Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The Doll Squeaks : Wank Wednesday



Another Wednesday. Another serving of smut. For all the info on Wank Wednesday check out Ruby Kiddell's blog The Erotic Notebook. Make sure to read all the other great entries and give encouragement to all the sexy folks who contribute.

The Doll Squeaks



Jerry knew what kind of shop it was. He'd only been living in the upstairs flat for three days, but he'd seen the neon sign over the car park on the building's other side. "Cut Price Carnality" it flashed in bright pink neon.

They didn't have anything like that in the town of Cow Pat Falls where Jerry had grown up. But he had heard tell of such places. Jerry knew that in the big city every sinful thing you could possibly imagine was not only being done, but being photographed and filmed being done. And people were doing to electrical devices things that it wasn't even proper to do to other human beings. And sex shops were the centre of it all.

Jerry had come to the big city because he was sick of being Amish. He wanted to watch television and maybe even drive a motor car. 

But he wasn't so sure about sex. In Cow Pat Falls sex had been about the only thing to do once the farming day was finished. At least that's what his friends had told him. But Jerry was painfully shy. He'd kissed a girl once, but she was unconscious at the time, having been kicked in the head by a mule, so he wasn't sure that that really counted.

The shop was run by Mrs. Lawrence, Jerry's landlady, a widow aged about 47. She was an attractive redhead, a little on the plump side, he thought, who always seemed as if she was laughing at him on the inside. It was nothing obvious but she seemed to have that almost imperceptible curl of the lip or lift of the eyebrow that made him feel she took him for a fool.

By some coincidence it was the evening of Jerry's eighteenth birthday when he came home and found the padlock to the inside door to Mrs. Lawrence's shop unlatched. He'd been looking for a job, and once more he'd failed to find anything.

Being, by nature, an honest lad, Jerry thought about simply shutting the padlock. But maybe Mrs. Lawrence was in the shop doing some late night stock-taking he thought.

So he took off the padlock and pulled open the latch. It came back with a loud squeak. The door also squeaked as he pulled it open. All was dark within.

Jerry looked along the corridor to Mrs. Lawrence's room and saw a light coming from under the door. That must be where she is, he thought. And then the light went off. She must have retired for the night.

He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he just couldn't help himself. He walked through the door into the shop, closed it behind him and turned on the lights.

Walking around the premises, Jerry took it all in wide-eyed. He imagined what all of those skimpy pieces of lingerie would look like on the bodies of women. There were crotchless panties here and nipple-revealing bras there. And a big rack full of plastic cocks and vaguely cock-shaped multi-coloured gadgets. And then there were all the magazines and DVDs - all of them wrapped in plastic - their covers depicting women with massive breasts and guys with huge stiff cocks engaged in every kind of sexual activity.

At first Jerry's mind was fully occupied in taking in all of this sexual excess. But then he found himself thinking about Mrs. Lawrence. She spent every day in this shop. It was her establishment. She had handled all of those plastic cocks. She'd seen all of these really filthy pictures. And she thought it was all O.K. The more he thought about this, the more he felt his cock swell and stiffen in his pants. He'd never thought about her in a sexual way before. When she had seen him about the flat she had been wearing loose-fitting jean shorts and a t-shirt advertising Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats. He liked her. She was friendly and not dour like so many of the older people from his home town. But she was five years older than his mother.

Now she was clearly asleep for the night, and Jerry could do whatever he wanted. It was a very hot night, and his cock was feeling cramped in his jeans, so he decided to take off all of his clothes.

Soon he was wandering around the shop completely naked with his stiff cock wagging back and forth in front of him.

He'd never seen a girl naked before, so the first thing he did was to pick up a copy of Hustler and carefully undo the sticky tape so that he could slip it out of its plastic bag. He sat himself down in the seat behind the cash desk, thinking about the fact that his arse and balls were resting right where Mrs. Lawrence sat her bottom all day, and began flipping through the pages, drinking in all the details of each luscious nude female body and he stroked his hard cock and felt the slick river of pre-cum run down over his fingers.

