

This book includes the first short story I ever wrote - My Flatmate. A lot of the early stories were written especially to amuse specific lady friends or as fan stories dedicated to amateur porn stars of the web. The more recent stories will be familiar to long-time blog followers having been posted here as entries in various writing challenges. These include some of my craziest creations, such as Black Fawn (a parody of the movie Black Swan) andWanda's Wet Dream Diary in which a woman psychiatrist has a series of strange dreams including one in which she is a Playboy Playmate who comes to life and causes trouble for the married man trying to have a wank over her without his wife finding out. 

You can download your free copy now from Smashwords : 

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/127...

Enjoy! And if you like it, don't forget to recommend it to your friends. If you don't like it, recommend it to your enemies!

World Domination : The Aussiescribbler Strategy

I've been doing some thinking about ebook publishing.

Here is the situation in which I find myself :

1. I've published 9 ebooks, of which 5 have always been free.

2. My most downloaded ebook is the free Lusting While Dusting. It has been downloaded 5245 times since I published it on 8th of November.

3. I've only sold 8 or 9 ebooks altogether. My account balance at Smashwords is $10.18.

So I asked myself : What do you want out of this ebook business? And my answer was : Self-expression and the fun of reaching an audience, building up a fan base maybe and getting to read reviews and ratings of my work, plus, if I could make enough money to buy some of the DVDs, BluRays, books and ebooks I want but can't always afford, that would also be a plus.

Achieving the first few things is facilitated by making my ebooks free, as I've learned from the five which were always free.

The objective of making a bit of money is problematic. At the moment my sales are next to non-existent, and the potential for sales may be limited by the fact that my approach to erotica is unconventional. Write a story about a cheerleader seducing her bondage-obsessed stepfather and sales are almost guaranteed. Write a story about a Guinness Book of Records official fucking the woman with the world's longest pubes and getting knotted to her at the genitals, and, in spite of the novelty value, its a harder sell.

Secondly, even if I do make enough money to justify a PayPal payment from Smashwords, the way things are set up at the moment, if I don't go to enormous trouble to get an exemption, a large slice of the money will go to pay U.S. taxes, and after that I'll have to declare any income and pay Australian taxes on that. I'm no Tea Party supporter. I am happy to pay taxes, but, as a relatively low income earner, I already pay plenty of tax, without having whatever little I might make from my ebooks disappear into government coffers.

So, I've decided to give away all of my ebooks for free.

It's Food for Thought (Photo from Girls Out West)

This will help me to achieve my main objectives. And, when it comes to any commercial value in my writing, it is a declaration of faith. While my stories are eccentric and thus not likely to appeal to the broadest of audiences, I think they have a uniqueness and sense of humour which makes a sizeable cult audience a strong possibility. If I thought my stories were no good, maybe I would put on a flashy cover, pick a salacious title and say to myself, "Well, once they've bought it, it will be too late to get their money back." But I don't want money from people who don't like my stories. If I am going to have customers, I only want happy customers.

Now achieving a cult following first of all requires visibility. Many an aspiring filmmaker who posts their work on YouTube understands this. There's plenty of time to make money off your reputation once you have one. And luckily the cost of publishing an ebook is slight - 2 or 3 dollars maybe for a copyright free image for the cover and your away.

When I told some of my friends that I was not going to charge for my self-help book How to Be Free, they said that I was undervaluing my writing. In that case my main aim was to offer what I hoped would be useful information to people who might be suffering in ways which I once did. At this point it would not have reached 3821 people if I had charged for it.

At the same time I do recognise that it is only fair for any of us to be recompensed for our efforts. So I've been thinking about the example set by software designers who make their programs available as shareware. Often they say, "You don't have to pay, but, if you like and use our product and would like to show your appreciation, you can do so by..." So, I'm thinking I might set myself up with a wish list on Amazon, I don't have one at the moment, but if I were to have a list which includes items ranging from 99c ebooks to BluRays, then, if someone reads the stories I am offering to them as a gift, and thinks that that gift is a valued one (which will, of course, be dependent entirely on whether they get enjoyment from my writing), they have the option to respond with a gift in return. If nobody choses to do so I won't be disappointed, but the main thing is that I'm not cutting off the possibility of being recompensed for any joy which my writing may inspire.

At the moment, all of my ebooks are free at Smashwords. It may take some time for this change to passed on to the listings at Barnes & Noble, I-Tunes, Sony, etc. :

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/Aussiescribbler

For 2 Weeks from Today You Can Get Bitten for Free!

