Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Spy Who Came : Wank Wednesday


It's Wank Wednesday once more, and today the prompt word is #recipe. To find out more about this writing challenge, and to read the other contributions, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

The Spy Who Came




The year was 1955. The place - Louisville, Kentucky. Natasha Suckyanobov was on her most important, and potentially dangerous, mission yet.

It was the height of the Cold War, and Natasha was devoted to the cause of global Communism. There was no reason, she had been led to believe, why her people - the people of the Soviet Union - could not enjoy all of the benefits which were enjoyed by the citizens of western nations like the United States. It was her job to use her powers of seduction to liberate the information which would make this possible.

She was particularly good with accents. As she sat in the Purple Parrot Lounge, sipping a strawberry daiquiri, she chatted with the barman in a perfect southern accent.

At 8.17 her target entered the bar.

"How's it going, Harland?" enquired the barman of the distinguished gentleman with white hair, glasses and goatee.

"Mighty fine! Mighty fine!" he replied. "Give me the usual."

The barman poured out a double bourbon.

"Perhaps I could buy something for the lady, too," he suggested, with a naughty twinkle in his eye.

"Why, thank you kindly, good sir," drawled Natasha, as he sat down on the next barstool.

Well, one thing led to another and an hour later Natasha and the man referred to in official Soviet documents as "H.S." were back in her hotel room.

"So, are you one of the Lexington Sackville's?" H.S. asked.

"I'm the one they don't talk about," purred Natasha.

"I wondered why I hadn't heard about you," he told her, as he removed his trousers, to reveal a pair of baggy boxer shorts draped around a massive erection.

"Well, you are glad to see me," she smiled.

"A gentleman always stands for a lady," he replied, pulling down his boxers and giving her an eyeful of his bountiful boner.

Natasha was now standing in just her black silk bra and panties. In her underwear she was the spitting image of Betty Page.


"So are you really a military man?" she asked. "Because that's quite a weapon you have there." She walked over and ran her finger tenderly down the length of his cock.

"No," he replied. "My title is purely an honorary one."

Natasha sank to her knees and took H.S.'s cock in her mouth, licking and sucking on it hungrily. "Mmmmm, mmmmm," she sighed, popping it back out again. "Taste's delicious."

She stripped off her last garments and lay back on the bed with her legs spread.

"Come and get it," she smiled.

H.S. climbed up onto the bed and slid a couple of fingers deep into her wet pussy. He rubbed her clit at the same time with his thumb. And he kissed her passionately as he wanked her off. His beard tickled her chin.

"Oh, God! I'm cumming!" she cried, almost losing her accent in her ecstasy.

He pulled his fingers out of her cunt and licked the juice from them.

"Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. Finger lickin' good," he sighed.

Then he pressed her back onto the bed so that her full breasts were squashed against his manly chest as he slid his cock home into her lubricated love lounge. Her cunt juice basted his balls as he began to pound her pussy long and hard with his pulsating prick which was also long and hard.

"Oh, yeah," she sighed. "Fuck me like a good member of the proletariat."

"I beg your pardon?" queried H.S., as he continued to probe her pussy with his prodigious member.

"Errr, I just said, 'Don't you love that TV show Ozzie and Harriet'," she stammered.

"You're a strange, but very sexy, woman," he declared. "Oh, yeah, honey chile, here it comes!" And with that he spurted several jets of hot spunk deep within the pussy of his secretly sinister lover.

That night he fell asleep in her arms, but he awoke to find himself tied spread-eagled to the bed. She was approaching him threateningly with a feather. He could stand anything but tickling. How did she know?

An hour later Natasha was communicating by radio with her bosses in Moscow.

"I have the secret recipe," she informed them. "Yes, that's right. All eleven herbs and spices."

The End


Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sleeping Beauty and Prince Pervert : A Sunday Snog



The Sunday Snog is an institution created by Victoria Blisse. The idea is to post a snogging scene from one of your books (or create a new one). For more information check out her blog. Today's snog is an original.


Sleeping Beauty and Prince Pervert




Once upon a time, Prince Pervert was riding his mighty black steed through the magic forest, when he came to a large clearing. There, in the middle of the open space, dappled by the golden rays of sunlight which filtered down through the leaves, lay the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She lay upon a bed of stone which was carved to support each curve of her very curvy body. And she was dressed in the opulent gown of a princess.