Towards the back of the magazine he saw an ad for an inflatable sex doll.

"I wonder if Mrs. Lawrence has one of those?" he asked himself, and set off to look.

It wasn't long before he found a pile of boxes over to the side of the shop which had pictures of just such dolls on them. So he tore open one of the boxes and found that it contained, not just a deflated doll, but also a foot pump to blow it up with.



The foot pump squeaked quite loudly, but Jerry was beyond caring. He was sure that Mrs. Lawrence was sound asleep.

Once the doll had taken on its proper shape, Jerry lay it down on the floor, spread its balloon legs and slid his throbbing pre-cum-lubricated cock deep into its pseudo-vagina.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Such was the sound caused by Blow-Up Barbie's butt rubbing against the carpet as the caress of her rubber vagina sent paroxysms of pleasure through Jerry's happy knob.

"Well, well, well," came a familiar voice from the doorway. "For a moment there I thought I had mice."

"It's not what it looks like!" cried Jerry, rolling over and clutching Barbie's buttocks so hard that they burst. And so he found that he was trying to cover himself with a pile of deflated plastic.

"How could it be anything but what it looks like?" asked Mrs. Lawrence. "It can't be an act of performance art, because there is no audience, or wasn't until I got here. Do you know how much those dolls cost?"

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Lawrence," Jerry whimpered.

"Call me Tamsin," she replied, smiling indulgently. Jerry noticed that she was wearing a towelling bathrobe that came down to her dimpled knees.

"I'll pay you back, Mrs... Tamsin," he pleaded.

"You do realise that I could just ring the police?" she asked, but he could tell from the way she was on the verge of giggling at his predicament that she wouldn't. "I've never had a handsome, horny nude young man completely at my mercy before."

"At your mercy?" Jerry queried.

"If the police arrested you you would probably end up getting community service," she explained. "So let's just cut out the middle man. I'm part of the community. You can serve me. Now stand up and drop the merchandise."

Jerry stood with his hands cupped over his still rampantly rigid cock.

"I bet you think I'm a dirty old lady," she told him as she ran her hand appreciatively over the taught bulging muscles of his shoulders, back and buttocks.

"Well," replied Jerry, "you are a lot older than me. And you do have a lot of dirty things around here..."

"Do you like dirty old ladies?" she asked, pushing his hands away from his cock. "Oh, I see that you do." She smeared pre-cum all over her hand and then slid it up and down his prick appreciatively.

"I like that," he told her.

"Good," she smiled. "You know I wouldn't really blackmail you into fucking me. But catching you being naughty was such a delightful surprise."

"I don't have to fuck you?" he asked, puzzled.

"I'm sure that's a relief for you," she responded, continuing to wank his hard cock and fondle his buttocks. "I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

Jerry pulled away from her and stood looking at her for a moment. Then he reached out and undid the belt around her robe and pulled it open. Underneath she wore a black silk nightie which reached a few inches above her knees. Jerry reached out and began fondling her full, soft and somewhat droopy breasts through the thin material.

"That's what I want to do," he confessed. "I've never felt a girl's breasts before."

"I'm hardly a girl any more, but feel away," she responded, her eyes wide with delight. "What else have you never done with a lady?"

"I've never seen one naked before," he admitted, his heart beating wildly.

"Strip me naked, Jerry," she sighed, offering herself with arms spread wide.

He squatted down and grabbed the hem of her nightie and then stood up, lifting it up and over her head. She was wearing nothing underneath.

By now he had lost all of his inhibitions and stood openly masturbating as he gazed at her pale nudity. Her breasts hung low but their skin was silky smooth and her nipples were a deep raspberry colour, standing stiff as if yearning to be sucked. She had a slightly pot belly punctuated by the deep indentation of her navel, and below was a tangle of gingery hair with just a touch of grey. Her legs were shapely with just enough meatiness in the thighs to balance the swell of her belly.