As a special bonus for followers of this blog, you can use the coupon code HY82M to get a free copy of my re-vamped (geddit?) edition of the Transylvanian Roulette ebook from Smashwords. As well as the titular vampire parody, of which I have only posted a brief excerpt here on the blog, the book contains two of my horror-themed Twitterotica stories - A Man of Many Parts (called Bolt here) and Voodoo (called Pin here).

If you like the stories, or any of the other ebooks on my Smashwords page, some of them always free, please leave a comment and star rating.

Book Review : CFNM Princess by Cassie Caine

CFNM stands for Clothed Female Nude Male. It is a popular fetish in which women enjoy the power of being clothed while a man or men around them are naked and the men enjoy being treated as sex objects by the women who feel emboldened and disinhibited by their power advantage.

This fetish seems to be particularly popular in Britain. Many of the most popular CFNM porn sites on the net are British. And, apparently, CFNM parties are quite popular there too.

Cassie Caine is a British photographer who specialises in the male nude. And she also writes CFNM stories.

CFNM Princess is the tale of Michelle, a budding photographer who feels there is a buzz missing from her sex life until, one day at a party, a man loses a bet and has to parade around nude in front of everyone. She photographs this event and starts to discover a special excitement as she finds him getting aroused by her attention. From here their relationship develops as each uncovers a previously undreamt of aspect of their nature.

This novel does go to some places that I would not want to go in reality, such as :

Pegging - a man being fucked up the ass by a woman wearing a strap-on

One's erection being used as a perch by a sharp-clawed macaw

But I don't mind reading about these things. I like horror stories as much as the next person. Seriously though it is a credit to the author that she can get the reader so wrapped up in the story and so on-side with the heroine that it doesn't matter if she sometimes goes beyond one's comfort zone.

On the other hand there are some scenes in this book which I found a tremendous turn-on. What makes it particularly appealing is the enthusiasm of our cheeky heroine as she takes full advantage of her adoring male victim.

Cassie Caine has another book out called CFNM Goddess. I look forward to checking that one out soon.

These books are available from Smashwords.

Cassie Caine also has a blog.

Not surprising that guys wanted to get their gear off for Ms. Caine!

Book Review : Forum Rejects - Rejected Erotic Letters by Tom Nardone

Forum Rejects is a collection of letters which Tom Nardone wrote to Penthouse magazine. He decided that it would be funny to write deliberately bad erotic letters and see what happened. Would they be accepted as curiosities? Would they be rejected? It was the literary equivalent of making prank phone calls. But with a prank phone call you know how it has been received. Nardone never found out how his letters were received. He never received any feedback. But now he has dug out those old letters and put them out in ebook form. So we can all share the fun and laughs that may or may not have been brought to the editors of Penthouse by Nardone's special brand of humour.

The book (which is available for free from Smashwords) contains ten letters, all ostensibly written by different characters - 1 woman and 9 men. Each takes a different approach to the idea of the unerotic "erotic letter", from sexual incompetence to gross out to insane forms of description. My favourite is the second letter Louise at the Circus :

"In the 80's I thought that the curve of my television screen was about as curved as Louise's stomach. This was handy because I rented a lot of porn movies and whenever they zoomed in on the woman stomach I felt the curve of the screen and the stomach matched really well. It would get me very hot. I'll never get one of those flat TV's. I don't care if the resolution is better."

"Her breast weren't like fat elephants at all. The skin was much smoother than I imagined. It was like they were made from two half bowling balls but they were the consistency of jell-o. I massaged those jell-o semispherical bowling balls while Louise moaned like a broken vacuum cleaner."

 That letter had me laughing so hard I practically choked, and the rest are nearly as funny.

Book Review : Naked Adventures (Naked Collection #1) by Kendall Swan

This bumper collection of erotic stories by Kendall Swan centres around her "naked" series - titles such as  Naked Housecleaning, Naked Cheerleader, Naked Robot, etc., but it also contains a generous assortment of her other stories, including some short realistic vignettes and some wild excursions into science fiction and the world of vampires.

The great strength of her writing is simplicity and directness. She takes you straight into the experiences and thoughts of her characters with very little time spent on setting scenes or giving detailed descriptions. Never-the-less she conjures up deliciously erotic images and sensations with great economy.

Her best stories, which include Naked Housekeeping, Naked Slumber Party and Naked Robot, are incredibly sexy because of the way they convey the excitement of a character caught up in a unfamiliar erotic adventure which opens up previously unforeseen possibilities.

While the stories may vary in their eroticism, all are interesting in some way, with the science fiction and vampire stories consisting of brief incidents which manage to sketch out a larger context in just a few details and imaginatively explore such issues as post-Apocalyptic sexual politics and interspecies sexual encounters in outer space.

