Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Showing posts with label YouTube. Show all posts
Showing posts with label YouTube. Show all posts

Friday, April 15, 2011

Anita the Collector - Part 2 (+ Big Women Pics & Videos)

For the first part of this story, go here.

Anita the Collector - Part 2


As I walked through the door, Anita pinched my butt.

“Mmmmmmmmm. Another lamb to the slaughter,” she smiled, her voice quivering with anticipation of future delights.

The first thing I saw when I entered the massive room behind the door was a 70 inch plasma television screen filled with the image of a woman’s lips sliding up and down on a man’s cock. Two naked men were sitting on a sofa watching the movie. Each had a can of beer in one hand and his own cock in the other.

“I love to see a guy jacking off,” sighed Anita, watching with a Cheshire Cat grin as the pair stroked their stiff cocks.

“Nice television,” I said.

“Yes,” she replied. “And we have an extensive library of porn. Just let me know if we don’t have a title you want and I’ll order it in.”

“So the mail still gets delivered to the house?” I asked.

“Oh, yes,” she informed me. “The post office stopped sending mailmen after three failed to return. But now they send women. Some of the guys tried to persuade me to invite them in, but I’m not running a charity, I’m running a man harem.”

I looked around the room. There were naked guys everywhere. A couple were riding exercise bikes. Two where playing ping pong. Another pair were shooting pool. Some where reading. Many were drinking and there were snacks laid out on the tables.

Anita walked over to the couch. The two guys moved further apart and she sat between them.

“Good movie?” she asked.

“Not bad,” said the guy on the right.

Anita reached out and knocked the guys hands off of their cocks and replaced them with her own.

“Oh, Anita, you’re the best,” sighed the guy on the left.

“They love it when I wank them off,” she chuckled. “And I love it when I wank them off too. Nothing like the feel of a stiff hot cock in my fist, and its so delicious when the cum shoots out and runs down my fingers.”

The two guys lost interest in what was going on on the screen. Each leaned down and took one of Anita’s nipples in his mouth and began to suck on it hungrily.

“Ain’t anybody gonna suck my pussy?” she enquired.

A muscly dude, who had been lifting weights, put them down, walked over to the couch and dropped down between Anita’s spread thighs, burrowing his face under her big belly and began slurping away noisily.

“Oh, my. Ain’t life grand?” asked Anita, rhetorically. “Feel free to explore. I’ll rejoin you as soon as we’ve all cum.”

I entered another smaller lounge room where  a bunch of guys were watching a football match on another large television.

Then there was a shower room much like that in a sporting facility - just a huge tiled room with showerheads sprouting from the walls.

I walked back through the main lounge to explore the other side of the complex. The muscleman was no longer licking Anita’s pussy. Now he was standing up and she was sucking his cock.

As I walked past the two guys on either side grunted simulateously as a fountain of jism spurted out of each of their cocks, splattering their chest and belly and running down over Anita’s hands.

As I walked into the massive kitchen and dining area, complete with long tressel tables, Anita came up behind me. She was smearing cum from her hands all over her massive breasts.

“I don’t like them to cum in my mouth,” she informed me, “but it’s good for the skin.”

“So what’s the secret?” I asked her.

“The secret?”

“Why do the guys stay here?”

“I would have thought that was obvious,” she replied.

“Apart from your charm,” I chided her.

“They have everything they want,” she explained. “They don’t have to work. They can drink. Wack off to porn. The food’s good. And they can fuck me whenever they want. Well, almost whenever they want. Sometimes there is a queue.”

“And that’s enough to cut off contact with family and friends?” I wanted to know.

“How many people get on with their family?” she countered. “And if they miss their male friends, they just invite them to join.”

“What about wives and girlfriends?” I asked.

“Modesty forbids that I make any comments about choosing between myself and any other woman,” she demured.

She showed me all of the exotic food ingredients stored in her pantry.