"I never thought I'd have a young spunk wanking off to the sight of my nude body," she told him. "You really are a tonic to a dirty old lady. But I think we'd better fuck before you explode all over my freshly cleaned carpet. Let's go find a suitable novelty condom."

And with that she headed off across the shop with Jerry, still cock in hand, in hot pursuit. He loved the sight of her bare bum as she pranced happily about the shop because it was so round and soft and wobbly. From the back she looked like a walking bowl of pink jello, but he'd never wanted to stick his cock into a bowl of jello before.



"Extra thin and passionfruit flavoured," she cried. "Just perfect. Now bring that mouth-watering cock of yours over here."

She rolled the condom down his length and then licked and sucked it, much to his delight, until she had fully appreciated the condom's flavour.

"I've never had such an amazing birthday present," Jerry declared.

"It's your birthday?" Tamsin asked. "Well, quite right and proper that you should celebrate it in your birthday suit then. Now lay down on your back. I like to be on top."

Jerry lay down and Tamsin squatted over him slowly impaling her sopping wet pussy on his rigid cock. Then she began gyrating around and pumping herself up and down his length as she he grabbed her ass with both hands. The softness of her flesh rolled over his fingers.

"I love your bum," he sighed. "It's so soft and wobbly."

"A quality that no gym ever promises that it can deliver," she pointed out, shaking her head at this strange creature.

Tamsin began rubbing her stiff clit as she rode Jerry's cock and after a while she quivered, causing her boobs and belly to shake enticingly, and squirted warm liquid down over his balls. Then he thrust a couple more times and felt his cum spurt hotly into the condom.

"It's been almost five years since I last had a man," Tamsin admitted as they sat back gazing at each other's post-orgasmic glow. "Ironic to work in a sex shop but be getting no sex, hey?"

"Well, it's been a very happy end to a very sad day for me," Jerry explained. "There is nothing worse than spending your birthday alone searching for a job and not finding one."

"I think I have a job for you," Tamsin suggested. "I need someone to help me here in the store. Business is really taking off. And the women customers will love having a handsome hunk to help them with their choices. In fact, I think we might even institute Ladies Only Night on Wednesdays. And on that night you'll have a special uniform."

"What uniform?" he wanted to know.

"The one you are wearing now," Tamsin informed him with a suggestive wink. "Hard-on is optional... but definitely preferred. And all instances of sexual harassment by customers will be treated as tips."

She took him on a detailed tour of the store, during which he wouldn't stop fondling her bum.

"Wow! You have a lot of lube!" he pointed out. "What's that for?"

"Well," she explained, "apart from anything else, it lets a guy like you stick his cock in places it wouldn't easily go otherwise."

"Like where?" he wanted to know.

"Like here," she giggled, bending over and pulling her butt cheeks wide apart so that her pink butt hole winked at him.

"Can I try?" he asked enthusiastically.

"Are you kidding?" she grinned. "You can bugger me with your beefy boner any time."

He squirted cool gel all over his cock, which was now fully erect once more, and spread it with his hand. Then he squirted more in his hand and rubbed it all around Tamsin's rectum, sliding a slippery finger in and out to prepare the way. Then he grabbed her around the waist and slowly slid his prick all the way into her asshole until it clung lovingly around every inch and his balls slapped against her pussy.

"Oh!" cried Jerry. "What about a condom?"

"Don't worry," she replied. "I only used one before for novelty value. I'm too old to get pregnant and haven't had sex for five years. And you haven't had sex at all. I think we are safe for the moment."

The best part about fucking Tamsin in the ass was watching how it moved while he did. It was like the blob doing the watusi.

Jerry wasn't sure if she came from having his cock ramming into her ass or from rubbing her clit while he did it. But she moaned to a happy climax around the same time he launched a multitude of confused sperm cells up shit creek without a paddle.

"How do women fit such huge dildos and vibrators into themselves?" Jerry asked as Tamsin returned with a couple of beers from the fridge in the store kitchen. "Take that one. It's enormous."

"That's my thermos," Tamsin pointed out. "Though I probably could fit it in my cunt. A couple of kids have come out of there remember."

