Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

New E-Book : Transylvanian Roulette

Vampires are all the rage these days, though they are not always the kind of vampires I grew up watching on late night television. Back then vampires were characters in horror movies rather than serious prospects for romance. And none of them were wimpy enough to show signs of reluctance about drinking a maiden's blood and condemning her to the hell of living death.

Back in 2000 I wrote a vampire story called Transylvanian Roulette for a friend of mine who was a big fan of the Anita Blake series of novels by Laurell K. Hamilton. But it was more of a love letter to Bram Stoker and the Hammer horror films, such as Brides of Dracula and The Vampire Lovers, which I've always loved.

Of course, being one of my stories, it is also a parody, and it's pretty smutty.

I've now published it as an ebook at Smashwords. It'll go up on Amazon soon.

Here is the free sample :

"Before you kill me," said the old man, "let me tell you how I got this way."

Funny how vampires suddenly want to stop for a chat when you have a sharpened stake jabbed into their ribcage. What the hell, I thought, I might as well humour him.

The story he told me made me realise that this was going to be a case that Nicole would be interested in. Nicole is the supernatural affairs editor for "World's Most Dangerous Sex Acts" magazine, and we have worked together many a time.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Van Helsing, David Van Helsing. All right, so you've never heard of me, unless maybe your a reader of the previously mentioned magazine, but I bet you've heard of my old great grand-daddy, the great Professor Van Helsing. Well, I'm in the same line of work, killing vampires, and other supernatural creepy-crawlies. The only difference is I sometimes like to fuck them first. Call it a penchant, call it an eccentricity... All right, call it down right perverted if you like, but I like to get me a little monster pussy from time to time. Once I even sucked a Fuckubus, er, I mean, fucked a Succubus. Doesn't mean I'm soft on the critters. Hell, no. I always kill them afterwards. Not only does that rid the world of some mighty dangerous creatures, but it makes sure no monster kids turn up on my doorstep in ten years time calling me Daddy.

Many a time Nicole has come along with me on one of these adventures to record the event for posterity. I could write the story myself but who'd believe me. Nicole is my expert witness, and she takes photos. And, all right, sometimes she saves my ass when I get myself in too deep.

You could say she plays Dr. Watson to my Sherlock Holmes.

Of course Sherlock Holmes and Watson never fucked. Or at least if they did, Watson never wrote about it in the stories. Nicole and I, on the other hand, fuck like bunny rabbits whenever we are on a mission together. Danger will do that to you. Either that, or it'll make you piss your pants. It can go either way.

"It all happened about six months ago, when I was making my way home from the pub in the early hours of the morning," the old man explained. Of course he was speaking in Romanian, this being Transylvania and all, but I'm translating it here for your benefit. "I was making my way through the pass in the mountains when thunderclouds started piling up in the sky and I could tell that the downpour would occur any moment. I had to find shelter. The only place nearby was the old castle. I knew that some folks held it to be haunted, but not being the superstitious kind, I went up to the front door. I found it ajar. I knocked but there was no answer, so I entered hoping to at least keep the rain off, even if I couldn't find a bed for the night. I found the place deserted. Wherever I looked, upstairs and down, I saw not a soul. Eventually I decided that if the castle was not occupied there would be no harm in me sleeping in one of the beds. The linen smelt a little stale, but it would at least be warm. I found a small servants bedroom under the stairs and decided to use it. In case the owner of the castle should turn up unexpectedly I thought it would be best to be found in the servant's quarters.

"Getting undressed I crawled into the small bed. I slept only fitfully in this strange environment, and at some time after midnight I was awoken by the sound of footsteps in the corridor outside. They seemed to be coming closer.

"I pulled my head under the bedclothes and tried to pretend to be lump in the mattress.

"'Greetings, traveller," came a smooth seductive female voice from the doorway, indicating that my attempts at concealment had been unsuccessful. "I thought that I would just come up and see if there was anything I could do to make your stay a little more comfortable.'

