Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sexy Occupation - Maid or House Cleaner

The windows are only one part of the house that need cleaning. The next of our sexy occupations is the maid or cleaner who probes every intimate nook and cranny of the house. She (or he) gets up close and personal with the places we have sex, the places we have sat our naked bottoms and sees any clues about our sex lives we may have inadvertently left lying around - the vibrator, the porn stash or the crotchless panties. And a fetishistic male cleaner, if unscrupulous, might take unnatural advantage of a lady's panty draw. It is hard to imagine a maid doing the same with a gentleman's y-fronts, but even that may be known to happen.

The French maid, particularly, has been an erotic archetype since the 1800s. In a more hierarchical, class-oriented society, maids were very subservient and there was no hope of suing an employer for sexual harassment. The reality of this situation may not have always been very pleasant for the maids, but it does provide a scenario that is often highly erotic as a fantasy for both men and women. And maids (along with butlers) were always perfect characters for a sex farce, with wives always on the verge of catching their husbands pants down with the home help.

But recently house cleaning has become sexy in a new way with the invention of nude or near nude house cleaning services, both female and male. There is no need to go to a strip club in order to perve at a hot nude sex object. You can do it in your own home and avoid having to do your own dusting and vacuuming into the bargain.

Recently I read a very sexy ebook on this very topic. Kendall Swan's Naked Housecleaning is a deliciously playful romantic fantasy about a college girl who cleans for a handsome, wealthy and somewhat eccentric young gentleman. When he offers to pay her three times as much if she cleans in the nude she is not sure what to think - the idea arouses her, but she worries that this amounts to prostitution. Her qualms are soon swept aside however and she finds that cleaning nude for a sexy man unleashes a very naughty side to her personality.

I've always found the idea of casual female nudity a big turn-on. Nudists claim that nude living is not an especially erotic thing, but for me the sight of a woman doing everyday things - gardening, ironing, cleaning, cooking, working out, etc. totally naked is somehow very erotic, so the idea of a naked cleaning lady is definitely a very appealing fantasy.

But what about the idea of being a nude cleaner for a female clientele? Well, in reality I'm a slob who avoids cleaning when possible, and with my physique the only way I'd get to work nude is by offering a massive discount for the privilege. But let's leave reality behind. In an ideal world it might go something like this :


I'd been working for Clobber-Free Cleaners for only two weeks when I met up with Dora. Most of the women I worked for just quietly watched me as I cleaned their house naked. Afterwards they might make me a cup of tea and we'd have a friendly chat. With Dora it was different, she took an evil glee in having a defenceless naked man at her mercy. I felt like a mouse being played with by a tiger cub.

I should have seen the warning signs on my first visit when I noticed an enormous purple vibrator sitting on the television in the lounge room looking for all the world like a decorative ornament. I lifted it gingerly to dust the top of the set. It felt a little sticky.

"Oh, how embarrassing!" cried Dora. "I forgot I left that there." She grabbed it out of my hand, standing uncomfortably close as she did so. "There was a George Clooney movie on the telly last night," she added with a wink.

There are no hard and fast rules about how we are to speak to the customers. The only rules are that there should be no physical contact more intimate than a handshake. Personally, I think it lends an air of class to come on a little posh, so I always refer to my clients as "madame".

"I don't think you should really be doing that, madame," I said, on my second visit, when Dora came up behind me and began to gently stroke my right thigh while fondling my left buttock and nibbling my left ear lobe.

"I don't think you really mind," she teased. "If you did you would tell me to stop. You wouldn't be all 'I don't think you should really be doing that'." She actually did quite a good impersonation of my manner, I have to give her that.

"I'm sure madame is just trying to be affectionate," I replied, "but my only interest is in upholding the reputation of Clobber-Free Cleaners by doing the most thorough job I can in removing dirt and grime from your domicile."

"I really don't think that that is your only interest," she responded, "or else your cock wouldn't be standing out all big and stiff and dripping precum all over my bedside stand."

"Oh, I am sorry ma'am," I spluttered, grabbing a Kleenex to wipe up the mess. I looked down at my stiff cock and muttered "Traitor!" under my breath.

"I like your cock," said Dora. "He's on my side."

Luckily I was nearly finished for the day, so I was able to escape before things could get really unethical.

From that time on I never knew what Dora might do next and the erotic tension was so strong that my cock would be erect before I even came through the door and stripped off and would stay that way the whole time. On the up side, it did give me somewhere to hang my dust cloth. But when Dora caught me doing the vacuuming with the skirting board attachment stuck over my dick for later use she yelled at me for not being fully nude.

Of course she would take the opportunity to parade around in all kinds of skimpy clothes, bending over front ways so I could see her cleavage and bending over the other way so I could see the ripe curve of her butt.

Then one day, just as I was coming out of the bathroom after cleaning it, she appeared in a skimpy towelling robe and pushed past me, accidentally on purpose brushing my cock with the back of her hand, and started to run a bath.

"Come in here, will you?" she called out a couple of minutes later.

When I entered the bathroom I saw that she was sitting naked in the tub covered in soap. She had a stern look on her face.

"You left a smudge on the mirror," she said, pointing at it. "Clean it off now."

As I ran a cloth over the mirror, I watched her reflection. She'd slid her right hand down between her legs and was clearly masturbating.

"You're watching me, aren't you?" she teased. "Well, I don't care what you think. It's my pussy and I'll wash it as fast as I like."

"It is my opinion," I said, turning towards her, "that madame is a dirty little slut."

"Well, you are under contract to clean everything in my flat," she smiled. "I have a dirty cunt that needs cleaning and it looks like you have just the perfect utensil to do the job."

She reached over the edge of the tub and grabbed my cock with her soapy hand and tried to pull me into the bath with her, but it slipped through her sudsy fingers. "Oh, bugger me," she cursed.

"Madame will have to make up her mind which service she wants first," I laughed.

In response, Dora stood up and pulled her creamy wet bum cheeks apart to display the rosebud that lay between them. "Clean this with your tongue!" she giggled.

"Just don't tell the agency about this," I told her, as I stepped over the side of the tub and took her in my arms.

"Because you'd get fired?" she asked.

"No," I said, giving her playful smack on the ass. "Because all the guys will want to work for you."

The End

1 comment:

  1. @Aussiescribbler - Lusting while dusting is GREAT! Get that sucker up on Amazon and Smashwords so I can buy it and show you some real support!

    And those links are hilarious. I literally did not know that existed anywhere other than my mind. Too funny!

    Thanks so much for the mention and the follow!
    'Preciate it.