Which all led to a competition to see how many dildos and vibrators she could fit in her at once. The maximum was five small vibrators at once in her pussy. This was fine, but when Jerry suggested that she try again with the vibrators switched on, all hell broke lose. She lashed around like the giant squid from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea and a flying vibrator nearly took Jerry's eye out.



"I won the bet," she pointed out, once they had managed to retrieve all the errant vibrators. "Now you have to pay the forfeit."

"Forfeit?" he enquired.

"I want to watch you wank off until you shoot cum all over yourself," she told him. "Well, dribble cum on yourself anyway. After fucking me twice, I doubt if you have much left in you."

"Is that all?" he wanted to know. At the beginning of the evening it would have been a terribly embarrassing thing to do, but now he had no inhibitions left.

"I've never seen a guy do that in real life," she explained. "My husband was quite conservative. Every day I sell sexy magazines and DVDs to guys and I know that when they get them home they are going to whip out their cocks and beat off to them. But I never get to see it. Sometimes I've even wondered if I should put in a wacky booth just so I could drill a hole and peek at hot guys when they are pulling on their pricks."

And so it was that Jerry ended up squatting over Tamsin as she lay back on the floor. His hand was pulling the loose skin on his stiff prick up and down as he enjoyed the exquisite sensation of his sensitive balls caressing the velvet softness of Tamsin's belly flesh.

"Now, no squirting off over my face," she warned him as he held his cock up close for her to take in every detail of his wanton wanking.

"I'm a self-frosting birthday boy!" Jerry exclaimed as he leant back and shot several streams of hot cum up his belly. That he had so much left in him was a testament to just how arousing the evening had been for an innocent virgin boy from the country.

"Did someone say frosting?" cried Tamsin, pushing him onto the ground and leaping on him to lick and suck the fresh jism from his belly and now flaccid cock.



The next morning Jerry awoke to find himself in Tamsin's bed. The lady herself was happily sucking on his morning erection. This was far too arousing a discovery for Jerry not to immediately fill her mouth with cum.

"Cock Gobbler's Morning Wood Protein Shake," she said after swallowing the lot. "Breakfast of Champions."

"You really are a dirty old lady," declared Jerry, shaking his head.

"You're not kidding," she replied. "I'm such an old slut that I've decided not to put on any clothes at all when I go to work in the shop today. And I'm going to offer to suck off every good looking guy who comes in. For free."

"If you do that you'll get arrested," he pointed out.

"You're going to have to help me," she pleaded. "The only thing that will save me from getting arrested is if you spank all the naughtiness out of me."

She rolled over in his lap and bared her wobbly pink bottom.

He began slapping her bum forcefully. Watching all the ripples and counter ripples run back and forth was so delicious that it made his cock begin to throb once more.

"And if you think that I look like I'm tempted to do something deliciously criminal during the day," she suggested, "tell me that if I don't behave myself you won't fuck me hard with your big cunt-pleasing cock a the end of the day."

Jerry had known before he came to the city that it was filled with wicked women, but it had never occurred to him that keeping a lid on the wickedness of one of them would become his personal responsibility.

He spanked and spanked and spanked away at his landlady's fabulously flabby bottom.

And she didn't let out a single squeak. She let out several grunts, a bunch of snorts and repeatedly squealed like a porker meeting its maker. But she didn't squeak.

The End

Cumming Soon : Tam and Jerry - The Squeakquel

4 comments:

  1. Aussi! You are genius!
    Loving the description of the shop owner... just so shameless and fun & you got me with "having been kicked in the head by a mule"
    Once again a champion of words! -x-

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, Scrib! I look forward to your entries every week. Is there really a sequel in the works? I'd love to read one.

    I'd fuck Jerry. And Tamsin. The dirty little wench.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for the lovely comments.

    How about this as an idea for a sequel - Dalide (barenakedlady) visits Cut Price Carnality on Lady's Only Night to get herself a new vibrator and ends up getting fucked by Jerry while Tam sucks on her boobies? :o)

    ReplyDelete