“Once again, the shops will deliver, but no more of those cute pimply delivery boys. Just the women now,” she explained.

Next we entered the bedroom, perhaps the most unusual room in the house.

“This is an invention of my own,” Anita pointed out. “I call it the musical bed.”

She was pointing at a massive bed shaped like a life preserver but approximately 30 feet in diameter. At one point there was an indentation about two feet deep and four feet across.

“It plays music?” I queried.

“No,” she replied. “I call it a musical bed because of that saying that people who sleep around are playing ‘musical beds’. The way it works is that I lay here.” She pointed at the indentation. And eleven men lay around the rest of the matress. When I want some lovin’, I pull the guy on the right on top of me. Then, when he cums, everyone rolls along one space and he rolls off, being replaced by the next guy on the right. And so everyone keeps moving until the first guy is back again, by which time he’s rested enough to be ready to fuck me again. And we keep going until I fall asleep.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed.

“I can be a restless sleeper though,” Anita admitted. “So if I wake up in the middle of the night feeling horny, I just pull on the first guy’s cock and start the process all over again.”



Then she showed me around the backyard where there was a huge swimming pool. Another fifteen guys were swimming or sunning themselves by the side of the pool.

“Ah, here are Craig and Gareth,” she said, pointing to two very pale youths, one skinny and the other rotund, who were sitting on the edge of the pool. “They’re my Mormons. I’ll leave you to have a chat with them while I go make a cup of coffee. Do you want one?”

“Sure,” I replied, and watched Anita’s huge bum wobble deliciously back into the house.

“You’re new here, aren’t you?” Gareth asked, looking me up and down.

“Yes. Just arrived. So why did you two stay here?” I wanted to know. I sat down beside them and splashed my feet in the cool water of the pool.

“Well, you know that parable about the mustard seed?” responded Craig.

“I think I remember it,” I said.

“We went from door to door trying to persuade people of the wisdom of loving their fellow man,” he explained. “But most people just didn’t want to know. Then we knocked on Miss Anita’s door and we found someone who really does love her fellow man.”

“She sure does,” agreed Gareth. “So we decided it made more sense to support her efforts to make the world a better place, than to keep pestering people and, thereby, making it a worse place.”

“And you’ve never had any doubts?” I queried. “Never even considered leaving?”

“No,” he replied.

“The church repossessed our bikes,” added Craig.

“And Anita destroyed our clothes,” Gareth put in.

“Only to liberate thus though.”

“Yeah, only to liberate us.”

“Those two aren’t telling tales about me, are they?” queried Anita, as she returned with the coffees.

“To believe these fellows, you are a veritable saint,” I told her.

“St. Anita of the Holy Handjob perhaps?” she chuckled. “Hey you boys need to keep putting on that sunscreen. You’ll be red as lobsters by the end of the day otherwise. And don’t forget your cocks.”

“Why don’t you do us?” asked Gareth.

“Of course,” replied Anita, squeezing out the sunscreen and smearing it over the lads’ chests and backs. “But you know my favourite way of coating your cocks, don’t you?”

“You bet,” cried Craig enthusiastically.

Anita stood up and turned around. Then she bent over and shoved the mouth of the suncreen container up her arse and squeezed hard. When she pulled it out there was white creamy liquid dripping down her  legs.

“Who’s going to be first?” she asked, spreading her butt cheeks wide apart.

“Me! Me!” cried Gareth, pushing Craig out of the way. Both of their cocks were rock hard. As was mine.

Gareth leapt forward and with an ecstatic sigh sank his prick deep into Anita’s sunscreen-filled arsehole.

“MMMmmmm,” sighed Anita. “Nothing says ‘love’ like a penis poking your poop chute.”

Gareth reached around and played with Anita’s clit as he slapped his thighs against her massive arse.

“Give the other guys a chance,” she said. “We don’t want anyone getting a sunburnt willy.”

