Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Prurient Pickles of Penelope : Episode Two

The idea for this serial was to come up with something I could write easily and quickly so that I could keep it going regularly. It's taken me more than a year to get to a second episode. Oh, well.

Episode Two

Hornier Consciousness

If Penelope was going to take full advantage of having her television idol Rod Stroker as a next door neighbour she was going to have to have a focussed mind.

She took her fluffy towel into her bedroom and placed it on the floor. As she sat down she loved the soft feeling of it against her bare bottom and the gentle caress of the warm breeze through her bedroom window as it caressed her widely spread wet pussy.

For several years now, she had been a student of a mystical practise called Horniyana Meditation. The aim was to connect with the universal erotic vibration of the universe.

First she picked up a moderate sized pink vibrator. Turning it on high she inserted it into her vagina. She was so wet that normally it would have popped right out again. To prevent this from happening, and in order to properly align her chakras, she crossed her legs into the lotus position, pressing the heal of one bare foot over the bottom of her buzzing toy.

She cleared her mind and let the light of creation illuminate her consciousness, as the waves of divine pleasure radiated out from her yoni to all parts of her physical being.

At first she would experience a series of orgasms, but as she learned to sit with her pleasure the cycle would become a constant. Orgasm was no longer a thing which happened. It was a place to be.

In this state the worldly boundaries, inhibitions and attachments would melt away. Sexual preferences were first perceived as limitations and then transcended. Penelope came to perceive that everyone was a point on the erotic matrix, and so the inherent sexiness of all her fellow humans was revealed to her as something irrespective of gender, physical appearance or age.

Through this spiritual practice, she became the earthly embodiment of the eternal sacred slut. She longed to bring enlightenment to all. She was not a woman of words or languages, but she knew that her tongue could speak the universal language of sexual pleasure. The problems of the world could be licked by licking. And there would be less men in the world who would act like pricks if she anointed their pricks with the love liquor leaking from between her labia.

Returning to this earthly realm she stood up and looked at herself in the mirror. It wasn't narcissism that made her gaze longingly at her bountiful breasts with their pert pink nipples, the soft curve of her pale belly, the neatly trimmed auburn curls which adorned the area above her large pink and puffy labia ("all the better to be sucked into your mouth and played with with your tongue" she would have told any prospective lover), or that made her wink at herself and smile in a cheeky way that wrinkled up her freckled nose. She was a part of the erotic matrix too, and this is what she was appreciating as she thought about how she would totally fuck herself if she had a cock. Even without one she would lick that lovely pussy of hers. But she wasn't a contortionist, so her self-love would have to be satisfied with masturbation.

The sad truth, of course, was that Penelope was ahead of the curve on this whole universal erotic consciousness stuff. She was a pleasantly plump thirty-year-old, more plain than pretty. Her main attractions were her warm heart and her curves. But few would give her a second look if they saw her walking down the street in jeans and t-shirt.

In her own mind though she was doing a slow striptease for an audience of 300 naked men. They were all stroking their stiff cocks. How could they not? And as she lay naked, legs spread wide, quivering in a self-induced orgasm, they took turns to shower her in the seminal tribute of their lust. And she giggled to herself as she thought what a good thing it was that the world was full of cum sluts like herself who would now come to lick her body clean with their tender pink tongues.

There was a whole world in need of succour and enlightenment. But the need was not equal. There were some who lived troubled stressful lives in the public eye with nothing to comfort them but empty materialism. People, for instance, who worked in the television industry, having to churn out episode after episode of a koala-themed family adventure series when deep down they longed to play Hamlet. Charity begins at home. Or if not at home then, at the very least, next door.

How will Penelope try to lure her lust-object Rod Stoker into an act of karmic copulation? Find out next time!

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