Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.
Inspired by a book I once read called A Dark and Stormy Night : A Collection of the Worst Fiction Ever Written compiled by Scott Rice, for which authors competed to write the worst opening line for a novel, I thought I would do something similar using recent Wank Wednesday and Fuck Me Friday prompt words. The initiators of these writing challenges post these prompts on Twitter and various erotica authors write stories inspired by them, post them on their blogs and then link back to the host page and Twitter. The contributions have all been of a very high quality. So I thought it was time to lower the tone.
Tide
The angry red vaginal rash told Laura the laundrette attendant that it had been a mistake to use Tide washing liquid as an impromptu lubricant.
Tide Laundry Liquid
Rush
"Just relax. There's no rush," said the sex therapist. But, once again, Nigel came before he'd even got his pants down.
Bolt
"This will teach you to get fresh," said Dorothy, as she unscrewed the bolt that held on the Tin Man's penis.
The Tin Man
Wind
Mad Mick laughed hysterically as a gob of his spunk flew out of Filthy Philomena's cunt and hit the bedpost with a splat, blown there by the wild wind of one of her famous fanny farts.
Tilt
Niagaras of nauseating puke ran down over Pervy Pete's hair and face. He loved to stand underneath the Tilt-o-Whirl to look up girl's skirts, but his current predicament was one he had failed to foresee.
A Tilt-o-Whirl
Seat
Gladys wished that her husband would put down the toilet seat after he'd been in there having a wank.
Shield
Old Mrs. Grindle tried to shield the eyes of her niece from the sight of the flasher's tiny wizened penis and massive pendulous balls.
A Flasher
Dusk
"If Hollywood can do reboots then why shouldn't I?" asked Stephenie Meyer as she sat at her computer dressed only in a skimpy negligee and typed out the title of her new novel - D...U...S...K.
Skate
Noreen had hygiene problems. Nobody would go down on her because her pussy smelled like a three week old skate.
Once again it is time to return to the wonderful world of wobbly bits and say "Thanks for the mammaries!"
A Joke
There is a new brand of bra for the well-endowed ladies. It's called the Sheepdog. It doesn't lift or separate. It just rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
A Chinese Inflatable Bra Commercial
The Chinese have the answer for those who are less naturally well-endowed.
Booby Star - No. 3 - Busty Brown
Donna Mae "Busty" Brown was a very popular American pinup model of the fifties who also starred in many nudie cutie loops. Little seems to be known about her, but she has plenty of fans, not just for her amazing physique, but also for her manic mugging. Nudie cutie loops were generally silent and so they required the same kind of ability to communicate through gestures and facial expressions that was required of the stars of the silent movies of the 20s.
As the webmaster at The Big Breast Archive says her talent was the ability to look "as mad as badgers" in any number of different poses.
For more on Busty (and loads of other booby beauties) check out The Boobpedia.
You can find loads of Busty's loops on such Something Weird Videos series as Big Bust Loops, Superboobs, Nudie Cuties and Glamour, Panties and Pasties. Some are even available for instant download. They also have a sex ed movie called Mated (1952) in which she appears nursing a baby.
A 39-year-old tutor with lovely large breasts notices that her 19-year-old student Kevin can't stop staring at them, so she decides the only way to get him to focus on his work is to let him have a feel.
The word "boob" has three meanings in English - 1. the mammary gland 2. a mistake 3. a stupid person. This is strange as boobs (taking the first definition), are the direct opposite of a mistake or something stupid. They are perfectly formed to feed the next generation and they are also perfectly formed to inspire the act that leads to that next generation. If there were anything which could perfectly symbolise everything that is comforting and pleasurable in life it would be the boob.
So here is my first instalment in what may be an endless series of tributes to the wonder of boobs.
Vanessa's Island
Here is a short extract from my novel Vanessa's Island, which I'm hoping to publish shortly as an ebook :
"If you can catch me, you can strip me," she explained. "And when you've stripped me, I'll give you that boob-job I promised you the other day." With that she ran out the door and down to the beach. I wasn't far behind.
There is something about a little competition that adds spice to sex. Everyone knows where that game of Strip Poker is going to end up, but the process is exciting in itself. After all anticipation is most of the fun in any pleasurable activity, and sex is no different.
I knew that eventually Vanessa's soft white breasts would be stroking my hard cock, but would it happen within the first ten minutes or would it take until sundown.
In the end it was nearly sundown, when Vanessa took pity on me and ended our game of chasy by accidentally on purpose tripping herself up and falling lengthways in the sand.
"What are you doing?" she cried, as I rolled her over and unbuttoned her jeans.
"I'm taking your clothes off," I explained. "I want to see your boobs, your bottom and your hairy, pink-lipped pussy."
"But you can't do that," she protested. "I mean I like you and everything, but no man has ever seen me naked."
"I'm pulling down the zip of your jeans, my fingers are only millimetres from your hairy pussy," I said, drawing out the drama. "Soon I will see it all."
"Oh, David, this is so embarrassing," Vanessa whimpered as I dragged her jeans down her long legs.
"Nice panties," I said, leeringly.
"Thank you," she said, pathetically, "but please let me keep them on." She held them up tight on either side appearing not to notice that this allowed pubes to poke out on either side of the tightly stretched and steadily dampening gusset.
While her hands were holding up the edges I lay the side of my face on her tummy and lifted the front of her panties so that I could see the forest of red pubes inside.
"David, stop looking down my panties," she protested clapping her hands over them.
In a flash I grabbed them by the edges and yanked them down her legs and off over her feet. Her hands were still covering her pussy and her legs clamped together tightly.
