Dirty Discs : Girl-On-Girl Music by That's What She Said

Lesbians don't come any funnier or more musically versatile than Amy Turner and Kathryn Lounsbery, known collectively as That's What She Said Show. They use a broad range of musical styles to poke fun at New Age lesbian cliches. They began performing their live show in 2007 and Lounsbery has said :"To be honest, our audiences really haven't been lesbians. It happens to be about lesbians, but the themes are universal." Their first album, called Girl-On-Girl Music, came out in 2009.


Lesbian Cliche Song

Fanny Pack Lover


A laidback jazz song about a girl who keeps everything in her fanny pack.

Hey, you, listening to this recording, imagine these fingers tickling your overies...

Mixed Tape


What better way to express love for one's same sex love object than with a mixed tape? The song incorporates snatches of some of the most obvious songs to include on one.


Why Is My Right Wrong (A Response to Prop 8)


A lush catchy ballad that finds the ladies in more serious mood as they respond to intolerance towards the concept of same sex marriage.

First Date


A parody of Gilbert & Sullivan in the form of an extract from the operetta H.M. Lez Pinafore dealing with the subject of internet dating.


Lady Crust


A feminist anthem about the crustiness that unites women of substance from Helen of Troy to Peppermint Patty.


Country Clam


An old fashioned country song.

I sure loved her and I thought she loved me

But with my beer-goggles on I guess I couldn't see

She put the I in kitty but our love was such a pity

Cause you can't spell pussy without us 

Drink Her In


A sweet sad torch song about romantic regret.


Beavers


A rallying cry for lesbians everywhere.

Come on beavers build your dam

Make it dental or other

There's not much time

Grab your sister not your brother

Come on beavers build your dam

Take your sister's hand

Together we will forge the way

To a brand new flannel land

Can't you hear the cry

"Look out behind ya!

There's a vagina!"

I said, "Look out behind ya!

There's a pretty little lady vagina."

*                            *                             * 

Once a long time ago there was a guy named Winnie the Pooh

Who stood for all things innocent and pure

But there is a new girl on the horizon

With "poo" in her name but it ends with "tang"

Poontang! She eats the honey right out of the jar

Poontang! She gets lots of tail down at the bar

U-Haul Rap


The most popular joke about lesbians becomes a raunchy butt-shaking rap song.

Cat on the Prowl Theme Song

Gayheraid, the Lesbian Sports Drink

Buy the album, check out the website and follow the girls on Facebook.

King of the Crotch Operas - David F. Friedman RIP (1923-2011)

The name David F. Friedman won't get a mention in any academic course on the history of cinema and none of his films are ever going to get into one of those books of movies you must see before you die, but he brought entertainment to the masses in a way that Godard and Bergman couldn't. He was the first to admit that most of the films he produced were not very good, but he had fun making them and audiences kept coming back for more. At heart he remained the carny that he was before he got into the film business. He entertained by showing people things they had never seen on the big screen before, first nudity, then gore, and later sex. He was the Mighty Monarch of Exploitation, one of a merry band of confidence men (and women) who made up for their lack of skill in filmmaking by including in their films various salacious or shocking ingredients that mainstream Hollywood would not touch. But even more than the visuals in the films themselves what counted was the way they were sold. More was always promised than could possibly be delivered, but that was half the fun. Friedman's philosophy was that you "sell the sizzle not the steak". This is why he was not keen on the arrival of hardcore porn features which actually delivered on his false promises. To him this was poor business. But he did relent and produce some better than average hardcore porn features in the seventies and early eighties.

Friedman's cinematic output falls into a series of genres, each characterising a period in his career. After learning the exploitation film business while working for Kroger Babb, producer of the notorious sex education movie Mom and Dad (1945), with its then shocking birth of a baby sequence, Friedman teamed up with director Herschell Gordon Lewis in 1961 to make a nudie cutie called The Adventures of Lucky Pierre. While loops featuring cute girls cavorting nude had been popular in penny arcades and sold to collectors through the mail for years, it was Russ Meyer who established the nudie cutie feature as a new genre of motion picture in 1959 with The Immoral Mr. Teas. As with any hugely popular innovation, poor imitations of Meyer's work proliferated. Both Teas and Lucky Pierre consisted of a loosely connected series of corny gags featuring beautiful nude women. The spirit was that of burlesque theatre which had always mixed beautiful scantily clad women with low brow gags and slapstick. Friedman and Lewis followed up this very successful first collaboration with two nudist camp movies. One of the key tricks of the exploitation business was to use the pretence of education to justify the presentation of salacious material. Typically, the nudist camp films which proliferated in the early sixties presented serious, somewhat melodramatic, stories of individuals defending their right to nude recreation in the face of conservative members of their community who are worried that the local nudist camp was a front for some kind of depravity. Narration informed us of the emotional and physical benefits of getting our gear off in a communal setting. But the businessmen who snuck into "art cinemas" on their lunch break to lap up all that fascinating flesh were very unlikely to answer the siren call to nude living. The next Gordon/Friedman collaboration was a self-parody called B-O-I-N-G!!! which dealt with the misadventures of two sleazy filmmakers making a movie called "Nature's Nudnicks".

