Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

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Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Prime Traveller's Life : Thelma

This was intended to be the first of a series. And maybe it still will be. Let me know what you think.

There’s something about the universe. It’s just so universal. If you think about it (and I don’t recommend that you do) the universe can’t help but be a strange place, because everything strange is in it. Most of the time it makes no sense, and when it does make sense that’s even stranger, because there’s no reason why it should. In all the chaotic fields of energy, why should there be something as regular and dependable as matter? And amidst all of the dead matter why should some of it be alive? Among all the things that are alive why should there be some who are able to look out into the universe and realise that it makes no sense?

Recently something new has started to happen which makes sense but doesn’t make sense. A genetic mutation has made it possible, or rather unavoidable, for some individuals to travel instantaneous from one spot to another in space. That bit makes no sense. But there seems to be a purpose behind the phenomenon. Where the travellers travel is not random. They travel along an axis of sexuality. Imagine one of those weird machines they used to have in the old Frankenstein movies. An arch of electricity jumps between two electrodes, one negative and the other positive. In this case the opposites are greed and need. The possessors of this mutant gene have a tremendous appetite for sexual self-gratification. And it is this which causes them to be transported into the vicinity of members of the opposite sex who are either lonely or horny or both. Now you may be asking, “Aren’t greed and need pretty similar?” But what makes them opposites is that the greedy individual has a surfeit of what he wants, even if he is never satisfied, while the needy individual is not satisfied because they have none of what they want. 

Scientists refer to this process as “prime travelling” as the individuals on each end of the process are at their sexual prime - the age of 18 for males and 30 to 50 for females. Anyway, don’t worry too much about the particulars. You’ll pick it up as we go along.

The hero of our story is a genetic mutant named Theo. At the tender age of 18, Theo is a porn addict. At school he was shy and nerdy and nothing much has changed in the year since he left. If you met him on the street you would take him for a model citizen. He’s always polite and well-mannered. He doesn’t swear. 

But there is another side to his personality that the world doesn’t see. As soon as he moved out of his parent’s home into his own apartment a demon was let loose. With his new-found privacy he was able to indulge his hunger for porn to the full. Every night when he got home from his job stacking the shelves at the local supermarket, he would heat up a microwave meal and eat it at his computer. He’d start the evening with some reading, before his eyes got too tired. His favourite site was sandie's sexy stories. If there was a new story by her he would immediately throw off all of his clothes and get a firm grip on his cock. He would wank from the early hours of the evening right through until about 1.00 A.M. He’d bring himself to the brink and then stop and when the impulse to cum had died down he would start to stroke again. 

He could go on like that for an hour or two. Then he would let go and feel the hot cum squirt out of his thobbing cock and splatter all over his chest and sometimes even his face. When he’d had enough of the stories he searched for his favourite kinds of pictures or watched some of his favourite videos.
 What he loved best were blow job pictures and videos. 

He was still a virgin. He hadn’t had any kind of sex with a girl. But what he dreamed of was shoving his cock in and out of a girl’s mouth. And he loved to see a guy cum all over a girl’s face. To him the site of a pretty girl’s face, particularly one with braces, absolutely drenched in jism was the most beautiful thing in the world. The women whose bags of groceries he carried so politely at the store would never have suspected what Theo was like in his dreams, laying back naked on his bed, his stiff cock standing like a flagpole, yelling to a bunch of naked cheerleaders, “Last slut to suck my cock is a rotten egg!”

The first time that Theo travelled, the opposite pole was Thelma. She was a barmaid at the Banshee and Barnacle, Belfast.

“Cunts the lot of them,” she grumbled to herself, as she mopped up the spilled beer after closing time. She thought she’d had enough of men. They were always leering at her boobs and grabbing for her arse. It’s not that she minded the sexual attention, but they just wanted something for themselves. After her husband left her she’d tried sleeping with the customers, but they were mostly pigs who’d hump away for about three minutes and then keep her awake with their snoring all night.

“Ah if only it could be like it was for me and Hamish back in the glen,” she sighed as she undressed in her bedroom. “Now there was a lad who knew how to use his cock...and his tongue.”

Jennifer Steyn as Molly Bloom
Working the bar required that she dress in a fairly old-fashioned manner, clothes which took some getting out of. She unlaced the front of her bodice and shrugged it off. And then she released her 42 inch breasts from her rather functional bra. She undid the waistband of her skirt letting her full belly resume its normal shape. And down came her panties over her rather large buttocks. You could say she was Rubenesque, but unlike Rubens’ models she showed little sign of cellulite. There was a rounded firm youthfulness to her naked body which made her seem less than her 40 years.