This was Sleeping Beauty. Many years before a witch had put a curse on her that she would sleep for eternity, unless a prince should kiss her upon the lips.


"Wake up, Miss," said the Prince, shaking Beauty's shoulder. She made no response. The Prince could feel that she was alive. He could feel her pulse. But she seemed to be in some kind of coma.


"This is a situation I can turn to my advantage," the evil Prince said to himself. His nickname had not come to him for no reason. He had earned it by his many depraved actions.


Much as he admired Beauty's dress, he was more keen to admire what lay beneath it, and so he slowly stripped her naked, lovingly fondling each newly revealed expanse of soft, pale flesh. She had the most gorgeous breasts, like big scoops of vanilla ice-cream topped with strawberries. She had a gently curving belly with a cute little button in the middle. And her pussy lips were fat and pink, decorated by a forest of pubes which shone in the sun like spun gold. And her sleep must have been accompanied by sexy dreams, because a creamy juice leaked from between them. The Prince gently turned her over to admire the peachy cheeks of her snow white bottom. And he kissed it gently. There was nothing of roughness in his behaviour, shameless pervert that he was. He would spy on women when they thought they were fucking or masturbating unobserved, he would expose himself to nuns,  he would masturbate into old lady's panties and then put them back on the clothesline, but physical violence was abhorrent to him.


"If she's in a coma," surmised the Prince, "she's not going to know anything about it if I fuck her. It'll do her no harm and me a lot of good, since seeing her naked body has made my cock quite painfully stiff."


And so he stripped naked and mounted Sleeping Beauty. Her slippery pussy seemed to welcome his hot and throbbing prick as he slid it home with a sigh of satisfaction.


The fact that she made no response, but lay limply beneath him, would have been off-putting to a lesser man. But when something felt sick or wrong, to Prince Pervert that just added to the appeal. And soon he was arching his back and shooting his load deep within Beauty's warm and wet, if unresponsive, pussy.



"Thank you, Miss, for giving me such pleasure on this fine morning," said the Prince, rhetorically.


Then he made a big mistake. Looking down at Beauty's plump ruby red lips, he decided that he should top off his pleasures by pressing his own lips against them. Still naked, he bent down, slid his hand gently beneath her flaxen hair and brought his moustachioed lips down upon hers. The feel of those sweet lips against his was a pleasure which eclipsed that of her other lips against his cock. There was magic in that kiss.


And then the Prince's heart nearly stopped in shock, when Beauty's sapphire blue eyes shot opened, and her lips also opened, allowing her soft wet tongue to invade his mouth. Beauty was quite the snogger.


But then, as they pulled away from each other, she looked down at the Prince's body with some shock.


"Why are you naked!?!" she cried. "And why is your cock dripping with cum?" And then she looked down her own body. "And why am I naked!?! And why is there cum all over my pussy?"


"It's not what it looks like," replied the Prince desperately.


"You fucked me, didn't you!?!" screamed Beauty. "You prick!!! You fucked a girl in a coma!!!!" Then she grabbed the Prince by his ornate collar and slapped his face hard. And then she used her other hand and slapped him equally hard with that one.


The Prince leapt to his feet and ran off into the forest with the naked Beauty in hot pursuit. Since she had been asleep for 20 years, she was well-rested, while the Prince was all worn out from fucking her. So quite quickly he collapsed against a tree and she caught up with him. She kicked his shins, she punched him in the face, and she even slapped his cock.


"Oh, yeah," moaned the Prince. "Hit me more. Hit me more. I love it." And sure enough his cock was growing really stiff once more. He really was an all around pervert.




"It's very, very wrong to fuck a girl while she is asleep," Beauty insisted. "A gentleman always wakes a girl up first so that she can enjoy it too."


"I didn't know I could wake you up," pleaded the Prince.


"Ignorance is no excuse," Beauty told him, smacking the head of his cock so that it waved back and forth like a metronome.


"I'm truly sorry," replied the Prince, and he meant it.


"You know that I could tell your Fairy Godmother," warned Beauty. "And she would probably turn you into a pumpkin."


"How did you know I have a Fairy Godmother?" asked the Prince.


"Don't be silly," she responded. "Everyone has a Fairy Godmother."


"Well, mine is already pissed at me," the Prince confessed. "So please don't tell her."