But, by 1963, audiences were starting to get bored with the nudie cuties. After Friedman saw a performance of Paris's Grand Guignol (a theatre which presented gruesome simulations of dismemberment and disembowelling), he decided that, since people were bored with nude bodies, the only way forward was to start exposing internal organs. He and Lewis made the infamous Blood Feast. A leg came off, a brain was removed and a woman's tongue was ripped out of her mouth, all in blood-drenched close-ups. When the film hit drive-ins audiences went wild. People screamed, fainted and threw up, and then came back for more. In Baltimore a young John Waters peered over the back fence of his local drive-in and saw something that would help to inspire him to become a filmmaker. Friedman and Lewis made two more gore pictures together - Two Thousand Maniacs and Color Me Blood Red - as well as more nudies before going their separate ways. (They would team up again in 2002 to make a sequel to Blood Feast.) One of the last of those original collaborations was a film called Scum of the Earth (1963), which pointed the way to the next stage in Friedman's career. This was one of the first of what were known as "roughies". The roughies were generally shot in black and white and had very melodramatic stories filled with violence, including sexual violence, and general depravity. They usually contained nudity, but often less of it than the cuties, but added sex scenes to the mix. Of course the sex scenes were not very explicit at all, but the overall atmosphere was of something dark and kinky and forbidden.

Friedman was not an auteur. While he sometimes did some directing, he was almost never the credited director on any of his features. He did, however, write or co-write most of the scripts. While he may have produced films by many different directors, you can see Friedman's creative stamp on every film. Friedman's best roughie was called The Defilers (1965). He borrowed the basic plot idea from William Wyler's The Collector (based on the novel by John Fowles) which had just come out. But in Friedman's movie there was more than one collector. It told of a pair of sadistic delinquents who kidnap a girl and subject her to sexual torment. The director was Lee Frost, who would go on to make many notoriously sadistic exploitation pictures. Friedman made a couple more roughies with other directors, but it was a film he made in 1966 which became the blueprint for the type of picture which would be  his specialty for the rest of his career.

The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill was a colourful tongue-in-cheek period sex romp directed by Pete Perry. This was the first of a series of sexy spoofs which would take on various established Hollywood genres, including western (Brand of Shame (1968)), science fiction (Space-Thing (1968)), Valley of the Dolls-style showbiz melodrama (Starlet! (1969)), jungle adventure (Trader Hornee (1970)) and the swashbuckler (The Erotic Adventures of Zorro (1972)). He referred to these pictures as "crotch operas" or "crotch hoppers". He found the desperation of the patrons of adult cinemas to see naked flesh kind of ridiculous so he expressed that in the parodic nature of many of his films. Even when he made some softcore films which played it straight, one feels that, for him, it was all one big lark. Irony was never lost on him, such as that of being a Jewish man playing a sadistic Nazi officer in his friend Bob Cresse's Love Camp 7 (1969). And he would also produce the most notorious of all Nazi-sploitation pictures Ilsa, She-Wolf of the S.S. (1975), which was shot by director Don Edmonds on sets left over from Hogan's Heroes.

Of all his films, Friedman's personal favourite was She-Freak (1967) a low rent remake of Tod Browning's Freaks (1932). He loved it best because it was filmed at a carnival. Friedman was a carny first and foremost and his films were just like a carnival ride. The sex romps were never quite as exciting as you hoped they would be. They left you feeling dissatisfied. But there was only one answer for that. To step aboard the next one.

Films like Blood Feast and Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS get a lot of attention on horror fan sites, so I've decided to pay my tribute to the great man by watching his sex comedy films and reviewing them here, beginning with The Adventures of Lucky Pierre and finishing with his first hardcore film 7 into Snowy (1978).

Friedman's autobiography A Youth in Babylon is one of the best books ever written on the exploitation movie business. Unfortunately his promised sequel Kings of Bablylon never made it into print.

Buy Friedman's movies from Something Weird Video :

February 22 - Lady Porn Day

Here is an explanation of Lady Porn Day from the Rabbit Write website. Go there for more info and to check out the Jilling Off Hall of Fame list of porn sites for women :

February 22nd is officially Lady Porn Day, a day about exploring porn and masturbation. Because It’s tough trying to explore porn as a girl. There just isn’t much lady-friendly stag.

Girls aren’t encouraged to talk to each other about porn– the same way we aren’t encouraged to talk to each other about masturbation. In girl-world, too often we expect our first orgasm to come from a partner. Then we expect our Sex-and-The-City approved hitachi-orgasms to come from, well, our closed eyes. But porn is just another tool for your sexual growth. And according to statistics more women are watching porn than ever, growing stronger in our silence apparently.