So Gareth stepped aside and Craig slid his stiff prick home. Meanwhile Gareth grabbed his own slippery cock and wanked off until he spurted his cream over Anita’s thigh.

“All my boy’s love to wank,” giggled Anita, as Craig continued to fuck her butt.

Then it was my turn. Craig stepped aside and I felt the warm flesh of her wet slippery butthole close around my rock hard length.

“Come on Dirty Bert!” cried Anita. “I want to feel you spurt!”

Craig and I came simultaneously. He over Anita’s belly and me up her bum.

Just then there was a ring on the doorbell.

“That’ll be the new maid,” Anita informed me, as she wiped off the residue of our lust.

I followed her back into the house.

To be continued...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jeepers Creepers, Get A Load of These Peepers!

We get the term Peeping Tom from a certain tailor who defied Lady Godiva's request that nobody observe her naked ride through Coventry. For drilling a hole and peeking at her nakedness he was supposedly struck blind.

But before and since many a desperate individual peeked in a window hoping to catch a glimpse of a bit of nudity or sexual activity. Generally they were not struck blind, but some, no doubt, were arrested.

Today, television and the internet not only make it possible for us to be voyeurs without paying such a price but, in the case of shows like Big Brother, we might feel positively anti-social if we don't join in on the peeping.

There are many websites where individuals provide spy cams in various parts of their house. Viewing these gives one a newfound respect for more traditional peepers. You can sit there for hours watching an empty room, or somebody sleeping, or, if you are really lucky, checking their emails while fully clothed. In these days when Michael Bay movies and video games have infected us all with Attention Deficit Disorder, the Peeping Tom still retains the virtue of patience, able to stay crouched in an uncomfortable position for hours on the slight hope of catching a glimpse of a bare butt.

In public we all put on something of a false front. The creep peeping into your bedroom window, however, wants to see the real you, he (or she) will not be satisfied with the PG version. The peeper is a perfect model of tolerance and open-mindnesses. Don't trouble yourself about the possibility that your nudity or your behaviour might offend.

So here is my celebration of peepers, in stories, pictures and films. Expect reviews of peeper-related movies to follow.


Peeping Tam by Evangeline Love


Peeping Tam is a free ebook available from Smashwords. Natalie is bored with her latest boyfriend Greg. Little does she know that her neighbour Tam has a crush on her. Or that Tam's bedroom window looks into her own. Tam knows it is wrong to watch Natalie fucking, but she can't help herself. This is a fun little story with a very sexy payoff. I look forward to reading more from Evangeline Love.


Baxter! (1973) (dir. Lionel Jeffries) is a movie which had a big impact on me when I was young. It tells the story of a young American boy with a speech defect. Roger Baxter (Scott Jacoby) can't say his R's. So when he says his own name it comes out as "Woger". He has just moved to England with his mother, who has little time for him. So he makes friends with his neighbours, Roger (Jean-Pierre Cassel) and Chris (Britt Ekland), and a girl who lives across from him, Nemo Newman (Sally Thomsett, who went on to fame as the blonde in Man About the House). A speech therapist, Dr. Roberta Clemm (Patricial Neal) helps Roger with his speech problems and ends up going beyond the call of duty when he suffers a nervous breakdown. It's a film which captures the joy as well as the sadness of life during adolescence, and really deserves to be released on DVD. This video shows one of my favourite scenes in the film in which Roger gets peeked at.



Vanessa's Island

Vanessa's Island is my major work, a novel, almost completed, most of which I wrote back in the 90s. I'm planning to publish it as an ebook sometime later this year. In the meantime, here is a peeking-related extract.


It was no good. I just couldn't get her out of my mind.

I was back on the other side of the island where I lived in a small cottage over-looking the beach. I had my easel set up on a slight rise that gave me a perfect view of the sea and the beach and the rich green vegetation that covered the island from the edge of the beach to its central rocky outcrop which rose to about 20 metres above sea-level behind me.

