Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Pubic Record : Wank Wednesday


Today's Wank Wednesday prompt word is #tangle. For more information on this writing challenge, and to find links to the other stories, check out Ruby Kiddell's Erotic Notebook.

The Pubic Record



I've been working for the Guinness Book of Records for ten years now. Every workday I travel around watching people eat a massive number of hotdogs or build a ten foot high house with playing cards, or else I'm counting their collection of vintage Coca Cola bottle caps. But I never thought I'd end up in the record books myself. This is how it happened.

I received a call from a woman who said she thought she had broken a record. But she wouldn't tell me what the record was over the phone. She said I wouldn't take her seriously unless I saw it for myself.

"What the hell?" I thought. I get paid whether the record is a legitimate one or not. I'm just the verifier.

When I knocked on the door it was opened by a pretty little redhead in her mid thirties. She was just my kind of lady, plump with big titties. She was wearing denim shorts and a pink t-shirt that said "I'm a bad, bad girl." She greeted me with a cheeky smile.


"I'm glad you decided to come," she said. "My name is Denise. You won't be disappointed."

"I'm sure I won't," I replied, looking at the way the letters on her t-shirt were stretched out of shape by her  round boobs.

I'd brought my full bag of measuring implements as I wasn't sure what I was going to be verifying. I put it down on a chair in the kitchen when she offered me a cold can of soda out of the fridge.

"Well, I better show you, I suppose," she shrugged as I sipped on the cool drink.

Before I knew what was happening, she unzipped her shorts and pulled them and her panties down over her plump legs.

I was so taken aback that I sat down on my instrument bag. There was a loud crunch as many of the instruments it contained broke beneath me.

"I've been cultivating my pubic hair for several years now," Denise told me. "It isn't easy. You have to cut off just enough to encourage it to keep growing."

I'd never seen anything like it. It looked like Billy Connolly had just poked his head out of her cunt.


"I must admit I'm very impressed," I informed her. As she tugged nervously at her pubic jungle, I could see the pink slit beneath. Her pussy lips were wet and glistening. Exposing herself to me was turning her on. Her display was having a similar effect on me. The pith helmeted explorer in my pants was pressing against my fly in his urgency to uncover the secrets hidden within that wilderness.

"I think I have the longest pubes in the world," she declared.

"Let me get out my ruler and we'll see if we can confirm that," I suggested, standing up and looking into my bag. "Damn, I broke my ruler!" I cried, picking up the two separate pieces. "You wouldn't have a ruler, or a tape measure? I usually have a tape measure myself, but an elephant crushed it after I tried to measure his penis."

"Oh, dear," she said. "I hope you haven't come here for nothing." Then she turned around and bent over, looking into a cupboard under the sink. Her bare bum was big and soft and wobbly and it was all I could do to resist the temptation to go over and slap it playfully. I'm sure she didn't really need to wriggle it back and forth like that as she looked for a measuring implement. "I'm afraid I don't have anything," she sighed finally.

"Wait a minute," I replied. "I think I know what we can do." I moved the bag off of the chair and sat down to take off my shoes.

"Yes?" she asked, coming over and standing very close to me, so that her pubes were tickling my arm.


"My cock is exactly six inches long when erect," I informed her. "A peculiarity which I never thought would come in handy."

"And is your cock erect now?" she smiled saucily.

I stood up and dropped my trousers and boxer shorts.

"Oh, I see that it is," she nodded.

"Do you really think that a gorgeous woman like yourself can flash her juicy scarlet-tressed cunt at me without causing me to become rampantly aroused?" I asked.

"You think I'm gorgeous?" she queried with a big grin.

"Believe me," I replied. "I'm finding it very hard to remain professional at the moment in your intoxicating presence."

"So how are we going to do this measuring?" she asked, a little breathlessly.

"Perhaps if we go into your bedroom," I suggested. "You can lay down on the bed and spread your legs. We'll stretch your pubes out as far as they will go, and I'll measure them with my cock."

"That sounds like a plan," she agreed, leading the way, her big bum jiggling around in front of me in a way that made me groan with suppressed lust.

Once we were in the bedroom, Denise jumped onto the bed, rolled onto her back and spread her legs.

"O.K. Let's get started," I said, grabbing a bunch of her fiery wiry hairs and trying to find the longest ones. Once I'd done that I stretched them out onto the bedspread as far as they would go. Damn, there was Denise's pink pouting wet pussy staring me in the face. Her juices were leaking onto the bedspread.

Rosie from Girls Out West
"Measure me, Mr. Inspector," she grinned.

Once I had the ends of the longest strands of pussy hair, I reached around under my arse to hold them there and then lay down so that the length of my stiff cock lay along the hair. One cock. I held that spot with my fingers. Two cocks. At three cocks, the head my measuring implement was smearing pre-cum all over Denise's stiff clit.

"Mmmmmmmm, that feels divine," she sighed.

"Eighteen inches," I told her, my voice quivering a little. "I'm sure that's a record."

"Would it be unprofessional of you to slide that lovely stiff cock of yours deep into my record-breakingly hairy pussy?" she asked, biting her lip.

"That would be very unprofessional of me," I informed her. "Fucking your juicy hot wet pussy, while grabbing fistfuls of your big beautiful ass would be terribly unprofessional. As unprofessional as pulling  off your one remaining garment so that I can suck on your mouthwatering tits."

"I wouldn't want to ask you to do anything unprofessional," she said sadly as my cock continued to tease her clit. "But perhaps you could give the new record holder a tiny kiss of congratulation."

"I think that would be acceptable," I agreed, moving up to give her a peck on the lips.

"Whoops!" she cried. "Somebody's naughty prick has slipped right up inside my greedy little pussy."

"Let's just call it a workplace accident," I groaned as I grabbed her big soft ass cheeks and slammed my modestly proportioned pecker in and out of her hairy love nest.


Denise pulled off her t-shirt as I furiously fucked her.

"Play with my boobies! Play with my boobies!" she cried. I jiggled them and squeezed them, and when I gently pinched her nipples she squealed in delight.

She was wriggling around ecstatically beneath me as I ground myself into her, pushing my cock as deep into her pussy as it would go.

"I'm cumming!" she screamed, and I could feel her juices washing over my bouncing balls.

"Oh, God!" I shouted as I spurted several jets of hot jism in her steamy depths.

"That was awesome," she grinned as I began to pull away.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" we screamed in unison. All that grinding had turned our intermingled tangle of pubic hair into a net of knots. We were tied together at the crotch.

We tried to pull ourselves apart, but it was too painful. If we could get a pair of scissors we could cut ourselves apart, but that would mean getting up off of the bed and we couldn't coordinate ourselves to do that without also causing pain. If there were a mobile nearby we could have called 911. But there wasn't.

"I've got a flat mate," Denise explained. "But she is travelling at the moment. She won't get back until Thursday."

We were stuck together like that for 125 hours. When Denise's flatmate cut us apart on Thursday, we were seriously dehydrated and very hungry. We had fucked a total of 51 times.

That's how I ended up in the Guinness Book of World Records as holder (along with Denise) of the record for the longest instance of coitus non interruptus.

The End

2 comments:

  1. I should know better than to read your articles at work. The second day on a new job. In a room full of forty or so people (actually a few had left for the day already). And I sprayed diet coke on my new keyboard. Workplace accident. Gives a new meaning to the term. God bless Guinness.

    Thank you for a hilarious afternoon. I'll just let them all think I'm a little crazy. Why else would I be laughing so hard at a project plan...

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  2. Thanks, Erika. That's why they use the term "not safe for work" I suppose. :oP

    ReplyDelete