"'Something about the way that she said 'come up' instead of 'come down' made me a little uneasy. The main bedrooms were upstairs. All that was down stairs was the cellar.

"When I finally got up the courage to stick my head out from under the blankets, I found that I was being addressed by one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. She was tall and slim with snow white skin and ebony hair that fell freely to her waist. Her eyes were emerald green and held me with a look that made me want only to do her bidding, whatever that might be. She was dressed only in a gossamer thin night gown of antique design which being nearly transparent did nothing to conceal the rosy red nipples that tipped her milky breasts or the wild growth of jet-black pubic hair that decorated the area between her defiantly spread legs.

"As my eyes ran up and down her gorgeous body my cock stiffened and stood up beneath the bedclothes. She noticed this and her eyes focussed on the place where the blankets were rising circus-tent-style.

"'Show me your cock,' she ordered, letting me know that I was to be her love-slave.

"I threw back the covers and unveiled my manhood. I liked the way she smiled as she looked at it. What I didn't like was the thin trails of drool that were seeping from the edges of her mouth. There was something unnatural about this woman. But her hypnotic eyes and the snake-grace with which she moved her hips entranced me. As she strode towards me I could almost feel in advance the rough carress that her forest of pubes would give my upper thigh. Sure enough she lifted a long white gossamer-shrouded leg and straddled my left leg. I could feel her wetness trickling over my thigh and dampening the sheet below. A pale, deathly cold hand wrapped itself gently around the hot hardness of my stiff cock, and she bent slowly to take it in her mouth. It was when I felt her long wet tongue encircle my prick that I realised that she was not human. By then I didn't care.

"I have a rather large cock," the old man explained, starting to pull down his pants.

"That's O.K." I reassured him. "I'll believe you."

"Anyway, no woman could ever fit the whole of it in her mouth," he told me. "But this woman, or thing, made love to the whole of my cock. Not just that, but my balls as well. She didn't take it into her mouth. Her mouth came to it. She had a tongue like a snake's tongue, only thicker and wetter. It slithered out of her mouth and down in circles around my cock, dripping saliva as it went. When the whole of my cock was wrapped in her wet tongue and the tip of it was tickling my balls, she started to wank me off with it. It was the best blow-job I'd ever had. No human could give a blowjob like that.

"And she wasn't a human. She was a vampire. Once she had me in her spell, she made no attempt to hide her fangs. I could see the razor sharp ivory carressing the purple veins of my cock lovingly.

It's only $2.99 to download the ebook.


  1. This has a very sexy feel to it. Also "sucked a Fuckcubus" made me giggle. Congratulations for getting it published. I wish I was near publishing with my "novel thingy". I'm trying to find help, but am nowhere near anyone who can help me.

    Also, the blow job at the end was hottttt!!

  2. What kind of help do you need? I'm always ready to read and make suggestions. When it comes to the actual publishing, I have a friend do that for me.

  3. I need to know what I can do with my Little Stories. I've been thinking about sending them in to a publisher. Either that, or go through the painstaking process of translating them all into Dutch and finding a publisher here.

    I have so many ideas, but I can't seem to filter them.

    I want to make the Elin/Jase saga into a bigger story, but I have no fucking clue how to.

    Another thing, I am well sick today... They might not do my gastric bypass on Thursday if I remain this sick. I've got the "lurgee" as the great Mr Spike Milligan would say.

  4. I would have thought that translating them into Dutch would be more trouble than it would be worth as you would be aiming them at a limited market.

    The main thing is to get all of your ideas down so that you can do something with them at a later stage if you see a way of doing it.

    As for putting the stories together in a longer form, don't forget you can use flashbacks if you have incidents which don't fit into the direct flow of a story.

    You don't actually need a publisher to put out an ebook. Using Smashwords you can fairly easily do it yourself. The only thing is that a fair slice of income would go to the U.S. tax department.

    But, if I were you I'd get someone else to read through any manuscript before you publish it as an ebook, because none of us writers tend to pick up on our own typos etc.

    Get well soon! And that's an order! :o)