Many of these stories have been made available previously in smaller collections, but this is the best way to get plenty of Kendall Swan bang for your buck.

You can buy it, in various formats, from Smashwords.

A Chubby Card Sharp : A Sunday Snog

Victoria Blisse has created a new institution know as the Sunday Snog. You can find out more about it (and find links to other contributions) at her blog. Basically, the idea is to post a kissing extract from one of your stories (or perhaps write a new one for the occasion.) Today's snog is an extract from my short story Strip Poker With Tina which you can find in my first ebook Inappropriate Behaviour and Other Stories.


A Chubby Card Sharp

This was the first time I had met Tina "in the flesh" (an appropriate term as she has a lot of it), but we had been chatting on the net for over a year.

There was something incredibly erotic about knowing, as I shut my front door behind us, that I could touch her anywhere, take off all of her clothes right there, do anything I wanted with her, with none of the usual preliminaries. We had cum a hundred times together as we chatted on the net. We were old wanking buddies. Now we were going to live out what we had only talked about then. My cock grew stiff in my pants just thinking about the fun we were going to have over the next few days.

We could have just torn off each others clothes and fucked right there on the floor, but I had a feeling that it would be more fun for both of us, if we took it slowly, revelled in the experience of being able to play together at last. But first I wanted to make it clear to Tina that I knew that she was mine and that I was hers. I grabbed her big soft arse, covered by her long red skirt which fell to her ankles, and pulled her hard into me making sure she could feel my stiff cock against her belly. Our mouths met hungrily, opening to let our tongues play together wetly.

"Whose got a stiff cock, then?" Tina asked, playfully, going to unzip my jeans.

"Now, now," I said, pushing her hands away. "There'll be plenty of time for that."

"Awww," Tina pouted. "I've imagined sucking your cock so many times, and now you won't let me see it."

"All in good time, Tina," I told her, "you young girls are too impatient. When you get to my age you realise that pleasures should be savoured as they are soon over at the best of times. Rush through life at the speed you want to go at and you'll have nothing left to look forward to by the time you get past 25."

Tina wasn't listening to my lecture, she was too busy looking around my humble abode.

"Hey, here's your computer," she cried, excitedly. "So that's were you sit and play with yourself while I tell you all about how wet my pussy is and how much I want to suck you off. I kind of expected it to be covered in crusty layers of dried cum, considering how much wanking you do when you're online. I always imagine your cock spurting like a hose pipe when you cum."

"You may be a little disappointed in the reality then," I warned her.

"You mean you don't have a twelve inch cock that's as big around as my wrist and covers the ceiling every time you cum?" she asked.

"You've got some imagination," I told her, "I have to give you that."

"Don't worry, David," she said. "I won't be disappointed. It's your dirty mind that attracts me, not the size of your willy."

"Well, that's reassuring," I admitted.

"But it doesn't mean that I don't want to see you naked," she explained. "You've got way too many clothes on." She brushed her hand gently down my cheek and pressed her warm, soft lips briefly against mine.

"Well," I said, "if you want me to strip you are going to have to use some means of persuasion."

"How about a game of strip poker?" she suggested.

"And if I get my fellow player to strip, I get to poke her?" I asked.

"Oh, you'll get to poke her, anyway," she assured me. "Don't you worry about that."

"The only problem is that I don't know how to play poker," I pointed out.

"That's O.K.," she replied. "I'll teach you."

I never knew that Poker was such a complicated game, but Tina was a good teacher. And incredibly lucky it seemed. In half an hour she had me down to my jeans and underpants. She hadn't had to take off anything.

"But isn't this hand that I have now a Full House, just like you had when you made me take off my left sock?" I asked.

"Yes, but I have a 3 of clubs in my hand. You didn't have a 3 of clubs when I had my Full House. If anyone has a 3 of clubs in their hand that means that the hands are swapped. So now I have a Full House and you have to take off your jeans," she explained patiently.

"Oh, all right," I replied, undoing my belt, unzipping my jeans and pulling them down and off of my legs. My stiff cock was threatening to poke out of my underpants at any stage.

"Mmmm, nice stiffy," Tina complimented me.

"Royal Flush," declared Tina proudly on her next turn.

"Ah, hah," I replied, proud of myself for at last starting to get the hang of the game, "but now I have the 3 of clubs, so your Royal Flush reverts to me. Right?"

"Well," said Tina hesitantly. "it would if it were anything but a Royal Flush. The Royal Flush is what we call a boomerang hand. In the presence of a 3 of clubs it returns to the person who first held it."

"Damn!" I said, looking down at the garment that was only barely covering my decency.