Rabbit Write is curating Lady Porn Day as a blogosphere wide project. I’ll be writing about lady porn the entire week of the 21st-26th. So join in (at any point) to share your porn stories, insights or favorite porn links.

At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation. It is an opportunity for ladies of all genders (or however you identify) to open up a dialog: What is feminist porn? What is your history with porn? What do you find hot?

And ultimately it’s a dare to share your hot links. Because the more we can openly talk about porn and what we like, the more likely it is that porn for women will continue being made. And really guys have been sharing and recommending porn for ages! So help a sister out.

I dare you to start the conversation, ask your friends: “hey what do you think about porn–and what sites can you recommend?” The point is to get women across the globe talking and thinking about porn and masturbation in a healthy and fruitful way.

Have You Ever Tried to Beat Off an Intruder?

DVD Review : Vintage Erotica Anno 1940

This collection of erotic films from France contains 15 shorts which range from a softcore nudist film to hardcore antics involving bondage, spanking, strap-ons and cumshots. The films come from a range of different formats from 8 mm to 35 mm and have not always been well-preserved, so picture quality can be as rough as the treatment handed out to some of the girl's bottoms. But there is always a special thrill in seeing what might have turned on our grandparents - well, that is, if our grandparents were French deviants. And while there is much that is basic porn material (and some of the overweight moustachioed gents wearing nothing but socks look like villains from 1930s cartoons), there is also some playful charm and imagination on display. This is the second of these compilations I've seen. The 1930s compilation is equally fine. Cult Epics have done a great job of presenting these rare archival materials accompanied by an impressive photo gallery.

After documenting the bedroom antics of some very enthusiastic lesbians, things mellow out somewhat with a film about two pretty nudists who love to throw a beach ball and dance with each other. Then it is time for some body painting as one cutie turns another into a snake and proceeds to tame her with some flute playing. Of course we don't hear the flute. As was generally the case with stag films at the time these shorts are silent and presented with an added musical soundtrack.

And there is no translation of the French titles, title cards or text in letters and books which was supposed to explain aspects of the action in some of the films. So some of the finer points may be lost. This is particularly the case in what is probably the highlight of the collection - Esprit de Famille (Family Spirit), starring Julot La Terreur, Anna Macaroni and Pauline Pan-Pan, and directed by Cecil B. De Mézig. Their real names? Who knows.) It begins with a brunette reading a letter addressed to "Ma Grande Soeur" - "my big sister". That's about as far as I can go in translating. But this does suggest that the blonde who turns up at the brunette's place is her younger sister. She is just hanging up her things in the closet when her sister comes up the stairs with a shady looking gent. Blondie hides behind the closet curtain. Her sister would appear to be a prostitute, and, considering that the money is going from her to the gentleman and not the other way around, one would assume that he is her pimp. It doesn't take him long to lift her skirt to reveal she is wearing no panties. He then starts attacking her nether regions with his fingers with all the delicacy of the guards in a Turkish jail carrying out a routine drug check. Young sis in the cupboard looks shocked as fatso loses his shirt and starts getting all vaginaterian. It isn't long, however, before our voyeuristic heroine's skirt is sliding up and the curtain starts jerking in and out suspiciously. A noise alerts big sister to the fact that they are not alone. She pulls back the curtain and discovers her younger sibling rubbing one out. This leads to a vicious sisterly spanking followed by a belt thrashing from the gent, who gets kind of distracted by his victim's pretty butthole. He probes it with his finger, but that isn't enough and soon he's buggering her with a vengeance. He didn't ask her permission, but judging by the way she is grinning and running her hands up and down his thighs, she's not displeased with this turn of events. But when he pulls out and sprays her cheeks with his own unique brand of moisturiser, the older sister gets jealous and starts fighting with her guy. What alternative do he and his new love have than to tie her hands together and string her up from the ceiling while beefy boy metes out the discipline with his belt. Our bound babe looks on and gnashes her teeth as Blondie eats her man's meat and thumbs her nose at her sister. They do it every which way and, at one point, our hero (or villian, I'm not sure which) applies some of his very own brand of shampoo to Blondie's nether hairy bits. When he has finally given all he's got Blondie looks dejected as she pulls discontentedly on the foreskin of his floppy willy. At first she is about to take to her sister with a riding crop, but then her heart softens and she decides to free her so that they can engage in more affectionate sisterly feelings. First they feel each others boobs, then older sister brings out her strap-on and lets Blondie try it on for size. And finally the pair prove that, when it comes to a cunnilingus competition, they can lick each other.