"I think you can make things up to me," replied Beauty with an evil smile. "There are three things I really love - having my titties sucked and my clit licked ; perving at gorgeous men like yourself in the nude ; and being gangbanged. So, if you promise to orally pleasure me at least five times a day, never wear any clothes and invite your friends over every Friday night for a gangbang, you can marry me and take me back to live in your palace. If you don't your Fairy Godmother will have the whole story."


The Prince pretended that Beauty was striking a hard bargain. But, really, the only thing that was hard was his cock as he anticipated their life together.


And so they lived sleazily ever after.


The End

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Time to Fold : Wank Wednesday


Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #paper. To find out more about this writing challenge and to find the links to the other stories check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

Time to Fold




Journal of Eccentric Sporting Tournaments (JEST), October 2011

An Interview with Sam Kensington, World Champion in the Art of Freestyle Erotogami (The Ancient Japanese Art of Sexually Explicit Paper Folding), 1970-75.

JEST : Paper folding isn't a physically demanding sport, so why retire in your mid-sixties?

Sam Kensington : That's where you'd be wrong. Sure it doesn't take strength, but it takes precision. And the truth is that I haven't folded paper publicly since I lost the championship to my future wife in Tokyo in 1975.

JEST : But you have continued to be active in the sport as tactical support for your wife.

Sam Kensington : Exactly. So my decision to bow out is really her decision to bow out. She's retiring to concentrate on composing boogie concertos for the theremin. And I have no interest in working with any other folders.

JEST : Tell us how you did end up losing your title.

Sam Kensington : It was by default actually. An injury took me out of the competition.

JEST : An injury?

Sam Kensington : Yes, a rather nasty paper cut. Mildred beat out the rest of the competition. But let it be known that I have no doubt she would have beaten me. It was her first year of competition and she was, and has always been, a genius when it comes to making paper penises. My specialty, of course, was vaginas. And it was a conflict on this very issue which constituted our first intercourse. Verbal intercourse, of course.

JEST : She was not keen on your vaginas?

Sam Kensington : Well she thought they were too easy. 'Sam,' she said to me, 'it just won't do. That's just a salt cellar with one of the corner's bent over.' 'That's the clitoris,' I explained, 'and the two sides are the labia.' 'But the clitoris is in the wrong place and the whole thing is split two ways,' she insisted. 'Vagina's aren't.' 'Well,' I replied. 'It looks more like a vagina than it looks like a salt cellar.' 'Well, they never really did look like salt cellars, did they?' she agreed. 'I'm not sure where that came from.'


JEST : She specialised in penises?

Sam Kensington : That's right. All kinds of penises - flaccid, erect, circumcised - she could make them out of a single piece of paper. 'Sam,' she insisted, 'my penises don't come easy. Sometimes I have to work on them all day long.' I had to admit that they did make my vaginas look kind of wet by comparison.

JEST : And out of this argument over the relative artistic value of masculine vs. feminine paper genitalia sprang true love?

Sam Kensington : If our story had been a Hollywood movie, they would have described it as a "meet cute" beginning.

JEST : But you had a secret up your sleeve, even if you were out of the competition.

Sam Kensington : That's right. Of course the sensible thing would have been to keep it to myself and use it to win the next year. My secret was that I was not planning on making a vagina in the competition. The year before I'd made a secret trip to Hokkaido to meet with a Zen monk who knew the secret of single sheet copulation. It seems impossible, but it isn't. If you know the secret you can create a couple fucking doggy-style from a single uncut sheet of paper. Not only that but, when you pull on the sides of the figure, the man's penis goes in and out of her vagina and her eyes open wide each time this happens.


JEST : We wouldn't believe it if we hadn't seen it ourselves. But what convinced you to team up with Mildred Hatrack and let her take the honour of presenting single sheet copulation at the 1976 competition in New York?

Sam Kensington : Well, I had to admire her folding ability. But it was my admiration for something else which really brought us together. Mildred was one hot potato back then. Hell, she still is. Dress is kind of conservative in the world of paper folding, but it was pretty obvious there were some serious curves hidden beneath all those clothes. I didn't think I'd get a chance to find out though as the organisers of these contests are very conservative and discourage any fraternisation in the hotel rooms. We were staying an a very old-fashioned hotel in the middle of Tokyo. It was so old-fashioned in fact that it had traditional paper walls between the guest's rooms. When I noticed Mildred going into the room next to mine, I decided to do something very reckless, something of which I would be very ashamed if it hadn't been for the fact that it was a part of the process which led to my marriage.