Thelma slept nude and, as she lay back under the warm covers she remembered how Hamish had loved to parade his stiff cock in front of her. As soon as they had heated up the living room he would always throw off all of his clothes and tease her by doing various boring chores unclad. She would tease him about being a nudist. But then it wouldn’t be long before his cock gradually stiffened until he was walking around tiding the room with a massive erection bouncing in front of him. 

“How did that happen?” she would laugh, slapping him on the arse. 

“I’ve been thinking of you,” he smiled sweetly. “I’ve been thinking about you naked. I’ve been thinking about how you are going to beg for mercy when I fuck you senseless.”

“If only...if only...” Thelma whimpered, fingering her sopping wet cunt.

It was at this point that Theo travelled into Thelma’s bed. As you can imagine, this came as a bit of a shock for both parties, but it is part of the nature of the travelling process that both parties accept it in much the same way that we accept the strange logic of a dream. In fact, in Theo’s case, he did believe at first that he was dreaming. He’d been whacking off for three hours straight over so many sexually-charged images that this just felt like some kind of strange wet dream.

When she realised that there was a male body in the bed next to her, Thelma reached out and felt around. First she felt Theo’s chest, and then his knee, and then her hand grasped his stiff cum-slippery cock.

“Hamish?” she asked.

“The name’s Theo,” our hero replied, throwing back the sheets so he could get a good look at Thelma’s naked body. “Now why don’t you suck my cock, bitch?”

“I don’t think so, boyo!” she shouted angrily, thinking of her lecherous customers. “That cock of your is only good for one thing. Giving pleasure to my cunt!”

Scrawny Theo was no match for this dynamo of Irish womanhood. She stood up and pinned him to the bed with one foot. “Do you wanna cum, you piece of shit!” she spat.

“Yes,” Theo muttered, beginning to suspect that he’d wandered into someone else’s wet dream by mistake.

“O.K., then,” she said, her tone mellowing. “I don’t know how you turned up here, but now that you're here there is no reason why we can’t both have a good time. For the time being, why don’t you lay back there and relax while I do all the work.”

With that she squatted down over his stiff cock and, with a guiding hand, slid it into her sopping wet pussy. There was a squelch as she spread her thighs on either side of him and rode back and forth on this stiffness.

“Does that feel good?” She sighed.

“I’ve never fucked a woman before,” he admitted, with a dopey ecstatic grin.

“Well, you sure picked the right colleen to begin with, honey,” she grinned. “I’ll show you a thing or two.”

Red (from various sites)
“You’re even better than a cheerleader,” Theo told her as he watched her huge boobs swing back and forth. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“I think somebody came,” she laughed, rolling off of him so that his flaccid prick popped wetly out of her pussy. “But it wasn’t me.”

“Sorry,” said Theo.

“That’s O.K.,” she reassured him. “What if we make a deal. I’ll suck your cock for you, but first you have to give my pussy a thorough licking. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how.”

“I don’t know,” said Theo. “It’s full of my cum. That’s kind of gross.”

“Don’t be a wimp,” she chided him. “It won’t kill ya. And I’m gonna let you shoot loads of it into my mouth. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

She showed him where she liked to be licked and sucked. Swallowing some of his cum wasn’t a big deal. It just tasted salty. And he started to get a kick out the way he was making Thelma moan. It was a bit like playing a video game, hit the right spot and the buzzer went off. Eventually she clamped her thighs hard around his head and he felt warm liquid drench his mouth.

“Hey,” he spat. “You pissed on me.”

“That’s not piss,” she chuckled. “That’s just the stuff that means we’re in love. Now hands up, who wants their cock sucked?”

When she started sucking the dry cum and pussy juice off of his cock it was still flaccid from his first climax, but it didn’t take long to swell up in her mouth. She was an expert. She slurped up and down and ran the tip of her tongue around the rim of the helmet and over the sensitive eye. 

Her post-orgasmic feelings toward this young lad were protective, almost motherly, and she gently stroked his chest and brushed back the hair from his forehead as she sucked on his cock. Eventually he sighed and filled her willing mouth with his warm salty seed.

A few seconds later he disappeared. Thelma huddled up beneath her bedclothes feeling a warm glow that would help her to face the challenges ahead. And Theo ended up in his own bed wondering if such a weird experience would ever happen to him again.

The End

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