Equally wild is Petit Conte de Noël (Little Christmas Tale), in which Santa Claus (a man in a scary plastic Santa mask who looks like he stepped right out of a Seventies slasher film) catches a naughty girl masturbating when he comes down her chimney. He's tempted to take advantage of the situation, waving his hand over his crotch to make an instant magical boner appear. But the Christmas fairy appears and tells him off. He decides that the best present for the yuletide wanker is a mechanical fucking machine, kind of the 1940s version of the Sybian. It's basically a vaulting horse with a piston-mounted dildo at the back end and a lever at the front to make it move forward and back. At first she is too high, but eventually he gets her positioned just right and the dildo starts doing its thing. Watching this thaws out the frigid Christmas fairy and soon she and Santa are banging like the Easter Bunny.

Next we have a little flick called La Clinique en Folie (A Clinic Gone Mad), and they're not kidding. This is that venerable staple - nurse porn. But here the nurses are not wearing the little mini-dress uniforms of the seventies nurse porn movies. This looks more like a porno version of A Farewell to Arms. Fairly quickly, though, it's a farewell to clothes. These nurses are really enthusiastic about caring for there one patient, a lucky nude man who receives some vigorous massage to his obviously painfully swollen penis. Eventually they resort to trying to suck the germs out and wrapping the afflicted organ in a pussy lip poultice. What is shocking however is their neglect of duty when their patient's penis finally flatlines and they just abandon him in favour of some recreational activity involving a strap-on.

You also get a door-to-door panty saleslady and a woman whose search for a pesky flea upon her person forces her to strip and masturbate while a gentlemen in a trench coat watches through the keyhole and leaves a telltale puddle on the floor.

Nobody does filth like the French!

Book Review : Making Me Do Things by Sommer Marsden

Sommer Marsden describes herself as a "smut writer" and judging from this little story that seems fair. It's a deliciously dirty tale of dominance and voyeurism, and one which is infused with an infectious sense of fun.  Emma is never as excited as when her boyfriend Nick orders her to expose her sweet pussy to strange men. A trip to the fair becomes a tantalising erotic treat as Nick makes Emma do things at the toss-a-ball stand and on the ghost train ride, but full satisfaction is withheld until she almost can't take it anymore. The climax of the story was nerve-wracking for me as, like Emma, I'm afraid of heights. Erica Jong talked about fear of flying, but if there was ever a way to overcome a fear of riding the Ferris wheel it's what Nick does for Emma in this story. It may be very short for an ebook, but it's sweeter than fairy floss and not as bad for your teeth.

Buy it from Smashwords

Visit her blog unapologetic fiction

The Bounty of Boobs - Part 1

Introduction

The word "boob" has three meanings in English - 1. the mammary gland 2. a mistake 3. a stupid person. This is strange as boobs (taking the first definition), are the direct opposite of a mistake or something stupid. They are perfectly formed to feed the next generation and they are also perfectly formed to inspire the act that leads to that next generation. If there were anything which could perfectly symbolise everything that is comforting and pleasurable in life it would be the boob.

So here is my first instalment in what may be an endless series of tributes to the wonder of boobs.

Vanessa's Island

Here is a short extract from my novel Vanessa's Island, which I'm hoping to publish shortly as an ebook :

"If you can catch me, you can strip me," she explained. "And when you've stripped me, I'll give you that boob-job I promised you the other day." With that she ran out the door and down to the beach. I wasn't far behind.

There is something about a little competition that adds spice to sex. Everyone knows where that game of Strip Poker is going to end up, but the process is exciting in itself. After all anticipation is most of the fun in any pleasurable activity, and sex is no different.

I knew that eventually Vanessa's soft white breasts would be stroking my hard cock, but would it happen within the first ten minutes or would it take until sundown.

In the end it was nearly sundown, when Vanessa took pity on me and ended our game of chasy by accidentally on purpose tripping herself up and falling lengthways in the sand.

"What are you doing?" she cried, as I rolled her over and unbuttoned her jeans.

"I'm taking your clothes off," I explained. "I want to see your boobs, your bottom and your hairy, pink-lipped pussy."

"But you can't do that," she protested. "I mean I like you and everything, but no man has ever seen me naked."

"I'm pulling down the zip of your jeans, my fingers are only millimetres from your hairy pussy," I said, drawing out the drama. "Soon I will see it all."

"Oh, David, this is so embarrassing," Vanessa whimpered as I dragged her jeans down her long legs.

"Nice panties," I said, leeringly.

"Thank you," she said, pathetically, "but please let me keep them on." She held them up tight on either side appearing not to notice that this allowed pubes to poke out on either side of the tightly stretched and steadily dampening gusset.

While her hands were holding up the edges I lay the side of my face on her tummy and lifted the front of her panties so that I could see the forest of red pubes inside.

"David, stop looking down my panties," she protested clapping her hands over them.

In a flash I grabbed them by the edges and yanked them down her legs and off over her feet. Her hands were still covering her pussy and her legs clamped together tightly.