"It's Showtime!" Tina crowed triumphantly.

Rude Health

Carolina from Girls Out West demonstrates some Pilates

"We can help you lose a few inches!" How often have we heard that? Almost as often as, "We can help you gain a few inches!"

Working out and getting fit is often presented as the way to make ourselves sexy. The only problem is that a lot of pain has to come before the gain. And there is something puritanistic about this mortification of the too too flabby flesh.

But perhaps the process might be sexy in itself. When Olivia Newton-John sang Let's Get Physical she was suggesting something more than what Richard Simmons has to offer. Gyms are places where men and women wear skimpy or tight-fitting clothing, moving their bodies around and sweating a lot. There can be something sexy in all this.

Then there is massage. Even when it isn't just a code word for the old rub and tug, it can still be a very sensual experience.

If you are attracted to your own sex, what better place than the communal showers at the gym to check them out?

And the supposed health benefits of nudism should not be forgotten. Lots and lots of Vitamin D from all that sun on skin exposure, plus endless games of volleyball.

Long before the establishment of Playboy in 1953, guys were jacking off to Health & Efficiency, the British nudist magazine founded in 1900. I'm not sure what the "Efficiency" bit refers to. Perhaps the fact that you can save so much time in the morning if you don't have to get dressed.

Television's Trinny and Susannah go nudist

Although getting fit is always on my "to do" list for tomorrow if not the day after, I have explored some of its sexy possibilities in a couple of my stories.

In Chapter Nine of my novel Vanessa's Island (soon to be available as an e-book), our would-be reclusive artist hero David reads aloud from a lesbian fantasy story written by his lover Vanessa :

At first it seemed a bit strange to be reading aloud a story written in the first person by a woman. But somehow, knowing that Vanessa had written the story, I found it a tremendous turn-on. It was as if I was not just possessing her body from the outside as I had already, but from the inside. When she played with her body or the bodies of other women in the story it was with my hands. When she saw them it was with my eyes.

"'I run a health club for women only'," I began. "'Alot of women would rather work-out away from the lustful eyes of men. What the women who frequent my establishment didn't know up until recently, is that they were still being lusted after as they worked out. Only by a woman. Me.

"'Oh, I've had boyfriends and lived a normal life. My passion for women was secret until recently, but it was the deciding factor in my career choice. The sight of women working out has always been a turn-on for me. Not that I like tight hardbodies, not at all. But most of the women who come to work out are not like that. They think they could afford to lose a few pounds. I like them just as they are. And in the showers I get to see every inch of them.

"'Of course, I used to have to be careful to make sure they didn't notice me looking at them. Now all that has changed. This is the story of how it happened.

"'It all began with Samantha. Samantha was five foot ten, a brunette, with the breasts and ass of a swimsuit model. Watching her work-out in her tightly stretched leotards got me so worked up that I often had to go and get changed in the middle of a session lest she or any of my other customers notice the wet patch forming in my crotch. They must have thought I suffered from some form of obssessive compulsive disorder, but it was better than letting them find out that I lusted after their bodies.

"'I remember the first day that Samantha joined our aerobics class. How my heart beat hard at the prospect of seeing her naked. I always showered with the clients. Under the shower no-one could tell how wet the sight of their naked bodies made me.

"'At last that first session ended and I followed Samantha into the shower room, my eyes rivetted to her gently rolling ass encased as it was in sweat-soaked lycra. Slowly she peeled of the lycra and I tried not to stare too obviously as her soft pale breasts with their small pink nipples sprang free. Then she pulled her leotard down further, having to wriggle to get it over the swelling, snow-white cheeks of her bottom.'

By this stage my stiff cock was crying out for some attention. I grabbed Vanessa's hand and pushed her soft palm against it.

"Hey," she cried, "there aren't any cocks in this story. This is girl's only."

"But I need it," I pleaded. "I need to use both hands to keep my place with the pages."

"Oh, all right," she agreed, slowly beginning to wank my stiff dick. "You can be hiding in the towel bin, sneaking peeks at us girlies in the shower and jerking yourself off. O.K. Just think how the towels that surround your naked, masturbating body were used to wipe off every part of our bodies, our boobs, our bottoms and particularly our sweet little pussies."

I couldn't hold out any longer. Pleasure coursed through my body as Vanessa's soft hand coaxed spurt after spurt of hot cum out of my cock. It splattered all over the front of her leotards.

"If you think I'm going to take off my leotards just because you've shot your load all over them, you've got another thing coming," Vanessa informed me with a pout. She wiped up some of my cum on her finger and then sucked on it playfully. "Now on with the story."