I was trying to paint, but it was no use. The large rocks that gave the beach its character, round and smooth from thousands of years of tidal erosion, became soft round buttocks. The clouds that hung in a deep blue sky became milky white breasts. And the bushes became...well, bushes.

Could an alcoholic concentrate on his work if he knew that there was an ice cold beer in the lunchroom refrigerator? I rest my case.

There was nothing for it but to pay Vanessa a visit. Maybe if I saw enough of her I would get bored and be able to return to my work. Desensitisation therapy I think they call it.

Now if you really think I believed this crap that I was telling myself then you're a bigger fool than I think you thought that I thought that I was. I think.

No, visiting Vanessa was not going to return my shattered peace of mind, but it would probably give me a hard-on and I was willing to accept that as second best.

The island was not a large one, so it only took about 20 minutes of trudging through the hot, white sand to reach Vanessa's place.

From the beach a cobblestone path curved up through an unkempt cactus garden to Vanessa's front yard. As I got close to her house I heard the sound of softly splashing water and realised that she had turned the fountain back on. This fountain, which had been silent since Old Man Ramsey had become too infirm to visit his island retreat, was in the form of a statue which seemed to depict a naked woman holding a vomiting fish.

As I approached the front door I noticed that the curtains on the front windows were not drawn, so I decided to have a peek.

All right, I know, I was being a peeping Tom, invading Vanessa's privacy. But hadn't she invaded my island? All's fair in love and war, they say. Which one Vanessa and I would end up engaging in I was none too sure of at the moment, but it had to be one or the other.

So I crept over to the window on my left, very aware of the fact that, when it is easy to see in, it is also easy to see out. No luck there, just the kitchen/dining area. Moving stealthily to the other window, however, I found that I was in luck.



This appeared to be a lounge room, but Vanessa had set it up as a room to do her writing. And there she was sitting at her computer, her back, thankfully, towards me.

What I found hard to believe was how she was dressed. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Before I noticed what she was wearing, I notice the fact that her glorious bottom was totally bare.

She was sitting on a backless stool, over which she had draped a fluffy white bath towel. Her arse was even better than I thought it would be. So soft, so pink and with a light dusting of freckles over the top of her hips. I had to suck in my stomach to give my cock room to stretch himself. It was all I could do to resist the temptation to pull down my shorts and jack-off on the spot. But I realised that if Vanessa turned around she would see me.

It was now that I noticed what Vanessa was wearing. Above she wore a pink lace-up, Victorian-style bodice. The laces were threaded but not pulled tight, something which I imagine would have been impossible for one person on their own. Below this she was wearing a white garter-belt and white stockings.



This seemed a strange way for a woman to dress when she was on her own. For a moment I felt a jealous twinge as I wondered if she had brought a visitor to the island. But there was no sign of anyone else.

As I stood there staring at her lovely bottom and listening to the tapping of the keys of her computer, I noticed that occasionally she would stop typing and move her right hand down to her lap. Maybe she has to rest it occasionally so as not to get RSI, I thought. Surely she doesn't have to rest it that long, I wondered. Ha, ha, it almost looks like she's...No, she couldn't be...Shit, I think she is.

I moved in to get a better look at what she was doing with her hand, and my head and the window pane collided with a resounding thwack.

I caught a quick glimpse of Vanessa jumping up from her stool, as I ran and knocked at the front door, hoping I might still be able to salvage the situation.

When Vanessa opened the door she was wearing the towel around her waist. Above her pink bodice a rather large expanse of pale, freckled bosom was exposed, heaving deliciously in her current state of agitation.

"It's only me," I said, in the vain hope that, if I played it cool, she would think that the face in the window was a figment of her imagination.

"OF COURSE IT'S YOU. I KNOW IT'S YOU. THERE'S NO-BODY ELSE ON THE FUCKING ISLAND," she yelled. "BUT WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO COME PEEKING IN MY WINDOW."