"Are you sure you don't want to show David your pussy?" I asked. "I don't think you're as innocent as you pretend. I don't think your hands are between your legs to stop me from seeing your pussy. I think naughty Nessa is playing with herself again. Let me count your fingers. Thumb, two, three, four, five. One hand. Lift it off. Second hand. Thumb, two, three, four. Where is Nessa's other finger."

"In her pussy, diddling with her clit," she confessed spreading her legs wide apart. "Mind if I finish myself off while we catch our breath."

"You know I can never get enough of watching you play with yourself," I said. "It's almost as much fun for me as it is for you."

"It couldn't possibly be," Vanessa moaned, rolling her eyes to comic effect. "I'm just thinking about the lovely slow boob job I'm about to give you. I love giving boob jobs, especially if I get to give a little lick on the up stroke." She licked her upper lip suggestively.

"Lick what?" I asked with mock innocence.

"The tip of your stiff cock, you wanker," she spat out, her face twisted in orgasm.

"Wow, that was good," she sighed pulling her t-shirt over her head. "So, David, is your dick ready to go to Heaven."

"You bet," I replied enthusiastically.

"All right," she said, placing her hand in the middle of my chest and pushing me gently down onto the sand. "Just lay back and relax and enjoy."

She cupped one of her magnificent breasts in each hand and pushed them together while giving me a warm-hearted cheeky smile.

"Look good?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," I sighed.

Slowly she released her breasts and let them swing free as she lowered them onto my crotch. I felt the soft warmth engulf my stiff dick. Then she gathered them in her hands again and pushed them together around me. Her skin felt incredibly soft as it caressed my sensitive hardness. Slowly she began to move up and down. When my cock reached the level of her chin, she stuck out her tongue cheekily and licked the end of it.

Then she began to sing softly:

"Rock-a-bye David between Nessa's boobs,

Her boobs are so soft, your dick is so hard,

If she licks you again, your dick it will spurt,

Covering Nessie, boobies and all"

This little nursery rhyme proved prophetic enough. No sooner had her tongue touched the end of my cock once more that I coated it prolifically with spurt after spurt of my hot cum.

"Am I good or what?" she asked, after wiping the excess jism off of her lips with the back of her hand.

"Wow," I sighed.

Booby Star No. 1 - Jennifer Tilly

This is my first in a series of profiles on sexy women with notable boobs. I'll include stars of the movies - mainstream, exploitation and porn - as well as website girls, and maybe some celebrities in other fields of endeavour. While boobs of all sizes are sexy, as long as they are natural (boobs that don't change shape when a woman removes her bra or have scars on them reminiscent of a Frankenstein movie are kind of scary), the natural tendency when writing about women's boobs is to concentrate on the larger ones. Nobody writes books about the world's shortest, easiest to climb, mountains do they?

Jennifer Tilly was born Jennifer E. Chan on 16 September 1958 in Harbor City, California. She is known for her voluptuous figure, her squeaky voice and her talent as both a serious and comic actor.

Films to check out :

Bound (1996)

A crime thriller by the Wachowski brothers who would become famous with their next movie The Matrix (1999). In this film she has some very hot lesbian scenes with Gina Gershon.

Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2000)

In this under-appreciated drama about strippers, directed and co-written by Michael Radford (Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984)), Jennifer (along with co-stars Daryl Hannah and Sandra Oh) performs several striptease routines, though the highlight of the movie is her heated response to an expectant mother who tells her off for smoking in the waiting room when she is waiting to see the doctor about getting an abortion :

You think you're the only person with reproductive organs. I'm gonna have this fucking baby. I'm gonna have this baby and my baby is gonna sell drugs to your baby on the playground. Do you know that? You fucking bitch. 

Seed of Chucky (2004)

In 1998 Jennifer played the killer doll Tiffany, Chucky's girlfriend, in Bride of Chucky (1998). She returned to that roll in the sequel Seed of Chucky, but this time she was also playing herself in a self-referential horror comedy reminiscent of Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994). With John Waters cameoing as a paparazzo, a title sequence involving an animated cum shot and Jennifer showing great good humour by allowing herself to be the butt (and what a cute butt it is!) of many fat jokes, this movie is  loads of fun.

Boob Book No. 1

Devon Cream by Aishling Morgan

Aishling Morgan is a very prolific author of playfully perverse erotic novels. Devon Cream is the tale of Octavia Challacombe and her corruption by the wicked Maray family. The action centres around the recruiting of busty maidens to offer up their udders in a human milk dairy. It was the first of a trilogy - the other two titles being Peaches and Cream and Cream Tease.

Prices for the original paperback of this book at Amazon dealers range from $52.49 to $688.88 (for a water-damaged copy!!!!!). I wish I'd kept mine. But the good news is that it is available in Kindle form for a more reasonable $7.30.