JEST : What was it that you did?

Sam Kensington : I cut a small hole in the paper wall so that I could watch Mildred getting undressed. What I didn't realise was that a bright blue staring eye is pretty obvious when it is all that is breaking up an expanse of white paper and some brown wooden slats. She was onto me from the very start. But she'd taken a shine to me and she was also a bit of an exhibitionist on the quiet. So she pretended not to notice me watching her as she slowly undressed. I myself was already naked. And as she shed her clothes, I had to push my penis back firmly between my legs so that I could continue to stand close to the wall as it stiffened. It wasn't comfortable, but drinking in every detail of Mildred's gorgeous pale and curvy body was my main concern. Soon she was completely starkers, her big round boobs swinging loosely, her pink nipples erect and the gentle curve of her belly and thighs perfectly framing her hairy snatch. But she was determined to put on a show I could never forget, so no sooner was she naked than she lay back on her futon and began vigorously masturbating. That was my undoing.

JEST : That's when you fell in love with her?

Sam Kensington : No, that's when my stiff prick shot from between my thighs and ripped a huge hole through the paper wall.

JEST : How did she react to that?

Sam Kensington : She leapt to her feet, ran across the room and grabbed hold of my dick with both hands. 'Now I've got you, you little pervert!' she cried, but she couldn't stop herself from giggling. At first I wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't going to let go of my dick. I pulled back, but she held on for dear life. Then it occurred to me that I might as well take advantage of the situation.

JEST : How did you do that?

Sam Kensington : After I'd pulled my dick back as far as I could, I pushed it forward again. The loose skin was held tightly in her warm soft hands, but I could push it in and out, and derive quite some pleasure from doing so. 'Are you trying to get me to wank you off?' she asked. 'As long as you keep hanging on to me like that,' I replied, 'I don't see that you have a choice.' The next thing I knew I felt something stiff and wet rubbing around the head of my dick while she tugged on it. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's the folded over bit on my salt cellar,' she chuckled. Well, it wasn't long before my cum was hanging off her pubes like tinsel on a Christmas tree. I know because she showed me through the big cum soaked hole that now acted as a window between our rooms. So that is how our relationship began. After that we decided to team up. She would do the folding and I would travel the globe looking for the most arcane and remarkable of folding techniques.

The End


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Book Review : Forum Rejects - Rejected Erotic Letters by Tom Nardone


Forum Rejects is a collection of letters which Tom Nardone wrote to Penthouse magazine. He decided that it would be funny to write deliberately bad erotic letters and see what happened. Would they be accepted as curiosities? Would they be rejected? It was the literary equivalent of making prank phone calls. But with a prank phone call you know how it has been received. Nardone never found out how his letters were received. He never received any feedback. But now he has dug out those old letters and put them out in ebook form. So we can all share the fun and laughs that may or may not have been brought to the editors of Penthouse by Nardone's special brand of humour.

The book (which is available for free from Smashwords) contains ten letters, all ostensibly written by different characters - 1 woman and 9 men. Each takes a different approach to the idea of the unerotic "erotic letter", from sexual incompetence to gross out to insane forms of description. My favourite is the second letter Louise at the Circus :

"In the 80's I thought that the curve of my television screen was about as curved as Louise's stomach. This was handy because I rented a lot of porn movies and whenever they zoomed in on the woman stomach I felt the curve of the screen and the stomach matched really well. It would get me very hot. I'll never get one of those flat TV's. I don't care if the resolution is better."
"Her breast weren't like fat elephants at all. The skin was much smoother than I imagined. It was like they were made from two half bowling balls but they were the consistency of jell-o. I massaged those jell-o semispherical bowling balls while Louise moaned like a broken vacuum cleaner."
 That letter had me laughing so hard I practically choked, and the rest are nearly as funny.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Pubic Record : Wank Wednesday


Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #tangle. For more information on this writing challenge, and to find links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

The Pubic Record


I've been working for the Guinness Book of Records for ten years now. Every workday I travel around watching people eat a massive number of hotdogs or build a ten foot high house with playing cards, or else I'm counting their collection of vintage Coca Cola bottle caps. But I never thought I'd end up in the record books myself. This is how it happened.

I received a call from a woman who said she thought she had broken a record. But she wouldn't tell me what the record was over the phone. She said I wouldn't take her seriously unless I saw it for myself.