Personally, I thought she was overreacting. Maybe a change of subject would help to defuse the situation.

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked, remember that a person's favourite subject is themself.

"MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!" she shrieked, thus dashing any thoughts I may have had to parlay my diplomatic skills into a job with the United Nations.

"I'm sorry I peeked in your window," I said, trying another tack. "I just caught a glimpse accidentally as I was coming up to the door, and you looked so gorgeous that, even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't help myself."

This time I'd hit on the right formula. The storm clouds disappeared from over Vanessa's face.

"All right, you can come in," she relented. "But I'm still going to be mad at you for another 5 minutes, because you deserve it. I ought to give you a good spanking, that's what I ought to do."

"Yes, please, Miss," I replied.

"You're an all-around deviant, aren't you?" she said, shaking her head.

By the time my 5 minutes were up we were sharing a couple of cold beers at the kitchen table. Vanessa had changed in the meantime into a light yellow summer dress.



"Actually I wouldn't have really minded if I hadn't been writing at the time," Vanessa admitted. "I really get into the story when I'm writing and it's very frustrating to get interrupted."

"Yes, it really did look like you were getting into the story," I agreed, meaningfully.

"What do you mean?!" she asked heatedly, though I could tell from the smile on her face that she was more excited than angry now. "David. Tell me the truth. How long were you looking at me through the window?"

"Well, long enough to tell that you like to take a few breaks from your writing," I replied, trying to be tactful.

"All right, so sometimes a girl likes to play with herself," said Vanessa in mock irritation. "Any objections?"

"Well," I replied, "only that I couldn't get a very good view from where I was standing."

Vanessa can't have been very thirsty because she emptied the rest of her beer over my head.


xNovel is a site where you can download porn novels from defunct publishing houses. Be warned, a lot of the novels there are kind of gross - Nazi concentration camp stories or tales about people who love animals in a way not condoned by the RSPCA. But there are also some that make for a fun read. One of those is Jane Fox's The Peeping Neighbors. It tells the story of four couples and one single girl who live in an apartment complex. Vera Parker wants to try out on her husband Vance the sexy techniques she has learned about from her neighbour Sharon McNeal. But Vance gets called away to investigate goings on by the swimming pool. He oversees Tony Summers fucking Georgette Martin, the single girl from downstairs, in the pool enclosure. Andy McNeal is paranoid about his wife Sharon. She learns her sex techniques from books, but when she gives him a great blow job he thinks she has been practicing on some other guy. Charles "The Colonel" Kolby is frustrated because his church-going wife Gladys has told him they are now too old for sex. The only way he can get satisfaction is masturbating while peeking through a hole in the bathroom wall which lets him spy on Belinda Summers doing the same in her shower. When Sharon, annoyed by Andy's suspicions, plots with Vera to put an end to them by getting Georgette to seduce her husband so that they can catch him with his pants down, things really hot up and soon everyone is being converted, one by one, to the joys of swinging. Jane Fox writes with the explicitness one expects in a porn novel, but also a playfulness which is very appealing. The story is not very believable, with its instantaneous conversions from jealous spouse to free-wheeling swinger, but if you want social realism you're probably looking in the wrong place.


Peeping Story on the Web

Window Watcher by Irishnia

An eighteen-year-old girl is having an shower when she notices the middle-aged man next door peeking at her through the window. Feeling horny, she decides to put on a show for him.



The Creep by The Lonely Island (feat. Nicki Minaj & John Waters (these creepers are also peepers).

