Time to Fold : Wank Wednesday

Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #paper. To find out more about this writing challenge and to find the links to the other stories check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

Time to Fold

Journal of Eccentric Sporting Tournaments (JEST), October 2011

An Interview with Sam Kensington, World Champion in the Art of Freestyle Erotogami (The Ancient Japanese Art of Sexually Explicit Paper Folding), 1970-75.

JEST : Paper folding isn't a physically demanding sport, so why retire in your mid-sixties?

Sam Kensington : That's where you'd be wrong. Sure it doesn't take strength, but it takes precision. And the truth is that I haven't folded paper publicly since I lost the championship to my future wife in Tokyo in 1975.

JEST : But you have continued to be active in the sport as tactical support for your wife.

Sam Kensington : Exactly. So my decision to bow out is really her decision to bow out. She's retiring to concentrate on composing boogie concertos for the theremin. And I have no interest in working with any other folders.

JEST : Tell us how you did end up losing your title.

Sam Kensington : It was by default actually. An injury took me out of the competition.

JEST : An injury?

Sam Kensington : Yes, a rather nasty paper cut. Mildred beat out the rest of the competition. But let it be known that I have no doubt she would have beaten me. It was her first year of competition and she was, and has always been, a genius when it comes to making paper penises. My specialty, of course, was vaginas. And it was a conflict on this very issue which constituted our first intercourse. Verbal intercourse, of course.

JEST : She was not keen on your vaginas?

Sam Kensington : Well she thought they were too easy. 'Sam,' she said to me, 'it just won't do. That's just a salt cellar with one of the corner's bent over.' 'That's the clitoris,' I explained, 'and the two sides are the labia.' 'But the clitoris is in the wrong place and the whole thing is split two ways,' she insisted. 'Vagina's aren't.' 'Well,' I replied. 'It looks more like a vagina than it looks like a salt cellar.' 'Well, they never really did look like salt cellars, did they?' she agreed. 'I'm not sure where that came from.'

JEST : She specialised in penises?

Sam Kensington : That's right. All kinds of penises - flaccid, erect, circumcised - she could make them out of a single piece of paper. 'Sam,' she insisted, 'my penises don't come easy. Sometimes I have to work on them all day long.' I had to admit that they did make my vaginas look kind of wet by comparison.

JEST : And out of this argument over the relative artistic value of masculine vs. feminine paper genitalia sprang true love?

Sam Kensington : If our story had been a Hollywood movie, they would have described it as a "meet cute" beginning.

JEST : But you had a secret up your sleeve, even if you were out of the competition.

Sam Kensington : That's right. Of course the sensible thing would have been to keep it to myself and use it to win the next year. My secret was that I was not planning on making a vagina in the competition. The year before I'd made a secret trip to Hokkaido to meet with a Zen monk who knew the secret of single sheet copulation. It seems impossible, but it isn't. If you know the secret you can create a couple fucking doggy-style from a single uncut sheet of paper. Not only that but, when you pull on the sides of the figure, the man's penis goes in and out of her vagina and her eyes open wide each time this happens.

JEST : We wouldn't believe it if we hadn't seen it ourselves. But what convinced you to team up with Mildred Hatrack and let her take the honour of presenting single sheet copulation at the 1976 competition in New York?

Sam Kensington : Well, I had to admire her folding ability. But it was my admiration for something else which really brought us together. Mildred was one hot potato back then. Hell, she still is. Dress is kind of conservative in the world of paper folding, but it was pretty obvious there were some serious curves hidden beneath all those clothes. I didn't think I'd get a chance to find out though as the organisers of these contests are very conservative and discourage any fraternisation in the hotel rooms. We were staying an a very old-fashioned hotel in the middle of Tokyo. It was so old-fashioned in fact that it had traditional paper walls between the guest's rooms. When I noticed Mildred going into the room next to mine, I decided to do something very reckless, something of which I would be very ashamed if it hadn't been for the fact that it was a part of the process which led to my marriage.

JEST : What was it that you did?