"'I could stand to loose a little bit off of my butt,' she laughed [that was Samantha, wasn't it], giving me an excuse to look.

"'Couldn't we all,' I replied, frustrated that I couldn't tell her what I really thought.

"'I quickly stripped off my own leotard and laid it down carefully in such a way that the sopping crotch was not visible. Then I joined the rest of the ladies in the shower. I was so tempted to take up a position next to Samantha, but I thought that if I did I might not be able to resist the temptation to reach out and touch her soft, wet, soapy skin.

The soapy bottom of Anna from Girls Out West

 "'One by one, the girls stepped out, dried themselves, got dressed and left. Samantha was one of the last to go. When I was alone, I did what I always did. I played with myself. I played back everything in my mind, especially Samantha stripping out of her sweaty leotard, while I slid two soapy fingers in and out of my juiced up pussy.

"'This routine continued for several weeks, until that fateful day when Samantha left her car keys in her locker.

"'On that day, as always, I stayed under the shower, after the others had gone, and imagined what I would like to do with Samantha. I imagined undressing her slowly from her sensible business suit, kissing her nipples, kissing her lips, the ones on her face and the ones between her legs. I imagined her in her leotards. How they stretched across that luscious ass.

"'As I fantasized I let my hands wander sensuously and soapily across my body. The fingers of one hand gently tweaked my hard nipples, while my other hand slid slowly down over my stomach and through my pubes into my waiting pussy. I slid one finger in on either side of my sensitive clit. I love that sensation. My fingers glided across my stiffening clit, while also giving me that satisfying sensation of being filled. Only it wasn't some guy's cock filling me, but Samantha's long and versatile tongue.

"'I felt that delicious warmth glowing in my belly as I slowly sank to my knees, feeling the spray of the shower carressing every inch of my skin. I had been dying to do this all the time I had been watching Samantha and the other girls work-out. I loved playing with myself. But if only I could play with them. Give them the pleasure I was giving myself.

"'"For this next exercise," I said, speaking aloud in the heat of my fantasy, "I want you all to strip naked for me, so that I can lick out your pussies one by one. You first, Samantha."

"'My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when Samantha's voice answered me casually.

"'"Sounds good to me," she said, and I looked up to see that she was standing there in her grey business suit watching me blatantly finger-fuck myself.'"

And in How Meggie Made Me Hard (one of the 13 stories contained in my e-book Inappropriate Behavior and Other Stories), Meggie decides to take on the role of personal trainer to an out of condition delivery man, but her motives are decidedly self-indulgent :

I was a bit of a slob until Meggie took me in hand. Took me in hand. There I go again, whenever I think about Meggie my mind turns to sex.

It all started when I delivered her exercise equipment. When I pushed the buzzer on the door it was answered by an attractive woman in her late 40’s with curly reddish brown hair and a sweet slightly shy smile. She was wearing a light blue summer dress.

“Bring it all in,” she said, seeing the truck and realising that her equipment had arrived. “I’ll show you where to put it.

Normally I get the smaller things to deliver as I’m not very fit. As I carried Meggie’s walking machine through the door I panted and wheezed.

“I can see you don’t keep yourself in shape,” Meggie commented patting me on my beer belly as I went past. I thought it was rather forward of her.

I brought in the excercise bike and the ab-roller, then I was finished.

It was a hot day and I was tired and sweaty. Meggie offered me a cold drink. I accepted.

“Pew! You stink,” she said, proving once more that tactfulness was not her stong suit. “You’d better have a shower before you go.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” I asked. “I could do with freshening up a little.”

“Go ahead,” she replied, “the bathroom is that way.”

Once I got to the bathroom, I shut the door and stripped off my sweaty t-shirt. I unzipped my jeans and pulled them off. When I was naked I turned on the shower and stepped in. Because it was such a hot day I left the water on lukewarm.

I was just enjoying the feel of the refreshing water running over my body and beginning to apply soap to me face, when the door opened. Quickly, I rinsed the soap off of my face. I mustn’t have been too thorough because my eyes stung as I opened them just in time to see Meggie opening the shower door.

“What do you think you are doing?” I asked. “Can’t a guy have a bit of privacy?”

Meggie smiled so sweetly that I couldn’t help but forgive her instantly. “I just wanted to see if you were really as out of shape as you looked with your clothes on,” she explained.

She reached out her right hand and brought it up against my belly, just inches above the spot where my hands were clasped protectively over my cock.

“You could stand to lose a bit of that,” she said.

“I know, I know,” I replied. “Now let me shower in peace.”