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A YouTube Video Soundtrack to "Pink Flamingos"

Nobody makes fun of the ridiculous obsessive side of sex like John Waters. Whether using rosary beads as a sex aid (Multiple Maniacs), sucking each others toes in gender inappropriate underwear (Pink Flamingos), rubbing themselves with a fish as an erotic act (Female Trouble), sticking their breasts through glory holes in a toilet wall (Desperate Living), fetishistically stomping on women's feet (Polyester), masturbating to a Chesty Morgan movie (Serial Mom), letting a gerbil go up their butt (Cecil B. Demented) or picking up a water bottle with their "cooter" (A Dirty Shame), the characters in John Waters movies engage in some of the most hilariously ridiculous sex acts committed to celluloid. His films are not erotic, but they end up coming off as celebrations of sexuality all the same. And they are very, very funny.

Waters is also a music fan. He collects obscure R & B and novelty songs and often uses them in his movies. He has also put out two compilation albums - A John Waters Christmas and A Date With John Waters.

A lot of the songs from John Waters movies have video clips, mostly fan made, on YouTube, so just for the fun of it I thought I'd put up video soundtracks to some of his movies, beginning with his most notorious Pink Flamingos (1972), which made a household name of Divine. It tells the story of Divine (a murderer living under the alias of Babs Johnson in a trailer park outside Baltimore). She lives with her "travelling companion" Cotton (Mary Vivien Pearce), her senile egg-obsessed mother Edie (Edith Massey) and her sexually perverse son Crackers (Danny Mills). Divine has been labelled "the filthiest person alive". But a local couple - Connie (Mink Stole) and Raymond (David Lochary) Marble - who kidnap hippy girls, have their butler rape them and then sell the babies produced to lesbian couples, reinvesting the money in sex shops and elementary school heroin rings - decide that they are filthier than Divine and challenge her to a filth-off by mailing her a year old turd.

Pink Flamingos is perhaps the world's most notorious gross out movie. Many people can't watch it. But for me its gleefully transgressive nature makes it a real feel good movie.

The Swag by Link Wray and the Wraymen



This infectious rockabilly instrumental plays over the opening titles as we see Divine's trailer for the first time with the titular birds stand in front of it.

Intoxica by The Centurions (as covered by The Vulcanos)


A surf instrumental which accompanies Divine driving into Baltimore, nearly running down a jogger and making fun of a hitchhiking soldier.

Jim Dandy by Laverne Baker



An instrumental break from this classic R & B song plays as Divine arrives in Baltimore for her shopping trip.


I'm Not a Juvenile Delinquent by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

Video no longer available

This song plays as Divine is shopping for meat and getting checked out by a pervert with a packet of hotdogs.

The Girl Can't Help It by Little Richard


This classic rock 'n' roll song by Little Richard, which was the title song of one of Water's favourite movies, accompanies Divine parading down a street in central Baltimore to the obvious astonishment of local residents who didn't know a movie was being made. Waters' new book Role Models contains an interview he did with Little Richard.

Ooh! Look-A There, Ain't She Pretty by Bill Haley & The Comets




This song accompanies Raymond Marble exposing himself to women in the park with a sausage tied to his penis.

Chicken Grabber by the Nitehawks


As Raymond's victims run away we hear this strange song.

Sixteen Candles by the Crests


Video no longer available.


In the original version of Pink Flamingos, this doo-wop song accompanied the mailing of the turd. For legal reasons it could not be used in the 25 Anniversary re-release, so it was replaced with...

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby by The Tune Weavers

Video no longer available.

Pink Champagne by the Tyrones


The wild birthday party scene is scored with this infectious tune.

Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen


During the party a man strips naked and flexes his asshole to the tune of this novelty classic.

Riot in Cellblock #9 by The Robins (as sung by Richard Berry)





The instrumental break from the original recording of this song, by the Robins (who would go on to become The Coasters), accompanies the police raid on Divine's birthday party.

How Much is That Doggie in the Window? by Patti Page




This cute classic provides counterpoint to the notorious scene in which Divine indulges in some impromptu dog do dining.

The Hills Have Thighs (2009)

Here is a trailer for a film which looks like it has a great bad taste sense of humour not a million miles away from that found in Waters movies. I can't wait to check it out :