Sexy Occupation - Maid or House Cleaner

The windows are only one part of the house that need cleaning. The next of our sexy occupations is the maid or cleaner who probes every intimate nook and cranny of the house. She (or he) gets up close and personal with the places we have sex, the places we have sat our naked bottoms and sees any clues about our sex lives we may have inadvertently left lying around - the vibrator, the porn stash or the crotchless panties. And a fetishistic male cleaner, if unscrupulous, might take unnatural advantage of a lady's panty draw. It is hard to imagine a maid doing the same with a gentleman's y-fronts, but even that may be known to happen.

The French maid, particularly, has been an erotic archetype since the 1800s. In a more hierarchical, class-oriented society, maids were very subservient and there was no hope of suing an employer for sexual harassment. The reality of this situation may not have always been very pleasant for the maids, but it does provide a scenario that is often highly erotic as a fantasy for both men and women. And maids (along with butlers) were always perfect characters for a sex farce, with wives always on the verge of catching their husbands pants down with the home help.

But recently house cleaning has become sexy in a new way with the invention of nude or near nude house cleaning services, both female and male. There is no need to go to a strip club in order to perve at a hot nude sex object. You can do it in your own home and avoid having to do your own dusting and vacuuming into the bargain.

Recently I read a very sexy ebook on this very topic. Kendall Swan's Naked Housecleaning is a deliciously playful romantic fantasy about a college girl who cleans for a handsome, wealthy and somewhat eccentric young gentleman. When he offers to pay her three times as much if she cleans in the nude she is not sure what to think - the idea arouses her, but she worries that this amounts to prostitution. Her qualms are soon swept aside however and she finds that cleaning nude for a sexy man unleashes a very naughty side to her personality.

I've always found the idea of casual female nudity a big turn-on. Nudists claim that nude living is not an especially erotic thing, but for me the sight of a woman doing everyday things - gardening, ironing, cleaning, cooking, working out, etc. totally naked is somehow very erotic, so the idea of a naked cleaning lady is definitely a very appealing fantasy.

But what about the idea of being a nude cleaner for a female clientele? Well, in reality I'm a slob who avoids cleaning when possible, and with my physique the only way I'd get to work nude is by offering a massive discount for the privilege. But let's leave reality behind. In an ideal world it might go something like this :

LUSTING WHILE DUSTING


I'd been working for Clobber-Free Cleaners for only two weeks when I met up with Dora. Most of the women I worked for just quietly watched me as I cleaned their house naked. Afterwards they might make me a cup of tea and we'd have a friendly chat. With Dora it was different, she took an evil glee in having a defenceless naked man at her mercy. I felt like a mouse being played with by a tiger cub.


I should have seen the warning signs on my first visit when I noticed an enormous purple vibrator sitting on the television in the lounge room looking for all the world like a decorative ornament. I lifted it gingerly to dust the top of the set. It felt a little sticky.


"Oh, how embarrassing!" cried Dora. "I forgot I left that there." She grabbed it out of my hand, standing uncomfortably close as she did so. "There was a George Clooney movie on the telly last night," she added with a wink.


There are no hard and fast rules about how we are to speak to the customers. The only rules are that there should be no physical contact more intimate than a handshake. Personally, I think it lends an air of class to come on a little posh, so I always refer to my clients as "madame".


"I don't think you should really be doing that, madame," I said, on my second visit, when Dora came up behind me and began to gently stroke my right thigh while fondling my left buttock and nibbling my left ear lobe.


"I don't think you really mind," she teased. "If you did you would tell me to stop. You wouldn't be all 'I don't think you should really be doing that'." She actually did quite a good impersonation of my manner, I have to give her that.


"I'm sure madame is just trying to be affectionate," I replied, "but my only interest is in upholding the reputation of Clobber-Free Cleaners by doing the most thorough job I can in removing dirt and grime from your domicile."


"I really don't think that that is your only interest," she responded, "or else your cock wouldn't be standing out all big and stiff and dripping precum all over my bedside stand."


"Oh, I am sorry ma'am," I spluttered, grabbing a Kleenex to wipe up the mess. I looked down at my stiff cock and muttered "Traitor!" under my breath.


"I like your cock," said Dora. "He's on my side."


Luckily I was nearly finished for the day, so I was able to escape before things could get really unethical.

From that time on I never knew what Dora might do next and the erotic tension was so strong that my cock would be erect before I even came through the door and stripped off and would stay that way the whole time. On the up side, it did give me somewhere to hang my dust cloth. But when Dora caught me doing the vacuuming with the skirting board attachment stuck over my dick for later use she yelled at me for not being fully nude.


Of course she would take the opportunity to parade around in all kinds of skimpy clothes, bending over front ways so I could see her cleavage and bending over the other way so I could see the ripe curve of her butt.


Then one day, just as I was coming out of the bathroom after cleaning it, she appeared in a skimpy towelling robe and pushed past me, accidentally on purpose brushing my cock with the back of her hand, and started to run a bath.


"Come in here, will you?" she called out a couple of minutes later.


When I entered the bathroom I saw that she was sitting naked in the tub covered in soap. She had a stern look on her face.


"You left a smudge on the mirror," she said, pointing at it. "Clean it off now."


As I ran a cloth over the mirror, I watched her reflection. She'd slid her right hand down between her legs and was clearly masturbating.