"What the hell?" I thought. I get paid whether the record is a legitimate one or not. I'm just the verifier.

When I knocked on the door it was opened by a pretty little redhead in her mid thirties. She was just my kind of lady, plump with big titties. She was wearing denim shorts and a pink t-shirt that said "I'm a bad, bad girl." She greeted me with a cheeky smile.


"I'm glad you decided to come," she said. "My name is Denise. You won't be disappointed."

"I'm sure I won't," I replied, looking at the way the letters on her t-shirt were stretched out of shape by her  round boobs.

I'd brought my full bag of measuring implements as I wasn't sure what I was going to be verifying. I put it down on a chair in the kitchen when she offered me a cold can of soda out of the fridge.

"Well, I better show you, I suppose," she shrugged as I sipped on the cool drink.

Before I knew what was happening, she unzipped her shorts and pulled them and her panties down over her plump legs.

I was so taken aback that I sat down on my instrument bag. There was a loud crunch as many of the instruments it contained broke beneath me.

"I've been cultivating my pubic hair for several years now," Denise told me. "It isn't easy. You have to cut off just enough to encourage it to keep growing."

I'd never seen anything like it. It looked like Billy Connolly had just poked his head out of her cunt.


"I must admit I'm very impressed," I informed her. As she tugged nervously at her pubic jungle, I could see the pink slit beneath. Her pussy lips were wet and glistening. Exposing herself to me was turning her on. Her display was having a similar effect on me. The pith helmeted explorer in my pants was pressing against my fly in his urgency to uncover the secrets hidden within that wilderness.

"I think I have the longest pubes in the world," she declared.

"Let me get out my ruler and we'll see if we can confirm that," I suggested, standing up and looking into my bag. "Damn, I broke my ruler!" I cried, picking up the two separate pieces. "You wouldn't have a ruler, or a tape measure? I usually have a tape measure myself, but an elephant crushed it after I tried to measure his penis."

"Oh, dear," she said. "I hope you haven't come here for nothing." Then she turned around and bent over, looking into a cupboard under the sink. Her bare bum was big and soft and wobbly and it was all I could do to resist the temptation to go over and slap it playfully. I'm sure she didn't really need to wriggle it back and forth like that as she looked for a measuring implement. "I'm afraid I don't have anything," she sighed finally.

"Wait a minute," I replied. "I think I know what we can do." I moved the bag off of the chair and sat down to take off my shoes.

"Yes?" she asked, coming over and standing very close to me, so that her pubes were tickling my arm.


"My cock is exactly six inches long when erect," I informed her. "A peculiarity which I never thought would come in handy."

"And is your cock erect now?" she smiled saucily.

I stood up and dropped my trousers and boxer shorts.

"Oh, I see that it is," she nodded.

"Do you really think that a gorgeous woman like yourself can flash her juicy scarlet-tressed cunt at me without causing me to become rampantly aroused?" I asked.

"You think I'm gorgeous?" she queried with a big grin.

"Believe me," I replied. "I'm finding it very hard to remain professional at the moment in your intoxicating presence."

"So how are we going to do this measuring?" she asked, a little breathlessly.

"Perhaps if we go into your bedroom," I suggested. "You can lay down on the bed and spread your legs. We'll stretch your pubes out as far as they will go, and I'll measure them with my cock."

"That sounds like a plan," she agreed, leading the way, her big bum jiggling around in front of me in a way that made me groan with suppressed lust.

Once we were in the bedroom, Denise jumped onto the bed, rolled onto her back and spread her legs.

"O.K. Let's get started," I said, grabbing a bunch of her fiery wiry hairs and trying to find the longest ones. Once I'd done that I stretched them out onto the bedspread as far as they would go. Damn, there was Denise's pink pouting wet pussy staring me in the face. Her juices were leaking onto the bedspread.

Rosie from Girls Out West
"Measure me, Mr. Inspector," she grinned.

Once I had the ends of the longest strands of pussy hair, I reached around under my arse to hold them there and then lay down so that the length of my stiff cock lay along the hair. One cock. I held that spot with my fingers. Two cocks. At three cocks, the head of my measuring implement was smearing pre-cum all over Denise's stiff clit.

"Mmmmmmmm, that feels divine," she sighed.

"Eighteen inches," I told her, my voice quivering a little. "I'm sure that's a record."