Sam Kensington : I cut a small hole in the paper wall so that I could watch Mildred getting undressed. What I didn't realise was that a bright blue staring eye is pretty obvious when it is all that is breaking up an expanse of white paper and some brown wooden slats. She was onto me from the very start. But she'd taken a shine to me and she was also a bit of an exhibitionist on the quiet. So she pretended not to notice me watching her as she slowly undressed. I myself was already naked. And as she shed her clothes, I had to push my penis back firmly between my legs so that I could continue to stand close to the wall as it stiffened. It wasn't comfortable, but drinking in every detail of Mildred's gorgeous pale and curvy body was my main concern. Soon she was completely starkers, her big round boobs swinging loosely, her pink nipples erect and the gentle curve of her belly and thighs perfectly framing her hairy snatch. But she was determined to put on a show I could never forget, so no sooner was she naked than she lay back on her futon and began vigorously masturbating. That was my undoing.

JEST : That's when you fell in love with her?

Sam Kensington : No, that's when my stiff prick shot from between my thighs and ripped a huge hole through the paper wall.

JEST : How did she react to that?

Sam Kensington : She leapt to her feet, ran across the room and grabbed hold of my dick with both hands. 'Now I've got you, you little pervert!' she cried, but she couldn't stop herself from giggling. At first I wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't going to let go of my dick. I pulled back, but she held on for dear life. Then it occurred to me that I might as well take advantage of the situation.

JEST : How did you do that?

Sam Kensington : After I'd pulled my dick back as far as I could, I pushed it forward again. The loose skin was held tightly in her warm soft hands, but I could push it in and out, and derive quite some pleasure from doing so. 'Are you trying to get me to wank you off?' she asked. 'As long as you keep hanging on to me like that,' I replied, 'I don't see that you have a choice.' The next thing I knew I felt something stiff and wet rubbing around the head of my dick while she tugged on it. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's the folded over bit on my salt cellar,' she chuckled. Well, it wasn't long before my cum was hanging off her pubes like tinsel on a Christmas tree. I know because she showed me through the big cum soaked hole that now acted as a window between our rooms. So that is how our relationship began. After that we decided to team up. She would do the folding and I would travel the globe looking for the most arcane and remarkable of folding techniques.

The End

The Pubic Record : Wank Wednesday

Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #tangle. For more information on this writing challenge, and to find links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

The Pubic Record

I've been working for the Guinness Book of Records for ten years now. Every workday I travel around watching people eat a massive number of hotdogs or build a ten foot high house with playing cards, or else I'm counting their collection of vintage Coca Cola bottle caps. But I never thought I'd end up in the record books myself. This is how it happened.

I received a call from a woman who said she thought she had broken a record. But she wouldn't tell me what the record was over the phone. She said I wouldn't take her seriously unless I saw it for myself.

"What the hell?" I thought. I get paid whether the record is a legitimate one or not. I'm just the verifier.

When I knocked on the door it was opened by a pretty little redhead in her mid thirties. She was just my kind of lady, plump with big titties. She was wearing denim shorts and a pink t-shirt that said "I'm a bad, bad girl." She greeted me with a cheeky smile.

"I'm glad you decided to come," she said. "My name is Denise. You won't be disappointed."

"I'm sure I won't," I replied, looking at the way the letters on her t-shirt were stretched out of shape by her  round boobs.

I'd brought my full bag of measuring implements as I wasn't sure what I was going to be verifying. I put it down on a chair in the kitchen when she offered me a cold can of soda out of the fridge.

"Well, I better show you, I suppose," she shrugged as I sipped on the cool drink.

Before I knew what was happening, she unzipped her shorts and pulled them and her panties down over her plump legs.

I was so taken aback that I sat down on my instrument bag. There was a loud crunch as many of the instruments it contained broke beneath me.

"I've been cultivating my pubic hair for several years now," Denise told me. "It isn't easy. You have to cut off just enough to encourage it to keep growing."

I'd never seen anything like it. It looked like Billy Connolly had just poked his head out of her cunt.

"I must admit I'm very impressed," I informed her. As she tugged nervously at her pubic jungle, I could see the pink slit beneath. Her pussy lips were wet and glistening. Exposing herself to me was turning her on. Her display was having a similar effect on me. The pith helmeted explorer in my pants was pressing against my fly in his urgency to uncover the secrets hidden within that wilderness.

"I think I have the longest pubes in the world," she declared.

"Let me get out my ruler and we'll see if we can confirm that," I suggested, standing up and looking into my bag. "Damn, I broke my ruler!" I cried, picking up the two separate pieces. "You wouldn't have a ruler, or a tape measure? I usually have a tape measure myself, but an elephant crushed it after I tried to measure his penis."