"You're watching me, aren't you?" she teased. "Well, I don't care what you think. It's my pussy and I'll wash it as fast as I like."


"It is my opinion," I said, turning towards her, "that madame is a dirty little slut."


"Well, you are under contract to clean everything in my flat," she smiled. "I have a dirty cunt that needs cleaning and it looks like you have just the perfect utensil to do the job."


She reached over the edge of the tub and grabbed my cock with her soapy hand and tried to pull me into the bath with her, but it slipped through her sudsy fingers. "Oh, bugger me," she cursed.


"Madame will have to make up her mind which service she wants first," I laughed.


In response, Dora stood up and pulled her creamy wet bum cheeks apart to display the rosebud that lay between them. "Clean this with your tongue!" she giggled.


"Just don't tell the agency about this," I told her, as I stepped over the side of the tub and took her in my arms.


"Because you'd get fired?" she asked.


"No," I said, giving her playful smack on the ass. "Because all the guys will want to work for you."


The End

Sexy Occupation : Window Cleaner

Back in the 70s, when I was just a lad, there were a series of books and films that related the clumsy sexual adventures of a British working class everyman by the name of Timothy Lea. The first book was The Confessions of a Window Cleaner. Although Timothy Lea was listed as the author, it was actually written by Christopher Wood (who would later go on to write the scripts for two James Bond films - The Spy Who  Loved Me and Moonraker).

There where 19 Timothy Lea books and 4 films. In most of the books Timmy followed a particular profession. By turns he was a window cleaner, a driving instructor, a travelling salesman, a long distance lorry driver, a film extra, etc. Wood also wrote a similar series about Rosie Dixon, who was a night nurse, gym instructor, tour guide, babysitter, etc.

Recently I've been reading a lot of the Timothy Lea books, which are very funny, if rather politically incorrect by modern standards, filled as they are with rampant sexism and tasteless racial humour. What is most fun about them, though, is the slang - as Timmy's adventures lead to lots of encounters between his "spam ram" and his horny female customer's "spasm chasms". Here is a sample from Confessions of a Plumber's Assistant (1975) :

"As our lips stack, my right hand drops into her lap and starts to interfere with her under-clothing. Nothing to get you pulled up in front of the beak for finger smuggling but a soft, rhythmic carress ruckling her panties and rippling over her short and curlies. She starts to say something else but I kiss her silent and quickly slip my hand inside the blue lace. Percy is quivering like a tuning fork activated by a steam hammer and as I send a couple of cuticled hombres riding into love gulch Mrs Richmond presses back against her chair and shoots out her parted legs."

This gave me the idea of doing a series of posts on the humorously erotic possibilities of various occupations. Over the years I've written a number of stories which do this - Nicki the Naughty Nurse, Inappropriate Behaviour (about a psychiatrist), School Daze with Maria (about a teacher) and What Do You Want for Christmas? (about a store Santa who moonlights as a stripper). So I'll highlight all those occupations and more. But I thought I'd start with Timmy Lea's first occupation - window cleaner.

Cleaning windows isn't a glamorous occupation, but it allows for plenty of erotic possibilities. The voyeur never knows what intimate delights may reveal themselves on the other side of the glass. A window washer who serves private clients may meet up with the archetypal frustrated house wife. And a fit window cleaner in a wet transparent singlet can easily be a lust object for the ladies.

All of these possibilities were covered in the movie of Confessions of a Window Cleaner (1974), which was directed by veteran Val Guest (The Quatermass Xperiment (1955)). Guest and Wood collaborated on the script. Timmy (Robin Askwith) is working for his shifty brother-in-law Sid (Anthony Booth) in the window-washing business. He sees some exciting sights through the windows he is washing - a girl lounging nude, randy schoolgirls in the shower, a pair of window dressers getting frisky, etc. But Timmy is inexperienced sexually, so Sid decides to help him out by introducing him to a friendly stripper. They make out in the dressing room, but, as will be the trend, things don't go as they are supposed to. Later Timmy will have a very soapy encounter with a nymphomaniac, get caught doing nearly nude yoga with a client's au pair, have to hide naked under a tiger skin rug and will help a weepy girl to make her lover jealous by jumping into bed with her. One of his more interesting encounters occurs when he returns to the home of the woman who caught him with her au pair. She is a middle aged clean freak, but when she gets him to change a light bulb in the coal cellar and he falls into the coal heap, accidentally ripping her dress off as he does, she gets turned on by how dirty he is and insists that, in order to keep from getting her house dirty he must strip naked and let her give him a bath. Poor Timmy runs for his life, but personally I would have played along. Timmy also falls in love, with Elizabeth, a young policewoman played by sex goddess, Linda Hayden (The Blood on Satan's Claw (1971)), who would return in Confessions from a Holiday Camp (1977) playing a different character. Timmy's family are horrified that he is going out with an officer of the law, especially as his dad's chief hobby is stealing things from the lost property office where he works. The story leads up to Timmy's wedding to Elizabeth, but it is no spoiler to say that it all goes awry.

Robin Askwith as Timothy Lea.

Linda Hayden as Elizabeth.

Trivia : Confessions of a Window Cleaner was the highest grossing British film of 1974. Anthony Booth is the father of Cherie Blair, wife of ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

An Erotic Story about Window Cleaners

The Window Cleaner by Gaia Lorraine

A very hot tale of exhibitionism, voyeurism and masturbation.

Let me know what you think are the sexiest occupations for men and for women.