"Would it be unprofessional of you to slide that lovely stiff cock of yours deep into my record-breakingly hairy pussy?" she asked, biting her lip.

"That would be very unprofessional of me," I informed her. "Fucking your juicy hot wet pussy, while grabbing fistfuls of your big beautiful ass would be terribly unprofessional. As unprofessional as pulling  off your one remaining garment so that I can suck on your mouthwatering tits."

"I wouldn't want to ask you to do anything unprofessional," she said sadly as my cock continued to tease her clit. "But perhaps you could give the new record holder a tiny kiss of congratulation."

"I think that would be acceptable," I agreed, moving up to give her a peck on the lips.

"Whoops!" she cried. "Somebody's naughty prick has slipped right up inside my greedy little pussy."

"Let's just call it a workplace accident," I groaned as I grabbed her big soft ass cheeks and slammed my modestly proportioned pecker in and out of her hairy love nest.


Denise pulled off her t-shirt as I furiously fucked her.

"Play with my boobies! Play with my boobies!" she cried. I jiggled them and squeezed them, and when I gently pinched her nipples she squealed in delight.

She was wriggling around ecstatically beneath me as I ground myself into her, pushing my cock as deep into her pussy as it would go.

"I'm cumming!" she screamed, and I could feel her juices washing over my bouncing balls.

"Oh, God!" I shouted as I spurted several jets of hot jism in her steamy depths.

"That was awesome," she grinned as I began to pull away.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" we screamed in unison. All that grinding had turned our intermingled tangle of pubic hair into a net of knots. We were tied together at the crotch.

We tried to pull ourselves apart, but it was too painful. If we could get a pair of scissors we could cut ourselves apart, but that would mean getting up off of the bed and we couldn't coordinate ourselves to do that without also causing pain. If there were a mobile nearby we could have called 911. But there wasn't.

"I've got a flat mate," Denise explained. "But she is travelling at the moment. She won't get back until Thursday."

We were stuck together like that for 125 hours. When Denise's flatmate cut us apart on Thursday, we were seriously dehydrated and very hungry. We had fucked a total of 51 times.

That's how I ended up in the Guinness Book of World Records as holder (along with Denise) of the record for the longest instance of coitus non interruptus.

The End

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Falling Into the Cougar Cage : Wank Wednesday


It's Wank Wednesday once again and the prompt word is #cliff. I've resisted the temptation to write a story about Cliff Richard. For more information about this writing challenge as well as links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

Falling Into the Cougar Cage




Barney was eighteen years old and he was very unlucky. Apart from having to share his name with a really annoying purple dinosaur, he was a virgin. This might not have been a problem if he wasn't horny. But he was horny all the time. He had only to see a girl's round ass encased in a tight pair of jeans or firm young breasts bouncing bra-less beneath a t-shirt and his cock became rock hard. This made him very self-conscious. But he kept looking. And he longed to see more than just clothed girls on the streets. Of course he looked at magazines full of naked women. He could jack off to them all day. But he longed to see naked girls in the flesh. That is why he came up with his grand plan.

He might have been timid when it came to women, but he was a bit of a daredevil in other ways. He loved to go rock-climbing and he loved to hang-glide. A few miles from where he lived there was a nude beach over which towered a massive limestone cliff. He decided to hang-glide off of the cliff and glide over the beach so that he could get a bird's eye view of all those naked girls.

From the top of the cliff all of those girls looked like little white or brown ants. In fact he couldn't tell which of the little figures were men and which were women. But he grabbed onto the big kite and walked to the end of the precipice. He took a deep breath, and then he hurled himself forward out into the sunny afternoon sky. While it was a very hot day, thus ensuring that the beach was packed, it was a little windier than usual. Barney had to use all of his strength to guide himself in the right direction. He glided out over the sea and then circled back so that he could fly over the beach at a lower altitude.


Once he was gliding above the beach itself he found that its occupants were a very mixed bunch. There were a lot of fat old men whose leathery brown bellies hid their genitals just as well as clothes would have. And their were old women whose withered breasts hung almost to their knees. But there were also plenty of girls around his own age, of varying degrees of attractiveness it was true, but when he saw the gorgeous ones, with their firm bouncing breasts, jiggling bottoms and their bald or hairy pussies shamelessly displayed, it was all worth it. The feel of his dick sliding across the soft cloth of his briefs inside his denim shorts as it swelled and stiffened was almost enough to make him cum in his pants. Some of the girls even looked up and waved, just inviting him to feast his eyes on their delicious nakedness. This had definitely been a good idea.