More info on Aishling Morgan's many novels.

Boneriffic Burlesque Babes - No. 1 - Poppy Cherry

Poppy Cherry is a Melbourne burlesque dancer who also has a pasty-making business. And she's a movie star having played a character described as "a ‘chuckie doll’ played by a hot brunette with a corset and over-the-knee socks" in the more interesting and entertaining looking movie called Burlesque to come out in 2010. (Forget about that thing with Cher and Christina Aguillera. It looks like shit.)

Poppy's website

Have a Vibrant Valentine's Day

With Valentine's Day only a day away, here are some relevant e-cards :

Nothing Like a Little Pussy

Just to show why I generally stick to writing, here is my one venture into the world of filmmaking. A tribute to Andy Warhol's Sleep (1963) and that perennially popular genre - the YouTube cat video :

A YouTube Video Soundtrack to "Pink Flamingos"

Nobody makes fun of the ridiculous obsessive side of sex like John Waters. Whether using rosary beads as a sex aid (Multiple Maniacs), sucking each others toes in gender inappropriate underwear (Pink Flamingos), rubbing themselves with a fish as an erotic act (Female Trouble), sticking their breasts through glory holes in a toilet wall (Desperate Living), fetishistically stomping on women's feet (Polyester), masturbating to a Chesty Morgan movie (Serial Mom), letting a gerbil go up their butt (Cecil B. Demented) or picking up a water bottle with their "cooter" (A Dirty Shame), the characters in John Waters movies engage in some of the most hilariously ridiculous sex acts committed to celluloid. His films are not erotic, but they end up coming off as celebrations of sexuality all the same. And they are very, very funny.

Waters is also a music fan. He collects obscure R & B and novelty songs and often uses them in his movies. He has also put out two compilation albums - A John Waters Christmas and A Date With John Waters.

A lot of the songs from John Waters movies have video clips, mostly fan made, on YouTube, so just for the fun of it I thought I'd put up video soundtracks to some of his movies, beginning with his most notorious Pink Flamingos (1972), which made a household name of Divine. It tells the story of Divine (a murderer living under the alias of Babs Johnson in a trailer park outside Baltimore). She lives with her "travelling companion" Cotton (Mary Vivien Pearce), her senile egg-obsessed mother Edie (Edith Massey) and her sexually perverse son Crackers (Danny Mills). Divine has been labelled "the filthiest person alive". But a local couple - Connie (Mink Stole) and Raymond (David Lochary) Marble - who kidnap hippy girls, have their butler rape them and then sell the babies produced to lesbian couples, reinvesting the money in sex shops and elementary school heroin rings - decide that they are filthier than Divine and challenge her to a filth-off by mailing her a year old turd.

Pink Flamingos is perhaps the world's most notorious gross out movie. Many people can't watch it. But for me its gleefully transgressive nature makes it a real feel good movie.

The Swag by Link Wray and the Wraymen

This infectious rockabilly instrumental plays over the opening titles as we see Divine's trailer for the first time with the titular birds stand in front of it.

Intoxica by The Centurions (as covered by The Vulcanos)

A surf instrumental which accompanies Divine driving into Baltimore, nearly running down a jogger and making fun of a hitchhiking soldier.

Jim Dandy by Laverne Baker

An instrumental break from this classic R & B song plays as Divine arrives in Baltimore for her shopping trip.

I'm Not a Juvenile Delinquent by Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers

Video no longer available

This song plays as Divine is shopping for meat and getting checked out by a pervert with a packet of hotdogs.

The Girl Can't Help It by Little Richard

This classic rock 'n' roll song by Little Richard, which was the title song of one of Water's favourite movies, accompanies Divine parading down a street in central Baltimore to the obvious astonishment of local residents who didn't know a movie was being made. Waters' new book Role Models contains an interview he did with Little Richard.

Ooh! Look-A There, Ain't She Pretty by Bill Haley & The Comets

This song accompanies Raymond Marble exposing himself to women in the park with a sausage tied to his penis.

Chicken Grabber by the Nitehawks

As Raymond's victims run away we hear this strange song.

Sixteen Candles by the Crests

Video no longer available.

In the original version of Pink Flamingos, this doo-wop song accompanied the mailing of the turd. For legal reasons it could not be used in the 25 Anniversary re-release, so it was replaced with...

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby by The Tune Weavers

Video no longer available.

Pink Champagne by the Tyrones

The wild birthday party scene is scored with this infectious tune.

Surfin' Bird by The Trashmen

During the party a man strips naked and flexes his asshole to the tune of this novelty classic.

Riot in Cellblock #9 by The Robins (as sung by Richard Berry)

The instrumental break from the original recording of this song, by the Robins (who would go on to become The Coasters), accompanies the police raid on Divine's birthday party.

