Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Sexy Occupation : Window Cleaner

Back in the 70s, when I was just a lad, there were a series of books and films that related the clumsy sexual adventures of a British working class everyman by the name of Timothy Lea. The first book was The Confessions of a Window Cleaner. Although Timothy Lea was listed as the author, it was actually written by Christopher Wood (who would later go on to write the scripts for two James Bond films - The Spy Who  Loved Me and Moonraker).

There where 19 Timothy Lea books and 4 films. In most of the books Timmy followed a particular profession. By turns he was a window cleaner, a driving instructor, a travelling salesman, a long distance lorry driver, a film extra, etc. Wood also wrote a similar series about Rosie Dixon, who was a night nurse, gym instructor, tour guide, babysitter, etc.

Recently I've been reading a lot of the Timothy Lea books, which are very funny, if rather politically incorrect by modern standards, filled as they are with rampant sexism and tasteless racial humour. What is most fun about them, though, is the slang - as Timmy's adventures lead to lots of encounters between his "spam ram" and his horny female customer's "spasm chasms". Here is a sample from Confessions of a Plumber's Assistant (1975) :

"As our lips stack, my right hand drops into her lap and starts to interfere with her under-clothing. Nothing to get you pulled up in front of the beak for finger smuggling but a soft, rhythmic carress ruckling her panties and rippling over her short and curlies. She starts to say something else but I kiss her silent and quickly slip my hand inside the blue lace. Percy is quivering like a tuning fork activated by a steam hammer and as I send a couple of cuticled hombres riding into love gulch Mrs Richmond presses back against her chair and shoots out her parted legs."

This gave me the idea of doing a series of posts on the humorously erotic possibilities of various occupations. Over the years I've written a number of stories which do this - Nicki the Naughty Nurse, Inappropriate Behaviour (about a psychiatrist), School Daze with Maria (about a teacher) and What Do You Want for Christmas? (about a store Santa who moonlights as a stripper). So I'll highlight all those occupations and more. But I thought I'd start with Timmy Lea's first occupation - window cleaner.

Cleaning windows isn't a glamorous occupation, but it allows for plenty of erotic possibilities. The voyeur never knows what intimate delights may reveal themselves on the other side of the glass. A window washer who serves private clients may meet up with the archetypal frustrated house wife. And a fit window cleaner in a wet transparent singlet can easily be a lust object for the ladies.

All of these possibilities were covered in the movie of Confessions of a Window Cleaner (1974), which was directed by veteran Val Guest (The Quatermass Xperiment (1955)). Guest and Wood collaborated on the script. Timmy (Robin Askwith) is working for his shifty brother-in-law Sid (Anthony Booth) in the window-washing business. He sees some exciting sights through the windows he is washing - a girl lounging nude, randy schoolgirls in the shower, a pair of window dressers getting frisky, etc. But Timmy is inexperienced sexually, so Sid decides to help him out by introducing him to a friendly stripper. They make out in the dressing room, but, as will be the trend, things don't go as they are supposed to. Later Timmy will have a very soapy encounter with a nymphomaniac, get caught doing nearly nude yoga with a client's au pair, have to hide naked under a tiger skin rug and will help a weepy girl to make her lover jealous by jumping into bed with her. One of his more interesting encounters occurs when he returns to the home of the woman who caught him with her au pair. She is a middle aged clean freak, but when she gets him to change a light bulb in the coal cellar and he falls into the coal heap, accidentally ripping her dress off as he does, she gets turned on by how dirty he is and insists that, in order to keep from getting her house dirty he must strip naked and let her give him a bath. Poor Timmy runs for his life, but personally I would have played along. Timmy also falls in love, with Elizabeth, a young policewoman played by sex goddess, Linda Hayden (The Blood on Satan's Claw (1971)), who would return in Confessions from a Holiday Camp (1977) playing a different character. Timmy's family are horrified that he is going out with an officer of the law, especially as his dad's chief hobby is stealing things from the lost property office where he works. The story leads up to Timmy's wedding to Elizabeth, but it is no spoiler to say that it all goes awry.

Robin Askwith as Timothy Lea.

Linda Hayden as Elizabeth.

Trivia : Confessions of a Window Cleaner was the highest grossing British film of 1974. Anthony Booth is the father of Cherie Blair, wife of ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

An Erotic Story about Window Cleaners

A very hot tale of exhibitionism, voyeurism and masturbation.

Let me know what you think are the sexiest occupations for men and for women.

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