Forum Rejects is a collection of letters which Tom Nardone wrote to Penthouse magazine. He decided that it would be funny to write deliberately bad erotic letters and see what happened. Would they be accepted as curiosities? Would they be rejected? It was the literary equivalent of making prank phone calls. But with a prank phone call you know how it has been received. Nardone never found out how his letters were received. He never received any feedback. But now he has dug out those old letters and put them out in ebook form. So we can all share the fun and laughs that may or may not have been brought to the editors of Penthouse by Nardone's special brand of humour.
The book (which is available for free from Smashwords) contains ten letters, all ostensibly written by different characters - 1 woman and 9 men. Each takes a different approach to the idea of the unerotic "erotic letter", from sexual incompetence to gross out to insane forms of description. My favourite is the second letter Louise at the Circus :
"In the 80's I thought that the curve of my television screen was about as curved as Louise's stomach. This was handy because I rented a lot of porn movies and whenever they zoomed in on the woman stomach I felt the curve of the screen and the stomach matched really well. It would get me very hot. I'll never get one of those flat TV's. I don't care if the resolution is better."
"Her breast weren't like fat elephants at all. The skin was much smoother than I imagined. It was like they were made from two half bowling balls but they were the consistency of jell-o. I massaged those jell-o semispherical bowling balls while Louise moaned like a broken vacuum cleaner."That letter had me laughing so hard I practically choked, and the rest are nearly as funny.