How Much is That Doggie in the Window? by Patti Page

This cute classic provides counterpoint to the notorious scene in which Divine indulges in some impromptu dog do dining.

The Hills Have Thighs (2009)

Here is a trailer for a film which looks like it has a great bad taste sense of humour not a million miles away from that found in Waters movies. I can't wait to check it out :

Chicks with Dicks or Chicks with Pecs?

The modern male pursues his pleasures on a sometimes confused sexual playing field where he can never be sure if his balls are going to go out of bounds and on which he may sometimes be unclear which team he is playing for.

I noticed recently that a friend was taking an interest in transexual porn. Of course I'd checked it out too from time to time out of curiosity. A large part of porn is women being showered with cum by guys with freakishly large organs. When this essential porn experience can be achieved when there is only one person in the room one we have an act which can be appreciated for its aesthetic efficiency and admirable simplicity. And there is no doubt a special bond that can be felt between the masturbating porn watcher and the star attraction when both have a cock in their hand.

But isn't lusting after well-hung porn stars kind of gay? This is not to say that that is a bad thing. But one wants to know where one stands.

One thing about transexuals is that they generally look very feminine. I remember seeing a documentary on the Wiemar Republic period in Germany when a lot of decadent sexual activities were going on and a conversation was related in which a heterosexual told a homosexual that he might consider having sex with a male as long as it was a pretty young boy. The friend said, "Pshawww, you might as well fuck a woman!"  What is between the legs is not as important as the femininity or masculinity of the overall package.

Now I'm not saying I would want to go to bed with a transexual. A limitation to two points of sexual ingress plus the ego battering effects of realising that she was more well-endowed than myself would be too off-putting. But I would be even less likely to want to go to bed with a female bodybuilder. One might as well fuck a man.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not claiming to be 100% heterosexual. Even I can't watch one of those old Andy Warhol movies without wanting to squeeze Joe Dallesandro's muscles. But when it comes to women, I prefer the Marilyn Monroe-type to the Arnold Schwarzenegger-in-a-wig type. There is a simple mathematical formula when it comes to sex - soft woman = hard penis - hard woman = soft penis.

More recently I've caught my friend checking out female bodybuilder porn sites. Hmmmm.

But getting away from the whole issue of sexual attraction, I do love movies about gay men, lesbians, transvestites and transexuals. I think it is something to do with being able to identify with the struggle for self-acceptance and acceptance by the world at large, and stories of non-conformists of any kind triumphing over adversity always leave me on a high. So I'm looking forward to checking out this new trannysploitation movie Ticked Off Trannies With Knives. It sounds like a Pedro Almodovar movie, but it's not.

Tura Satana RIP

The great Tura Satana died on 4 February. She was the star of Russ Meyer's masterpiece Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! as well as hilariously dreadful camp classics such as Ted V. Mikel's The Astro Zombies and The Doll Squad. When Meyer discovered her she was working as a stripper and also a pin up girl in magazines. After her film career died down she became a nurse.

Tura was the only performer to ever force Russ Meyer to make an exception to his "no sex for the actors until the movie is in the can" rule. She insisted that going without sex was not an option for her and took full advantage of one of the members of the crew during the shoot.

For 75 years she lived life on her own terms. She will be missed.

Here is a rare photo layout from the first issue of Sizzle magazine in 1959, several years before she would star in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

If Alfred Hitchcock Made Porn Films

How might some of Alfred Hitchcock's classic films turned out if he aimed them at the dirty raincoat brigade?

PSYCHO

Psycho is best remembered for its golden shower scene.

Frustrated office worker Marlon Crane is entrusted by his boss with delivering $40,000 to a client. Instead he takes the money and heads out on the highway. As night falls he pulls into a quiet motel that lies in the shadow of a creepy dark house. The clerk is a mousy socially awkward girl named Norma Bates. She shows Marlon her collection of stuffed birds and then leads him to his room.

Marlon is just washing off the sweat of his crime when the shower curtain is pulled back and there stands Norma with a huge butcher knife in her hand.

Marlon is so terrified that he loses control of his bladder and pisses all over Norma. Being a closet kink freak, this turns her on. She drops the knife, grabs Marlon's cock and drags him up to the dark old house for a fuck fest. Marlon thinks that all his Christmases have come at once, but he is a little troubled by Norma's insistence that he call her "Daddy"...

REAR WINDOW

Famous porn photographer L B "Jeff" Jeffries has a broken leg, the result of slipping in a pool of jism while at work. Now all he can do is sit in his apartment and look out the window. Through the windows of the apartments opposite he sees the residents engaging in various kinds of sex acts. He spends his time watching and jerking off. Every so often his heiress girlfriend Lisa Fremont pops by and catches him stroking his cock. She calls him a pervert, but it doesn't stop her from giving him a blow job.