“You don’t have to be so shy,” Meggie chided me, pushing my hands gently away from my prick. “If I let you use my shower, the least you could do is give me a look at your cock. I like looking at guys’ cocks. Mmmmm, I don’t think you really mind me looking, otherwise it wouldn’t be swelling up like that.”

She was right. I loved the idea of having a sexy woman like herself looking at my nude body with undisguised lust. I had only tried to hide my cock in the first place because it seemed the polite thing to do. How was I to know that politeness was not high on Meggie’s list of priorities.

“I could really do something with that body of yours,” Meggie mused, deep in thought. “Oh, wow! Look how your cock jumped when I said that. You thought I meant sex, didn’t you? No, I mean if you let me be your personal trainer I could really whip you into shape. If you got yourself into shape, then a little sex might not be out of the question.”

In my mind I imagined taking Meggie right away, right there, just lifting up her dress, pulling down her panties and slipping my prick into her sweet pussy.

“Oh, dear, now I’ve really made your cock go stiff,” she said, teasingly. “I think you’d better pull yourself off. Then you’ll feel much more relaxed.”

“What, with you standing there watching?” I asked, in disbelief.

“I can tell you don’t mind the idea,” replied Meggie with a smile.  “If your dick gets any harder it’s going to burst. Come on let’s see how a naughty boy likes to stroke his stiff dick in the shower.”

That was it. There was no point resisting. I grabbed my rock-hard prick in my soapy right-hand and began to wank myself off. My soapy hand slid up and down my cock as I watched Meggie watching me. There was a twinkle in those sexy brown eyes of hers as she watched me masturbate.

“Feel good, honey?” she asked looking me in the eyes briefly before returning her attention to my slippery stiff cock.

“You bet,” I sighed.

“Would it give you a bit of inspiration if I let you see how wet my panties are getting?” she asked, lifting her skirt and leaning back with her legs spread so that I could see the spreading patch of wetness on her pale pink knickers. She gently teased the area through the wet material with the tip of the index finger of her right hand.”

To feel my hot, hard cock in my hand, and to know that the sight of it was making her drip pussy juice into her fresh clean panties, sent me over the edge. My cock jerked in my hand and spurted a shower of hot cum across the bathroom floor.

“Yeah!” cried Meggie, dropping her skirt and clapping her hands.

*    *    *

“Now these are the rules,” said Meggie, “if you want me to be your personal trainer.

“’1. You have to come over at 7.00 ever night and stay until 10.00.

“’2. You have to do anything that I tell you to without question.

“’3. As soon as you arrive you have to take off all of your clothes and remain completely naked  until it is time for you to go. (This has nothing to do with the effectiveness of the workout, you understand. It’s just my reward for helping you.)

“’4. You are not allowed to touch me in any way. That is your reward when you have achieved our goal.

“Sound O.K.?” she asked.

“I suppose so,” I said. “How will you be dressed?”

“I’ll start off the way I am, but if you do well, I’ll gradually wear less, is that a deal?” she asked. “I reckon you need to lose about ten inches from around that waist of yours. Let’s say that by the time you have lost two inches, I’ll be totally nude. Then while you lose those last eight inches you will have a bare-bottomed, hairy-pussied, bouncing-boobed totally naked trainer giving you the encouragement you need. But still no touching until you lose those other eight inches.”

“Oh, God,” I sighed, rubbing the crotch of my jeans, where my cock was once more making his presence felt.

“Don’t worry,” Meggie assured me, “you  can have as many masturbation breaks as you want. And if I’m feeling really horny I might just join in.”

Check out Inappropriate Behavior for the rest of the story.

Book Review

Confessions from a Health Farm by Timothy Lea

Back in my very first post on this blog I briefly discussed the Confessions series of books and films. These were an institution in Britain (as well as Australia) back in the Seventies.

Author Christopher Wood, who would later write the screenplays (and novelizations) for two James Bond films - The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker, wrote a novel called Confessions of a Window Cleaner in 1971. The hero, a loveable rogue and bungler by the name of Timothy Lea, related his picaresque adventures in the window cleaning trade in the first person, and Wood hid his identity behind that of his fictional hero by giving Lea the author credit. Many more books were to follow in which Timmy took on jobs ranging from travelling salesman to private soldier to icecream man. He even spent time in jail and as a member of a committee investigating the pornography trade in Confessions from the Clink. Whatever occupation he was pursuing it would always lead to a multitude of sexual encounters, many of them ending disastrously with angry husbands chasing him down the street in the nude or sexually aggressive women ganging up on him and fucking him within an inch of his life.

In 1974 Confessions of a Window Cleaner was made into a movie starring Robin Askwith as Timmy Lea. It was the top-grossing British film of the year and spawned three sequels, based loosely on other books in the series.