"Are you sure you don't want to show David your pussy?" I asked. "I don't think you're as innocent as you pretend. I don't think your hands are between your legs to stop me from seeing your pussy. I think naughty Nessa is playing with herself again. Let me count your fingers. Thumb, two, three, four, five. One hand. Lift it off. Second hand. Thumb, two, three, four. Where is Nessa's other finger."
"In her pussy, diddling with her clit," she confessed spreading her legs wide apart. "Mind if I finish myself off while we catch our breath."
"You know I can never get enough of watching you play with yourself," I said. "It's almost as much fun for me as it is for you."
"It couldn't possibly be," Vanessa moaned, rolling her eyes to comic effect. "I'm just thinking about the lovely slow boob job I'm about to give you. I love giving boob jobs, especially if I get to give a little lick on the up stroke." She licked her upper lip suggestively.
"Lick what?" I asked with mock innocence.
"The tip of your stiff cock, you wanker," she spat out, her face twisted in orgasm.
"Wow, that was good," she sighed pulling her t-shirt over her head. "So, David, is your dick ready to go to Heaven."
"You bet," I replied enthusiastically.
"All right," she said, placing her hand in the middle of my chest and pushing me gently down onto the sand. "Just lay back and relax and enjoy."
She cupped one of her magnificent breasts in each hand and pushed them together while giving me a warm-hearted cheeky smile.
"Look good?" she asked.
"Oh, yeah," I sighed.
Slowly she released her breasts and let them swing free as she lowered them onto my crotch. I felt the soft warmth engulf my stiff dick. Then she gathered them in her hands again and pushed them together around me. Her skin felt incredibly soft as it caressed my sensitive hardness. Slowly she began to move up and down. When my cock reached the level of her chin, she stuck out her tongue cheekily and licked the end of it.
Then she began to sing softly:
"Rock-a-bye David between Nessa's boobs,
Her boobs are so soft, your dick is so hard,
If she licks you again, your dick it will spurt,
Covering Nessie, boobies and all"
This little nursery rhyme proved prophetic enough. No sooner had her tongue touched the end of my cock once more that I coated it prolifically with spurt after spurt of my hot cum.
"Am I good or what?" she asked, after wiping the excess jism off of her lips with the back of her hand.
"Wow," I sighed.
Booby Star No. 1 - Jennifer Tilly
This is my first in a series of profiles on sexy women with notable boobs. I'll include stars of the movies - mainstream, exploitation and porn - as well as website girls, and maybe some celebrities in other fields of endeavour. While boobs of all sizes are sexy, as long as they are natural (boobs that don't change shape when a woman removes her bra or have scars on them reminiscent of a Frankenstein movie are kind of scary), the natural tendency when writing about women's boobs is to concentrate on the larger ones. Nobody writes books about the world's shortest, easiest to climb, mountains do they?
Jennifer Tilly was born Jennifer E. Chan on 16 September 1958 in Harbor City, California. She is known for her voluptuous figure, her squeaky voice and her talent as both a serious and comic actor.
Films to check out :
Bound (1996)
A crime thriller by the Wachowski brothers who would become famous with their next movie The Matrix (1999). In this film she has some very hot lesbian scenes with Gina Gershon.
Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2000)
In this under-appreciated drama about strippers, directed and co-written by Michael Radford (Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984)), Jennifer (along with co-stars Daryl Hannah and Sandra Oh) performs several striptease routines, though the highlight of the movie is her heated response to an expectant mother who tells her off for smoking in the waiting room when she is waiting to see the doctor about getting an abortion :
You think you're the only person with reproductive organs. I'm gonna have this fucking baby. I'm gonna have this baby and my baby is gonna sell drugs to your baby on the playground. Do you know that? You fucking bitch.
Seed of Chucky (2004)
In 1998 Jennifer played the killer doll Tiffany, Chucky's girlfriend, in Bride of Chucky (1998). She returned to that roll in the sequel Seed of Chucky, but this time she was also playing herself in a self-referential horror comedy reminiscent of Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994). With John Waters cameoing as a paparazzo, a title sequence involving an animated cum shot and Jennifer showing great good humour by allowing herself to be the butt (and what a cute butt it is!) of many fat jokes, this movie is loads of fun.
Boob Book No. 1
Devon Cream by Aishling Morgan
Aishling Morgan is a very prolific author of playfully perverse erotic novels. Devon Cream is the tale of Octavia Challacombe and her corruption by the wicked Maray family. The action centres around the recruiting of busty maidens to offer up their udders in a human milk dairy. It was the first of a trilogy - the other two titles being Peaches and Cream and Cream Tease.
Prices for the original paperback of this book at Amazon dealers range from $52.49 to $688.88 (for a water-damaged copy!!!!!). I wish I'd kept mine. But the good news is that it is available in Kindle form for a more reasonable $7.30.
You could paint my nob tartan and call it Throb Roy.
Timothy Lea from Confessions from a Nudist Camp (1976)
This one was never made into a film unfortunately.
A Joke
A young man comes into a bar and orders 12 shots of whisky. He lines them up on the bar and begins throwing back one after another.
"Wow!" says the bartender.
"I just had my first blow job," the young man announces proudly.
"Well, no wonder you're celebrating," replies the bartender with a smile.
"It's not that," replies the youth. "I just want to get the taste out of my mouth."
French Maids
Everything is better with French maids, so following on from my last post, here is a lesson in on-line bartering from French Maid TV :
What Else I'm Reading
The title story of this collection by Kendall Swan tells the story of Serena, a teenager who uses the pretext of a slumber party with her mom in the next room as a cover for her friend Ashley to sneak off and have a hot time with her boyfriend. But when their plans go awry and they all end up in Serena's bedroom things really heat up for all three. This story is playful, raunchy and very, very erotic. I hope there's a sequel.
Naked Slumber Party by Kendall Swan at Smashwords.