One evening he sees the vastly overweight Lars Thorwald tie his wife to the bed. Just as the fat man is dropping his trousers, the excitement of what he's about to do takes its toll on the clogged arteries of his heart and he drops dead.

Jeffries phones Lisa and tells her what he has seen. She comes over and they decide she really needs to break into Thorwald's apartment and rescue his wife. Jeffries watches nervously as Lisa enters the apartment opposite and removes Mrs. Thorwald's ball gag. But it turns out that rescue is not what is top on Mrs. Thorwald's mind. Jeffries once more takes his cock in hand as he watches his girl friend strip naked and bury her face between Mrs. Thorwald's legs...

STRANGERS ON A TRAIN

Tennis champ Guy Haines is travelling by train one day when he happens to look over the shoulder of handsome young Bruno Anthony who is looking at a slim young starlet in his newspaper.

"I wish my wife looked like that," he says.

"Nah, she's too skinny," replies Anthony. "I like 'em chubby."

"You'd like my wife," Guy tells him. "She's really running to the fat these days. Disgusting it is."

"Mine's gone the other way," complains Anthony. "Always on a diet. Like fucking a skeleton."

"The grass is always greener on the other side, I suppose," Guy philosophises.

"Know what we should do?" says Anthony with a chuckle. "We should swap."

"Do you think they would go along with that?" queries Guy.

"They'll never know," explains Anthony, "that's the beauty of it. You seduced my wife and I'll seduce yours, and they'll never know we planned it."

"Because we're strangers?" says Guy, the light dawning on him.

"Yeah," says Anthony. "...on a train..."

ROPE

Brandon Shaw and Phillip Morgan are two arrogant cookery students. They have such a high opinion of their culinary skills that they decide to undertake a daring, some might say foolhardy, experiment. They invite all of their ex-girlfriends to a dinner party for which they have prepared the food, but, unbeknownst to their guests, they have jacked off in all of the dishes to be served.

The youths can't resist also inviting their cookery teacher Roberta Caddell to the party. With her sensitive taste buds she could be the pair's undoing. Roberta is a part-time dominatrix who knows just how to punish those who would dare to play a dirty trick on her.

THE THIRTY NINE STEPS

Richard Hannay decides to give his wife a surprise on Valentine's Day. Normally he works late at the office on a Friday, but on this evening he comes home early. Hannay lives in an apartment block in London where all the rooms lead off of identical looking corridors. Being a little bit tipsy after a few beers on the way home, he mistakes the number 88 for 89 and enters the wrong apartment. Nobody locks their doors when they are at home. Hannay undresses and climbs into bed next to someone he assumes to be his wife. It is only as he begins to fondle her naked body that he realises his mistake.

"You're not Bertie!" cries the blonde beauty, clutching the bedclothes over her heaving bosom.

"And you're not Agatha," he informs her.

Just at that moment Bertie comes through the door.

"How dare you try to rape my wife!" cries the furious bowler-hatted business executive.

"He wasn't raping me," his wife tries to explain.

"So you wanted it did you, you filthy slut!" exclaims Bertie, opening the window and leaning out to yell, "Police! Police!" But he slips on a dildo that his wife has left lying on the floor and falls out the window, plummeting to his death on the street far below.

"Oh, dear," says the gorgeous blonde. "Now we're in the shit! By the way, my name's Pamela."

"Richard," our hero replies. "Glad to make your acquaintance."

When the police arrive they assume that Richard and/or Pamela have murdered Bertie by pushing him out of the window. They only have one pair of handcuffs, so they handcuff the pair together.

"Hey, look," shouts the resourceful Pamela, "that chappie in the apartment opposite just lit up a reefer!"

The police run off to catch the dope fiend, and Richard and Pamela, still stark naked and handcuffed together run downstairs, steal the police car and drive off.

"Where shall we go?" asks Pamela.

"Let's head for Scotland," suggests Hannay.

But little do they know that Bertie was the head of a criminal organisation called The Thirty Nine Steps that will pursue them even more ruthlessly than the police.

I, CONFESS

Father Michael William Logan is a young Catholic priest working in Quebec. He is good friends with Otto Kellar, the church caretaker.

Each day Father Michael hears the confessions of his flock. The confessional is a very private place, and everything that Father Michael hears there must be held in the strictest confidence.

One day, Father Michael takes a confession which is every priest's worst nightmare.

His friend Otto Keller enters the confessional.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned," he begins.

"What has been troubling your conscience, my son?" queries Father Michael.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this..." begins Otto hesitantly.

"You can tell me," Father Michael assures him. "We are all sinners in the eyes of the Lord, but he takes pity upon us."

"Are you sure it's O.K.?" Otto seems doubtful.

"Yes, I'm sure it's O.K. Just spit it out, there are others waiting," Father Michael tells him impatiently.

"Well," says Otto. And then follows that up with the four words that every priest fears more than any other. "I'm fucking your mom."