But when a girl with a particularly lovely bottom bent down to pick something up so that her bum was presented directly towards him with just a hint of furry pussy peaking out, he forgot that he needed to start pulling up if he were to avoid crashing into the beach. At the last moment he pulled up sharply, but a freak wind lifted him and propelled him far over the local neighbourhood. At some point he was going to have to land, but where? Now he was above a patchwork of backyards and their accompanying houses.

Vesper from Girls Out West
There was a very large swimming pool. Now was his chance. He let go of the handle of his glider and fell into the water. The glider was whipped up by the wind, turned over and then landed on the roof of the house.

"It looks like someone has dropped in for a visit?" said one of three attractive women in their forties who chose this moment to walk out of the house and into the backyard with long drinks in their hands. All three were wearing brightly-coloured bikinis which showed off their tanned bellies and generous boobs.

"I'm sorry," Barney spluttered as he dragged himself from the water. "I lost control."

"We all know what that's like," chuckled the woman, a redhead in a hot pink bikini.

"You really must get out of those wet clothes," suggested a blonde wearing tropical print bathers.

"I'm Rebecca," put in a brunette in black, holding out her hand. Barney looked bewildered. He didn't take her hand, and he didn't take off his wet clothes.

"Brandi is my name," announced the redhead, "and randy is my nature."

"This is my home," the blonde informed him, "and my name is Sue."


"You look ridiculous standing there all wet and bedraggled like a half-drowned kitten," declared Brandi. "You're among friends. Take off the shorts and t-shirt. You can leave on your underpants if you are feeling shy."

"Awww, does he have to?" asked Rebecca with a wink.

Reluctantly Barney pulled his t-shirt off of his well-formed six pack and unzipped and pulled off his shorts. He was very much aware of the fact that his wet black hipsters did nothing to hide the shape of his currently flaccid cock.

"I'll go get you a drink," said Sue. "And I won't even ask to see your I.D."

"Well, we can see everything else," smiled Brandi, looking very directly at the front of Barney's underpants.

Sue came back with a tall glass filled with an orange coloured drink. It had a lemon slice and a paper umbrella. Barney sipped it and realised that it was very strong.

While Barney was distracted by tasting his drink, Brandi came up behind him and yanked down his underpants. He went bright red and quickly covered his dick with his free hand.

"He's so shy," Brandi chuckled, while groping his bare ass.

"I'd almost think he was a virgin," Rebecca told her, "if I didn't know that they were an extinct species."

"I'm not a virgin," Barney replied. "I've banged lots of chicks."

"You like sex, do you?" asked Sue, sidling up beside him and stroking his face.

"I love it!" he declared proudly.

At this point the three women simultaneously reached behind them, unclipped their bikini tops and shrugged them off. Their big soft boobs hung low, the previously unexposed areas pale compared to the tan elsewhere. Then they hooked their fingers into their bikini bottoms and pulled them down their legs. Rebecca and Sue had their pussies shaved bare, while Brandi sported a well trimmed area of flaming pubes.

Sidney at  AllOver30.com
"If you love sex so much," purred Sue, "you'll be absolutely crazy about having a foursome with a trio of sex-crazed cougars."

"That's disgusting!" cried Barney. "You're old! You're even older than my mother."

"So you don't like older women, hey?" queried Sue, while gently nibbling on his earlobe and rubbing her bare pussy against his hip.

"No," Barney replied.

"You're dick's telling us otherwise," said Rebecca in a sing song voice as she pulled his hand away from his cock to reveal that it was now standing fully erect.

"Traitor!" cried Barney to his erection. He put down his drink and gave his cock a hard slap. "Ouch! Fuck!" he screamed, hopping up and down.

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that sort of thing to your cock," Sue informed him. She pulled his hands behind his back. Brandi brought over her bikini top and together they used it to tie Barney's hands together.

"We're members of the SPCP," she informed him. "The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Penises."

"Yes," added Rebecca, "you'd be surprised at the number of penis owners who mistreat what should be their best friend. They squeeze their penis into extra tight pants. And with so many guys, if we don't keep an eye on them, they start beating their meat."