The appeal of these books is perhaps limited by two factors which, I'm sure, endear them to fans. Lea uses loads of colloquial expressions, some presumably of his own invention, others traditional Cockney rhyming slang, to tell his story. To those who are used to these kinds of expressions, e.g. a beak is a judge, a Hampton (i.e. Hampton Wick, i.e. dick) is a penis, etc., this adds to the amusement, but others may feel that they are reading something approaching Clockwork Orange when it comes to mysterious forms of expression. There is, however, something amusing about a book in which the hero plunges his "action man kit" into a girl's "spasm chasm". The other aspect which might alienate some modern readers is the political incorrectness of Lea's world view. One can look on it as a satire of that world view a la 'Til Death Us Do Part or All in the Family, but there are no doubt some who will fail to warm to a character who refers to women as "bints" and black women as "jungle bunnies" and says that the subservience of Japanese women is almost appealing enough to make up for the buck teeth one would no doubt have if Japanese. (And in the distaff Confessions series which Wood wrote under the pseudonym of Rosie Dixon most the humour revolves around farcical ways for Rosie to get raped or molested.) For some of us, however, this kind of bad taste has its own appeal, and the fact that Timmy usually ends up being the butt of the joke keeps it from being mean-spirited.

While these novels are no great works of literature, and are seriously dated by all sorts of 1970s cultural and political references, when it comes to creating hilariously farcical situations, Wood sometimes recalls even such masters of the form as P.G. Wodehouse and Tom Sharpe. Only sometimes mind you. There are also lots of cheap gags and run-of-the-mill bedroom capers. But the books are always a quick fun read.

Confessions from a Health Farm (1974) was the tenth in the series. As with all the other books it begins with a scheme cooked up by Timmy's brother-in-law Sid. Having recently had a lucky escape from managing one of the world's worst rock bands (Confessions from the Pop Scene), he has now decided to start up a health farm. A certain massage therapist by the name of Wanda Zonker has incriminating photos of Lord Baulkit, thus allowing her to persuade him to let her convert his country seat Long Hall into Beauty Manor, a luxurious health farm. The manor is full of secret passageways and spy holes. The horny Lady Baulkit shows Timmy around and also shows him a good time. Then Sid tries to prove that he is fitter than Timmy by challenging him to a pentathlon on Clapham Common during which both cheat shamelessly and also get in trouble with the police. Timmy has to go undercover at Bosky Dell Health Clinic to see how these organisations are run. There he has an erotic encounter with the insatiable Mrs. Chalfont and is so hungry due to the minimal diet that he is reduced to eating dog food. When he gets back to Beauty Manor he finds himself at the centre of various anarchic adventures involving sex in the sauna, overly-energetic Japanese nude masseuses and a mud-machine full of horse manure that breaks loose and runs rampant through the establishment. And everything comes to climax with a visit by Omar Gord and his fellow oil sheiks.

This is neither the best nor the worst of the series. But it is a fun romp. If it has any particular weakness it is that Wood seems to have decided to really run the rhyming slang into the ground. I love this stuff, but a sentence like "She has a large Mahatma Gandhi to pull herself together and though I fancy a pint of apple fritter I have to settle for Gunga Din because there is not an Aristotle of pig's ear in the Mickey Mouse" is too much even for me!

Pornetry

What is Pornetry? It is poetry which makes a pulse pound in your pussy or penis. And it is the subject of today's post.

Book Review

Living Libido Loco by Annie Player is a collection of 19 outrageously erotic poems. Often I'm impressed by a poet's creation of images and clever use of language, but it is only occasionally that I read a poem which makes me pop a boner. But Annie's poems slide so easily from the softly sensual and teasingly playful to the deliriously dirty that reading them is like being made love to, especially as she has a habit of addressing the reader directly. Now when she says something like "My lips sweep past your belly And curl over your dick," I'm not sure if it will have as much of an effect on a woman reader as a male reader, but, even when she writes about girl on girl action, I find the uninhibited sense of joy with which she celebrates the pleasures of the flesh intensely erotic. In fact, perhaps my favourite of all of the poems of hers which I've read is her Wank Wednesday contribution Default which is all girl on girl. In fact it is Annie on a hundred girls!

The book is divided into three sections : Sweetness, Choked and Food Play. Sweetness contains seductive descriptions of more conventional sexual encounters. Choked is a collection of very dark poems full of anger and blood. I wasn't as keen on these, but they are still a very exciting read because of the powerful imagery and emotional rawness. And the book is closed out with some of Annie's most deliciously playful poems all about smearing food all over one's lover and licking it off in Food Play.