"Oh, dear," she said. "I hope you haven't come here for nothing." Then she turned around and bent over, looking into a cupboard under the sink. Her bare bum was big and soft and wobbly and it was all I could do to resist the temptation to go over and slap it playfully. I'm sure she didn't really need to wriggle it back and forth like that as she looked for a measuring implement. "I'm afraid I don't have anything," she sighed finally.

"Wait a minute," I replied. "I think I know what we can do." I moved the bag off of the chair and sat down to take off my shoes.

"Yes?" she asked, coming over and standing very close to me, so that her pubes were tickling my arm.

"My cock is exactly six inches long when erect," I informed her. "A peculiarity which I never thought would come in handy."

"And is your cock erect now?" she smiled saucily.

I stood up and dropped my trousers and boxer shorts.

"Oh, I see that it is," she nodded.

"Do you really think that a gorgeous woman like yourself can flash her juicy scarlet-tressed cunt at me without causing me to become rampantly aroused?" I asked.

"You think I'm gorgeous?" she queried with a big grin.

"Believe me," I replied. "I'm finding it very hard to remain professional at the moment in your intoxicating presence."

"So how are we going to do this measuring?" she asked, a little breathlessly.

"Perhaps if we go into your bedroom," I suggested. "You can lay down on the bed and spread your legs. We'll stretch your pubes out as far as they will go, and I'll measure them with my cock."

"That sounds like a plan," she agreed, leading the way, her big bum jiggling around in front of me in a way that made me groan with suppressed lust.

Once we were in the bedroom, Denise jumped onto the bed, rolled onto her back and spread her legs.

"O.K. Let's get started," I said, grabbing a bunch of her fiery wiry hairs and trying to find the longest ones. Once I'd done that I stretched them out onto the bedspread as far as they would go. Damn, there was Denise's pink pouting wet pussy staring me in the face. Her juices were leaking onto the bedspread.

Rosie from Girls Out West

"Measure me, Mr. Inspector," she grinned.

Once I had the ends of the longest strands of pussy hair, I reached around under my arse to hold them there and then lay down so that the length of my stiff cock lay along the hair. One cock. I held that spot with my fingers. Two cocks. At three cocks, the head of my measuring implement was smearing pre-cum all over Denise's stiff clit.

"Mmmmmmmm, that feels divine," she sighed.

"Eighteen inches," I told her, my voice quivering a little. "I'm sure that's a record."

"Would it be unprofessional of you to slide that lovely stiff cock of yours deep into my record-breakingly hairy pussy?" she asked, biting her lip.

"That would be very unprofessional of me," I informed her. "Fucking your juicy hot wet pussy, while grabbing fistfuls of your big beautiful ass would be terribly unprofessional. As unprofessional as pulling  off your one remaining garment so that I can suck on your mouthwatering tits."

"I wouldn't want to ask you to do anything unprofessional," she said sadly as my cock continued to tease her clit. "But perhaps you could give the new record holder a tiny kiss of congratulation."

"I think that would be acceptable," I agreed, moving up to give her a peck on the lips.

"Whoops!" she cried. "Somebody's naughty prick has slipped right up inside my greedy little pussy."

"Let's just call it a workplace accident," I groaned as I grabbed her big soft ass cheeks and slammed my modestly proportioned pecker in and out of her hairy love nest.

Denise pulled off her t-shirt as I furiously fucked her.

"Play with my boobies! Play with my boobies!" she cried. I jiggled them and squeezed them, and when I gently pinched her nipples she squealed in delight.

She was wriggling around ecstatically beneath me as I ground myself into her, pushing my cock as deep into her pussy as it would go.

"I'm cumming!" she screamed, and I could feel her juices washing over my bouncing balls.

"Oh, God!" I shouted as I spurted several jets of hot jism in her steamy depths.

"That was awesome," she grinned as I began to pull away.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" we screamed in unison. All that grinding had turned our intermingled tangle of pubic hair into a net of knots. We were tied together at the crotch.

We tried to pull ourselves apart, but it was too painful. If we could get a pair of scissors we could cut ourselves apart, but that would mean getting up off of the bed and we couldn't coordinate ourselves to do that without also causing pain. If there were a mobile nearby we could have called 911. But there wasn't.

"I've got a flat mate," Denise explained. "But she is travelling at the moment. She won't get back until Thursday."

We were stuck together like that for 125 hours. When Denise's flatmate cut us apart on Thursday, we were seriously dehydrated and very hungry. We had fucked a total of 51 times.

That's how I ended up in the Guinness Book of World Records as holder (along with Denise) of the record for the longest instance of coitus non interruptus.

The End