"And it isn't just what they do to them," Brandi explained. "Oh, no, no, no... Deprivation is a big problem to. If we left you to your own devices you would deprive your cock of the joys we want to bestow upon it. That, my little virgin friend, would be cruelty."

"I told you, I'm not a virgin," Barney insisted.

"Cougar's know how to trust their instincts," Brandi told him. "If you weren't a virgin our mouths would not be watering as much as they are at the thought of sucking your cock."

"The first time you have your cock sucked, you want to have it done by an expert," Rebecca informed him. He looked over at her and found that she was sliding two of her fingers in and out of her cunt which was dripping its juices all down her legs.

"How do we decide who goes first?" asked Sue.

"It's your home," said Brandi, reasonably. "You go first, then Rebecca and then me."

"She wants to make sure she's the one who gets a mouthful of spunk," laughed Rebecca.


Sue crouched down between Barney's legs and sucked on his balls, then she licked up the underside of his shaft which was leaking pre-cum onto his belly from its head. She licked up some of the slippery liquid and then slipped her lips over the head of his cock and swallowed it down her throat. The other two were watching closely while squatting down on either side and enthusiastically fingering themselves.

The other two took turns in sucking his cock.

"Oh, God!" he exclaimed as he filled Brandi's warm wet mouth with jets of creamy jism. She pulled her mouth off of his softening cock and then opened it up wide so that he could see her tongue all covered in his love juices.

"If you promise not to run away or do violence to your penis, I'll untie you," Sue informed him.

"O.K.," Barney replied. "I really don't want to run away now. This feels wrong, but in a good way."

So Sue untied him and they sat around chatting and sipping their drinks. Each of the women had her legs spread and was playing with herself as they socialised. Occasionally one would have to pause in her conversation to let out a moan of orgasm.

"You really don't want to squeeze a large cock like yours into a young woman's very tight vagina," Rebecca lectured him. "What he wants is to be stroked by the tender caress of an older pussy which is juicier and less constricting."


And indeed, by the end of the afternoon he had not only fucked all of their wet and tender pussies, but also Brandi's tight butt-hole. (Which just goes to show that the ladies were somewhat hypocritical in their views on putting cocks in tight places.)

"Take this," Sue told him, after he had dressed and gathered up the remains of his hang glider. She handed him a little black book.

"What's this?" he wanted to know.

"It has our phone numbers and addresses and also those of all the other 108 members of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Penises," she explained. "If, at any time, you feel that you might be in danger of mistreating your penis, ring one of these numbers and help will shortly be at hand."

The End

Sunday, October 2, 2011

A Snogger Prepares : A Sunday Snog


The Sunday Snog is an institution created by Victoria Blisse. The idea is to post a snogging scene from one of your books (or create a new one). For more information check out her blog. Today's snog is an original and a quickie.

A Snogger Prepares




I was helping Natasha to learn her lines. Our performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which she was Titania and I was Bottom, was only a week away.

We were sitting on a bench at the seaside amidst the couples eating fish and chips. Gulls circled above us sometimes swooping down to steal a chip.

"Oh, my God!" cried Natasha. "There's my ex-boyfriend and he's looking straight at us."

"That tall handsome brooding fellow with the bright yellow cravat?" I asked.

"Bastard!" she spat.

Natasha was one of the sexiest girls I'd ever known. All the guys in our acting troupe worshipped her. And all of us knew she was totally out of our league.

"I've got to make him jealous," she said, under her breath. "It would kill me if he thought I wasn't having more fun without him. Kiss me!"

"What?" I queried.

"You're an actor, aren't you?" she hissed, throwing her arms around me and pressing her lips to mine.

My heart pounded in my chest at the excitement of having her gorgeous face pressed against mine. Her lips were soft and warm against my own.

I was damned if I wasn't going to take full advantage of this opportunity. I lay back on the bench and pulled her on top of me, parting my thighs and grabbing her round soft butt cheeks. Her soft braless breasts were squashed against my t-shirt clad chest. I opened my mouth and insinuated my tongue into hers.

After a while she pulled herself away and sat back up. The guy was gone.

"Wow!" she exclaimed, re-adjusting her clothing. "Talk about method acting! You even had a boner!"

"Believe me, Natasha," I told her with a smile. "Stanislavski had nothing to do with that."

"Really?" she asked, with a cheeky smile and a raised eyebrow.

The opening night of our relationship took place that evening at her digs and it promises to run longer than Phantom of the Opera.

The End