Here is a sample from the Food Play section of the book :

The Circle of Love

The mess,

The stench

Wrenched deep up inside,

Drenched

Wench

Suggests it's dinner time;

Ravished,

You savagely

Chomp at my bit,

I love it,

You rub it

In disgust round my clit

And you lick

And you lap,

Your lips noisily smack

Together

You sever

The base and you hack

Through toppings

And pop in

Your tongue to lick out

The sauce

And enforce

My pussy to pout.

Annie also has a book out devoted to her darker poems called Gash. I'm looking forward to reading that, but I thought that Living Libido Loco being the more playful book would be the most appropriate to review here.

Whatever you do make sure to follow Annie on her blog where you will be able to read her latest ribald rhymes and keep up to all the other exciting things she is involved with.

A Poem

I should include something by myself here. While most of my erotic stories are very silly, for some reason, on the couple of occasions when I've tried writing a poem, I've been in serious mode. But, this is my blog, so I suppose I can post something which isn't funny if I want to.

Maxine writes erotic poetry and also posed for Girls Out West in 2006

Your Invisible Lover

I am with you when you masturbate

When your fingers tease your stiff nipples

They become my fingers

When your slick fingers slide over your stiff clit

That is the pre-cum-slippery head of my cock

The soft sheets of your bed that caress your back as you writhe

They are my arms and my hands sliding down your sweaty back to caress your bottom

I am your invisible lover

I am with you when you are naked

You are my stripper, my centrefold, my wank-fantasy

I love your body as it is

Your nude body is your gift of yourself to me

I will teach you to love every curve and crease

We will explore it together and learn the marvels of its ways

Feel my eyes caress your nudity, drinking in the pleasure of the real you

I am your invisible lover

I am with you in the bath

The warm embrace of the water against your skin

That is me holding you close

When you spread yourself wide with your soapy fingers

I am the warmth that flows into the depths of your sex

To ease away the pressures of a hard day, you tenderly caress yourself

But really it is me massaging the shampoo through your hair, stroking your slippery skin

I am your invisible lover

I am with you when you dress yourself

The softness of your panties as you draw them up your legs

Is the touch of my hands on your skin

As they encase the softness of your bottom and the warmth of your pussy

I feel the delights of your most intimate regions

All day long, it is not your bra but my hands that cup your breasts

The feel of your clothes against your skin as you go about your daily life is my caress

I am your invisible lover

I am closer to you than you are to yourself

There is nothing about you that I do not know

You can have no secrets from me

And yet you need none, for there is nothing about you that I do not love

I know the things you don't want anyone to know

But I also know many things about you that you do not know yourself

Beneath the humdrum struggle of your life, I see the fire that burns like the brightest star

I am your invisible lover

Blog Based Bards

Maxine likes to keep abreast of the erotic poetry scene

Here are some more purveyor's of poetic pleasure. I'm limiting myself to those whose blogs are mainly devoted to poetry. There are many others I know who write the occasional poem. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone. But, please, if you have any poetry on your blog or website, or you know someone else who does, please feel free to post a link in the comments.

Madame Sweetcheeks

Madame Sweetcheeks is a prolific creator of sweet, sassy, flirty poems. She knows how to put her readers in a naughty mood with saucy suggestions rather than all-out raunch.

Fridayam's Blog

Fridayam has two blogs. This is his poetry blog. Only a few of the poems are erotic ones, but in his other poems he expresses an original vision which is often very beautiful. For his exclusively erotic work, much of it prose, go to Fridayam's Erotica.

Pornetry

Pornetry creates poems entirely assembled from the subject lines of spam emails. William Burroughs would have been proud.

Getting more exposure for poets is what it is all about

Limericks

I love a funny dirty limerick. Often the ones that make me laugh the most involving guys doing rude things with animals, but I'll show unaccustomed good taste and post here some I've found on the net which are not quite that perverse :

There was an old man of Dundee

Who came home as drunk as could be.

He wound up the clock

With the end of his cock,

And buggered his wife with the key

There was a young girl named McCall

Whose cunt was exceedingly small,

But the size of her anus

Was something quite heinous -

It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

There once was a man from Australia

Who painted his ass like a dahlia

The color was fine

And the likeness, sublime

But the aroma, now that was a failure.

A much nicer ass than that of the man from Australia

There once was a hooker named Sue,

Who filled her vagina with glue

When they paid to get in,

She said with a grin,

You must pay to get out of it too!

For more try these links : Daily Dirty Limerick, More (Dirty) Limericks, Limericks, Limericks.

It's goodnight from me and it's goodnight from Maxine